Hi all, It has been a while since I have posted. I am coming to the painful conclusion that I may have to leave my life here in the Middle East if I am ever to find peace with myself. 40 is coming up quick ( 2 more years ) and I have not been able to make much progress with accepting who I am in this world. One of the hardest things for me is trust. There is this incredible constant pressure that is inside me that wants to come clean with my secrets, yet I do not feel like I have any safe place to share my thoughts. I cannot trust. I do not know how to trust. So I am stuck in this frustrated state. I know that I am ready to share; the weight of this secret has gotten too heavy to carry. I worry a lot about the damage that I have inflicted on myself and if I will ever get to place were I will feel strong enough to share and trust people again. Has anyone ever been in this place? I know everyone says "it gets better". I do not believe that anymore. Zizo
Hi, I can say I share this much with you--I can't name a single person I know in real life who I would trust with the truth of my life right now. I try not to dwell on the fact that every person who knows your secrets is a person with the power to blackmail or betray you, it's a very negative viewpoint. Trouble is that it's also very true. I don't think that comment was very helpful to you, I'm sorry. For what it's worth, if you want to write on my wall I'm happy to listen.
Thanks pink, sometimes it's just to know that I am on the only person in this world that is stuck in this place. Knowing what needs to be done to make things better, and having the courage to do it are two completely different things. Shame there isn't pill that I can take to give me the courage to trust. BTW, I read your posts and I am surprised. I thought Oregon was a liberal place and not a place where same sex couples holding hands would get such negative reaction. I am thinking about leaving the Middle East and go over to Seattle sometime next year ( hopefully ). I was counting in be a gay friendly city.
