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why do people assume if you were molested it turns you into a lesbian

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by tapsilog2012, Oct 27, 2012.

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  1. tapsilog2012

    tapsilog2012 Guest

    *trigger warning*

    Why do most people assume that if you were molested as a little girl then thats the reason why you are a lesbian?

    I was able to own up to the fact I am gay AT THE SAME TIME I was able to admit to myself that I had been molested (and it wasn't just a nightmare). So accepting that the molestation DID happen and accepting my sexual orientation seem to go hand in hand. But I dont feel like it TURNED me gay.

    What it feels like is, all the sex I had with men before was kind of my method of compulsively reliving the trauma. I didnt prefer it but it felt like an "obligation". As in, no would would pay attention to me unless I had sex with them.

    Does anyone understand this and can anyone relate?
     
    #1 tapsilog2012, Oct 27, 2012
  2. awesomeyodais

    awesomeyodais
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    Well I'm male and don't remember any abuse as a child so I certainly can't relate directly.

    However it seems a common thing for many people to have a need to find something/someone to blame when things go different than expected, for example when someone ends up with a medical issue (i.e. oh I never smoked while pregnant so my kids won't have disease abc unlike my friend who did). And I've often had the impression it's a reassuring thing towards unknown challenges, event A didn't happen to them so they won't have to ever deal with event B happening to them either.

    In this case some people just can't understand that some women are into other women, without any external factors causing it - and it's so foreign to their belief system/life experience that they would be totally lost if it happened to them, but they won't have to ever worry about "turning lesbian" themselves because they weren't abused/molested. Hope that makes at least half as much sense as it did in my head while I was typing it.
     
    #2 awesomeyodais, Oct 27, 2012
  3. tapsilog2012

    tapsilog2012 Guest

    It doesnt help me accept my sexuality to make this assumption too. Because then I think if I just get enough therapy to get over my abuse, I wont feel like my abuser is controlling me anymore and I can go back to "being straight".

    When I look at hot women I dont think, "oooh, shes not a guy and therefore I want to have sex with her".I just think "damn shes hot". Theres no side route in my mind through men to get to thinking about her.
     
    #3 tapsilog2012, Oct 27, 2012
  4. Revan

    Revan
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    It's because originally people thought being gay was a mental disorder brought on by some traumatic event. As a result, they seem to have decided that it had to do with something that happened at youth and so they connected it with child abuse and thought "yeah that's what happened" -_-.
     
    #4 Revan, Oct 27, 2012
  5. whitwhit82

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    I know what you mean. I was sexually abused as a child for over 8 years. It began when I was six and I told when I was 14. Even after that, the abuse continued on into adulthood. I have mentioned my attraction to women to my brother and my closest friend. They both automatically assumed it was related to my abuse. They think I'm so afriad of men, I'm drawn to women because they are safer. I don't agree with that at all. I truly believe I would be attracted to women even if my abuse had not happened. It's true, I don't trust men. However, I have a hard time trusting people in general. So I don't really see the correlation between the two. I have to say, I do feel safer with women and that may perhaps have something to do with my abuse. But I also know my abuse didn't "turn" me gay. I agree that people use that excuse to explain something they don't understand. In my situation, I think my family and friends (if they knew) would want so badly for me not to be gay, they would come up with anything they could to rationalize why I have "chosen to sin."
     
    #5 whitwhit82, Oct 27, 2012
  6. Rachyl

    Rachyl Guest

    I agree. I too was abused for years, and I am sure once I come out to more people they will say just that.

    But coming out to myself as gay changed my outlook on that *so called theory, and others a.k.a choosing to be gay*

    All it did was bury my sexual identity for 30 yrs, it didn't make me gay. Because of it I forgot myself, and lived a life that was controlled by those events.

    But now? I remember at the age of eight that I really REALLY liked boys.

    So as much as it will make others think that I KNOW, I have always been gay, and I can now move on to a wonderfully bright rainbow of a future, as myself (!)
     
    #6 Rachyl, Oct 27, 2012
  7. HatterMad

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    Well, I was molessted an it dident make me a lesbian.

    :icon_roll


    But honestly, i don't think that's what made me gay. I think I was before that even.
     
