Hello, This is my first post here, so please understand if my writing is not clear or muddled. I don't know what to do any-more. I feel so lonely and isolated. I've been diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety for 6 years. I'm currently taking anti-depressants. When I was in my 20's and early 30's, I lived the gay life in Sydney. I went to nightclubs, parties, social functions. I thought that I wanted to be with a man. I'm not sexually promiscuous and don't do one night stands any-more. I tried it a few times and felt terrible after the experience. I'd ask myself, "How could you share your body with another person and never see them again?" I feel emotionally sick, I feel like I have emotional cancer. I know my life is better that billions of people on this earth and I should feel grateful (I do sometimes and then feel really depressed again). I've been seeing psychiatrists and psychologists. I've been to counselling. I've attended Depression and coming out gay support groups. I've tried it all! But I still feel empty and lonely. I have friends and go out as much as possible. I have a full-time job, I eat healthy and exercise...but I feel like I'm going to end up as a miserable old man all by myself. I hate this feeling and thought, the depression makes me think it's so true. I've had enough with the battle in my mind...the voices. I've tried meditation (and still doing it). I walk, keep fit but the terrible thoughts and feelings just keep on coming back. I want children and I sometimes think how could I raise a child since I've got depression and anxiety. I've inherited the depression genetically from my family (both mum and dad side of the family). I'm lost, I hate myself, I hate the pretending all the time. I'm out to my mum and dad only but that's it. They keep on telling me that it's a phase and it will pass (it's the devils work). They say because I want children so much, I can't be totally gay. I'm somewhere in between and that I can hide it from the rest of the world. I'm lost, hopeless, and emotionally scared, scarred, but then I feel guilty because I do have my job, my physical health...I'm sick of the constant chatter battles in my head. I guess, I would really like to ask everyone, if I'm normal to be feeling this way for such a long time? What's wrong with me? What's right with me? Do I just accept myself and move on? But, will I be happy with my decision? Is time passing me by.... Thank you for reading. :icon_sad::icon_sad:
I'm only 21, so I don't have your years of experience. But I understand. Hopefully this isn't demeaning in any way coming from someone younger, I just want to help in any way if I can. I'm getting help for some level of anxiety and depression too. I'd say it's been affecting me for at least the last 8 years, more so since I started uni. I get really anxious thinking about not having a partner and I've put A LOT of effort into trying to meet someone and then when it hasn't worked out I start thinking I'll never meet someone and there isn't enough time. But I think meeting someone and deciding to have kids is something you can't really plan (unless you don't use contraception). It just happens. You can put a lot of effort into meeting people but it could still not work out, the right person just comes along. I think it's important to be happy with yourself first though, that's what I'm trying to do. I keep telling myself: -Keep it Simple -Focus on one thing at a time -Don't be Perfect, be 'Redell' (insert actual name) -Do what you think is right and -Everyone is different I think it's slowly working, it could work for you? But it depends on what thoughts you have to combat. Coming out helped me accept myself, and I've met a lot more people because of it. But it's entirely up to you. There's nothing wrong with you for feeling this way.
I know how you feel in terms of emotional cancer, I would say 90% of my life is either me in depression or suffering a mood swing. most of the time people don't know about it (I hold it in) but I can't hold it in forever, which usually results in people getting angry/annoyed with me
Hi Redell, thank you for your response. It feels good to know that other people understand where I'm coming from. Please don't apologise for being younger than me. I'm a very open person and always take time to listen to other people for support and advice. I like to take things in, analyse them and then adapt to me if they are compatible. I really appreciate your understanding & support. Thank you so much. ---------- Post added 27th Oct 2012 at 11:23 PM ---------- Thank you for your response NoName114. I really appreciate your understanding. It's comforting to know that there are other people who understand me. This emotional cancer is pulling me apart...how long will I be able to live with it? It's been years and it seems to be getting stronger (that's how I feel about it today). Let's hope that things get better for me, for you, for the entire world. I only wish peace, love and happiness to all living beings, including animals and humans and also plants. I'm grateful to earth for allowing me to be part of this miracle called life. I'll continue to hope and pray..:eusa_pray
Dear Louie, I just want to say you are not alone. You are doing so many good things for yourself. Healing is hard. There are things you wrote that give me cause to think that it is possible for you to find the peace you crave. There seem to be some unresolved differences between you and your parents. They do not appear to accept fully that you are gay. That must be hard. You are being honest and the people who brought you into this world do not believe you. I am sorry that after so much effort in helping yourself that you still feel emptiness. You just never know what lies around the corner.... If you have tried lots of talking therapies already, have you considered somatic healing? I have no experience but I have been doing some research. I am dealing with deep feelings of abandonment and rejection (my mother) and am looking into different types of therapy. There is breath-work, aka rebirthing. Maybe other people know about this? I'm not suggesting it, or recommending it, just sharing my limited knowledge of treatment that goes beyond talking and medication. Keep posting, Rose
May I ask if you have been on the same medicine/therapy for a long time? It is possible for a medicine that worked before, to begin losing its effectiveness or actually make things harder over time, and although one physician may insist it's the way to go, a second opinion from another doctor might get a different result. I'm still very new to the medicinal side of dealing with depression but there are a couple of people in my life with more experience who have talked about switching medication and how sometimes it has made a huge difference. This alone makes me hope you stick around and continue to be active in your community. I share your beliefs and I know they are sometimes terribly uncommon among busy, anthropocentric humans. But I think this reverence for life and the world are the key to humankind becoming a better creature for this planet and for itself. Even though you have so much hardship, I absolutely think you are valuable. And I am sure you are greatly valued by those around you. If not, you should be. In any case I am here to talk, even if I can't give very good advice. And sending good energy your way.
