Okay i need your guys honest opinion. 5 months in this relationship with a person i love like i have never loved before in my life i dont know if i should keep on trying or just let it go. I cant seem to figure out if it is abusive or she really has problems with her head and i should keep on trying to help her. Ill just go day per day of this week. Little pre-story: She feels like a guy, dresses like a guy, but doesn't want to have a sex change. She is very chivalrous, protective, strong, gorgeous, sensitive, artistic. I am a black lingerie, garter, dress, high heels and a trench coat covering it all kind of girl... Classy good old romantic fairy tale me and her have going on. She is the knight and i am his princess. (dont judge!) She is always thinking im sleeping with someone behind her back, but this time she promised me she will try and not be jealous. So.. we will just take this week for an example: Sunday night i came over to her place to bake a pie... Couple of drinks later she is asking me about my ex-fiance, whom i forgot a day after we broke up for the fact of me being a lesbian. She keeps on asking questions about sex which i am trying to dodge.. she gets mad, i reply honesty, that doesnt help. A second later she turns into a whirlwind pics up her laptop smashes it on the bar counter, throws it on the floor, smashes it against the wall.. not much left of it... screen is all cracked and dangling on a cord... picks it up like a weapon of destruction smashes the glass coffemaker with it, shards fly everywhere, broken wine glasses, dishes.... i grab my phone before she stomps it with the laptop and make a run for it to the bedroom... dog is scared hiding in the corner under the bar stool. A second later she grabs the knife and locks herself in the bathroom... i try to open the door she is screaming at me to leave her alone.. Fine, i put on my coat and say goodbye... She emerges from the bathroom asking me not to leave, i take a cooler out of the fridge, grab the dog and lock myself in the bathroom telling her to clean up the broken glass. Thank god pie in the oven survived. 30 minutes later i leave the bathroom, everything is cleaned up, she makes it clear for me she would never hurt me but if she wants she can smash anything in her house. I agree. Destruction can be beautiful, but I am still scared. She pulls me in the bedroom. An hour later i try to leave, its already 2 and i have to be at work at 9, but i, myself, pull her back into the bedroom. Rinse and repeat until 4 am. She is not showing any signs of jealousy, not accusing me of sleeping with men behind her back. Monday in the evening we make dinner, she avoids her usual draining dull and annoying questions about where have i been right after work, even though answer is always the same: workout, taking care of pets and housekeeping, since we don't leave together. We have great time together and this time she understands that i have to go home at 12 not 2 to go to bed and doesn't accuse me of sleeping with men behind her back. Tuesday morning she buys me a coffee and walks me to work. We go for a dinner, she willingly lets me go home to study, for the first time in 5 months without suspecting me sleeping with someone behind her back. I take care of my studies and go out to see her at 11, since i feel like I really need to be close to her. She tells me on the phone she is throwing up, i bring her the meds, try to make her feel better, take care of her. Wednesday night we together make a healthy pizza from scratch, have silly fights about layout of the mushrooms, laugh... it feels like a family. We watch an amazing movie, an adventure, laying in bed hugging each other with the dog next to us. We play with the dog, pick out names for the kids we always wanted to have. I am so happy, i am in love. Thursday. The hell restarts. I come over to her house to make dinner again. She opens the door and asks "Why are you wearing a short skirt at this hour? Did you already have sex with someone?". Mind me skirt is slightly over my knees and this is what i always wear. I walk in the room and BAM! - the first thing i see is the dog hiding under bar chair, looking frightened. "Did you hit her?" i ask. She says "Of course not" "Are you sure?" "No but she was misbehaving." I can see it in her eyes something is going on. She starts asking me where i have been, if i slept with someone, i finish making dinner, we start waking back to my house. She keeps on with her endless questions with that crazy look in her eyes. I can see she is not listening to me, im telling her i have to go home. She gets angrier, tells me she is not going to work. I say i really have to go home now, she hits me in a face. Not hard. I tell her its over. She is begging to forgive her, i slam the door behind me. There is a fun fact: i like abusive sex. Very abusive sex. I pictured myself being abused since i was 6. I had no trauma in my life, no abuse, no sexual assaults. But of course dom/sub has its borders, if i feel that im getting overly hurt and my partner is not paying attention to what i say chances are that person will be out of my life forever. She always listened, she also did it the best. I though have made it clear to her hitting me when she has anger outbursts, even lightly is not acceptable by me. It's only for sex. I go home, convinced its over. I look up abusive relationship facts, they all seem familiar and im even more convinced im done... but then she sends me a text: "I cant handle you loving me, i dont think i deserve anyone to love me, most of the time when people say that its just a stupid fairy tale. I am sorry i've caused you so much pain, you can do so much better. You are right my distrust will ruin everything." I texted her back telling her that i am blocking her number and to never speak to me again. Last five months have been very similar to events that happened this week, i should say less extreme though. Her behavior seems to go in cycles: she is normal for a few days and then abnormal: extreme jealousy, distrust and unwillingness to listen comes in, we get in a fight, rinse and repeat. Based on what she has done and that last text she send, do you think she is being abusive or does she have a mental condition that needs counselling. According to her, her distrust is based on previous experiences where women would leave her for men and break her heart a numerous amount of times. And i behave. I never let myself get defensive and raise my voice unless im getting humiliated or called names by her. I am very loving and caring and accommodating, but i do not tolerate abuse and humiliation. I leave and dont speak to her until i get an explanation, so we can work it out and apology. And no for me always means no. I will never say sorry unless i know i am guilty. This is why i cant really picture myself being caught in abusive relationship without realizing it. I know right now she is locked in her house, sleeping 24/7 or hurting herself and most probably not going to work. I went shopping, i needed to relax, but i am still feeling like shit and anytime i close my eyes i picture her holding me. I cant stop thinking about her. So is she abusive and i should leave or just bad life experience made her act like that and i should try to help her?
You partner is definitely abusive, whether she means to be or not. It doesn't matter from where or why those sorts of negative behaviors are stemming, because in the end, the fact is, she is abusive and the relationship the two of you have is utterly unacceptable and unhealthy. By staying in a relationship like this you're only hurting the both of you. She needs professional help. Without knowing her, I can't say whether she simply needs counseling and emotional management, or if something else is going on where a psychiatrist will be of necessity. But I can say, without a doubt, that she needs to be seeking out help from a licensed professional to get herself back on track. There is no justification for you staying in a relationship like this either. Even if you love someone, it's foolish to try and stay and save that person when they are hurting you. And from some of the things you've said, there seems to be potential for you to wind up physically hurt. I would hate to hear of that happening. No one thinks it will ever happen, until it does. And while I'm not saying it's a guarantee, you should be safe rather than sorry. But I do think there are some definite underlying issues causing her behavior to shift so radically and to come across so extreme. While I don't think you should be going over there everyday and laying yourself down to help her with the threat of her irrationality sparking...I don't suggest abandoning her either. She needs assistance. I believe it would be wise to talk to her about seeing someone. Let her know that you still love and care for her, but that this relationship isn't healthy. It's hurting the both of you. you want to see her in a better place and want to be in a better place yourself. Neither one of you, especially you who is willing to do so much, deserves this kind of abusive nonsense. When she gets her life together and becomes emotionally stable...then maybe the two of you can try to make things work, but right now...this will only lead to more pain and suffering for you both.
