Hi I've been reading around here and am ready to seek out any advice I can get on what to do with my situation: My story runs along those lines we've heard before regarding FTM's: I couldn't stand, not for one second, the girly attire my mum would dress me in. It made me want to cry, crawl under the floor - embarrassed. After many a clothing war, at age 5, I rocked 90's type XL Backstreet Boys t-shirts and baggy jeans and baseball caps and the like. Not a big deal, I just liked that clothes, right? And growing up, I never felt like a girl. Always thought of myself as "third gender" or "alien". Puberty, thankfully, didn't hit me too hard. I have a small chest. I did get some butt and thigh, though. Which I both hate. I wish they were straight down. I obsessed over boys, loved everything about them and was deeply attracted to them. I'm 22 now, and when I was 17-18 ish I cut my hair, and started buying more androgynous pieces to sometimes straight up guys' clothes and questioning my sexuality. And questioning my hate for all things girly. I hated being a girl, hated boobs, periods, thigh fat and how I was unable to connect to my body sexually. I got a binder. I felt jealousy at men's ease at enjoying their sexuality. I was frustrated and unhappy. Very low self-esteem, which I then attributed to shyness and high school's after effects. But I learnt to accept my body and be happy with being alive. I'm trying to keep thin so I don't have too big a thigh, and dress unisex. I am an "empowered" woman. I know my body and how to please it. I do wish it were leaner. Will I always feel off in my body? Is this gender dysphoria? A friend of mine just came out as ftm and again I got a PANG 'the later you wait, the harder it is'. When I was 18-19, I thought of considering transition, but I thought of how iffy and expensive it all is, and with that figured my suffering now would be lesser than all the crazy surgery, body modifications, therapies (which I think I need right now) and costs! I felt like I was too old and missed the boat, too. Now I am 22 and still feel like it's too late and I missed the boat. And maybe I don't really feel like a guy inside, maybe I'm just "third gender" or "alien". They used genderqueer here. What really pushed me to post here however was that I got a flashback from my childhood while doing self-reflection. I remembered being about 6 or 7, in the shower or on the toilet, putting my left hand between my legs from the back and sticking out one finger, the longest one and looking down at myself or in the mirror and liking how I looked. This makes me feel a little panicky because I have been working so hard at making my peace with being a girl and being happy with my body. Thank you to anyone who replies, I really do appreciate it.
I don't think there's ever such thing as 'missing the boat' on these kinds of things. It's all about self-discovery, some people just realize who they are a lot sooner than others. And keep in mind too, you don't have to be strictly one gender nor the other. You're allowed to remain in the middle. If you feel comfortable being a woman some days and men others, that's you. And not everyone transitions. Some people are comfortable enough with just wearing a binder or just wearing guys clothes, it's different for every single person. Basically: -Don't feel pressured into anything cause you felt one way before or because you think it's what is expected. -There's no cut-off age. -Wear whatever you feel comfortable in. -Do whatever you feel is right for you.
I agree with the fact that you deffo have not 'missed the boat' and to be honest therapists ect that you have to go see before transitioning would take you more seriously because you are a little older yet still have like yours whole life ahead of you if you get what I mean. But yeah as for what you were saying when you said about when you were younger and stuff, I too did all of them things. But maybe a few extra things like telling people I was a boiy and attempoing to change my name when I was 6, and accidently on purpose using boys toilets. So what am saying is I guess what you've got is gender dysporia but that doesn't mean you are trans. You don't even have to choose one spefic gender but if you feel more comfortable as a boy then you can still come out and bind, live as a boy without having any medical transition. Am just saying before you rule it out/ define yourself as trans you maybe might want to think about how you would feel if everyone was calling you he. And a guy name. Coming out doesn't stop the suffering in my opinion it just adds to it cause nothing will change for a while but you also have to deal with everone elses question snd shit. Not trying to put you off.
I'm hoping it's not too late. But for myself I almost feel like now is the perfect time in my life to really think about this. Before I would have been limited by my parent's judgement and acceptance/lack thereof. But now I am independent and what others think of me isn't as important as it might have been as a teen. And I can make choices and explore behaviors at my own pace without questioning or criticism. Still pretty clueless myself, but good luck to you.
Its not too late, I'm 24 almost 25 just started transition this year wish i knew/started earlier - though i guess I've always known just never accepted it till recently and now i don't want to go back at all but what can you do but act on it now It will keep nagging at you, but its really up to you if you want to go through this process of ... crap ... depends on the environment you are in, but there will always be people who wont accept you ... and there will be people who love you and will accept you for who you are (for me everyone i have told has been accepting, though they are the ones i thought would accept me so ... yeah) body dysphoria is a big part, i didn't mind being a guy, socially, but physically hated myself and being a guy, i couldn't be my true self, the scale eventually tipped and I couldn't happily be a guy any more but if your still not sure, take your time and think it out, better to know for sure than guessing, starting it then deciding its not really you I'd definitely start with a therapist and maybe some LGBT support group to help you figure things out hope this helps, and if you want to talk more just write on my wall
Wow, thanks guys! I've been given a lot if insight on my issues, and lots of thinking to do. It's just I'm a late bloomer so I wonder if this "change" actually WILL happen, but just later in my life. I feel like that's what's gonna happen. It's an intense thought.