Dear Rose, thank you for your message. I have tried meditation, CBT and continue to apply them in my life EVERY DAY. The Depression just keeps on saying: "YOU WILL ALWAYS BE ALONE, YOU WON'T BE A FATHER, YOU WILL DIE LONELY" and it is so believable. I know they are just thoughts and not facts...but the older I get, the more I believe it...it's a terrible feeling and it has got me locked in this bubble of despair...and that's when I start thinking about how time is passing me by. Am I crazy to think like this? I just don't know anything any-more. What is me? What is the depression? What is going on. I'll keep writing to you. Thank you for your support.
Well - I came out to my wife of 15 years on Monday. I wish I had done it 15 years ago. I was trying to cure the evil gay - and ignore it - and drink it away - drug it away - etc. It was all just bullshit. I'm feeling pretty damn depressed at the moment too - so at lest console yourself with the fact that you are not alone in misery
Thank you Scott for your post. You are also going through a terrible experience. If I may ask you, do you have children? I want children so much and that's why I keep on questioning my sexual orientation. I was part of the gay scene for 10 years and it does not appeal to me. I don't want my life to revolve around feelings of having passionate gay sex and then waking up the next day and realising how life is always going to be bloody hard whilst living with a man/having a open gay relationship. I'm torn about all of this. I can't take it any-more. I just want to wake up one day and know and feel that I have made the right decision in my life and that I don't feel like TIME IS JUST PASSING ME BY...YES IT IS..and the depression keeps on consuming me, I resist a bit, think I feel better, then again, it hits hard. :tears: ---------- Post added 29th Oct 2012 at 05:14 PM ---------- Hi wandering, thank you for your message. I've been on medication for about 6 years. I was on 1 medication for 4 years and I'm now on another medication for the last 2 years. I really appreciate your kind words and understanding, it makes me cry so much, but a happy cry because I don't feel weird or different from the entire world. You are so nice wandering...this earth needs people like you who are so compassionate, friendly and caring. Thank you so much for being you.
Right back at you, I really hope you can figure out the core of this despair and fight back. Even two years may be too much time on this medicine. It sounds like you are doing a good job of positive behaviors so I urge you to consider talking to your doctor about changing things up, and asking about the possibility of raising a child with your condition. Don't give up on what's important to you.
Hi there, and welcome to EC. I think you've come to the right place. This seems to sum up your issue. You made a statement here as if it were fact (what I've put in bold). Says who?!? Who says that life is going to be hard living an open relationship with another man? I know everyone is different, and not all places are as accepting as here in Canada, but I would think that living in Australian you would be able to live quite comfortably with another man in an open and honest relationship. Why can't you? Have you tried? It didn't sound like you had. If you want to settle down with someone and have a family, I'd be willing to bet that there are other gay guys in Australia who are also looking to settle down and have a family. You're not that special that you're the only one! If you're still struggling with depression, then you're not on the right medication. And if you've still not been able to reconcile your orienation with your own feelings and learned how to deal with your parents, then I would suggest that you've not been seeing the right therapists. Get another opinion. And focus on the positives. You mention all kinds of things that you're doing right in your life. Make sure that you're thankful for them. And while there's the 'gay scene' there are probably other things available for you to do and still mingle with other gay men. There are likely social clubs, sports teams, card nights, bowling leagues - all for the gay community. Have you looked up anything like that? There's still lots you could be doing. Hang out here in EC. Seeing that there area lots of people who are approaching their orientation in a really positive way helps you to see that you can do that as well. It certainly helped me.