    #7 HatterMad, Oct 27, 2012
  8. Caudex

    Caudex Guest

    The problem is that a significantly higher percentage of gay men were molested as children than straight men.
    I'm not saying that correlation implies causation. Maybe pedophiles find feminine boys more attractive than their masculine counterparts. Maybe there's something about being gay that causes boys to be more likely to accept abuse from adults. But the numbers are significant enough to suggest that sexual abuse "turns" people gay. I believe the theory that homosexuality is partially genetically determined, but mostly by your childhood experiences. And, as bad as it sounds, it might have a kernel of truth.
     
    #8 Caudex, Oct 28, 2012
  9. Chip

    Chip
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    Here's why it's complicated and nuanced:

    There have been a lot of studies looking at both male and female abuse survivors, and while a lot of them were seriously flawed, from the best of them, we do know that among sexual abuse survivors, the incidence of gays and lesbians is higher than in the non-abused population. This is a correlation, though, and not a casuative factor. What we don't understand yet (and may not for some time) is why this higher correlation exists.

    We do know that abuse survivors typically confront their own sexual attractions earlier in life than their non-abused counterparts, and so those who are gay or lesbian may come to understand this in themselves and deal with it earlier, and come out earlier, as a result.

    We also know that sexual abuse can confuse sexual attraction (which is different from orientation.) In other words, if you're a girl, hurt by a guy, you may become afraid of men. This doesn't change your sexual orientation; if you're straight, it just means you probably won't date at all, not that you'll suddenly become a lesbian and date women. But if you're bisexual, it might mean that you lean more toward women than men.

    For men, the experiences and outcomes are a bit different, but the idea is the same.

    I think it's this sort of nuance and confusion that gets sort of reduced down by the religious crazies and the ex-gay proponents into a claim that abuse causes people to be LGBT.
     
    #9 Chip, Oct 28, 2012
  10. Chip

    Chip
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    From everything I've read, there's no data to support that idea, at least as far as sexual abuse goes. If anything in nurture affects it, there are some indications that very, very early parental bonding may have some effect, but not enough to be causative; perhaps enough to contribute to causing a genetic predisposition to express.

    It's a complex area, but none of the credible researchers in the field believe that sexual abuse has impact on sexual orientation; if it did, then about about 1/3 of the female population would be gay, and 1/6 of the male population would be gay, and we know that the numbers are substantially lower than that.
     
    #10 Chip, Oct 28, 2012
  11. tapsilog2012

    tapsilog2012 Guest

    @Chip I am being perfectly honest when I say that recalling the abuse helped me accept my sexual orientation.

    I thought I was bi leaning to straight for the longest time, but after recalling it I now feel much more close to lesbian (like Kinsey 5ish).

    It just feels like Im overall being more honest with myself though, could that be the reason? Like I stopped lying to myself that the sexual abuse never happened AND stopped lying to myself about my attractions at the same time.

    BTW the abuse happened when I was very young, about 3 or 4, so I didnt really know what was happening at the time.
     
    #11 tapsilog2012, Oct 28, 2012
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 28, 2012
  12. King

    King Guest

    So, since I played with Barbies, that's why I get boners when I watch gay porn?

    You're wrong and I have no problems telling you that flat out. Don't try and spread information you have no idea about.
     
    #12 King, Oct 28, 2012
  13. Pret Allez

    Pret Allez
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    Gonna second this. That's pretty wildly unsupported and just thrown out there, merely for the sake of being contrarian.
     
    #13 Pret Allez, Oct 28, 2012
  14. Caudex

    Caudex Guest

    #14 Caudex, Oct 28, 2012
  15. Adelaida

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    Hey Chip, do you have links for references to your info? I would love to read more about this subject.

    Sorry, taps I can't relate because I haven't been abused or molested, but I know several people who have. Those I know who have all identify as straight, and I don't, though.
     
    #15 Adelaida, Oct 28, 2012
  16. Chip

    Chip
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    Most of my references are for male survivors, and the literature shows different results/outcomes/experiences with male and female survivors. I think I can find some online links to studies about male survivors, but as far as female survivors, that data is stuff I read years ago in school and not something I have immediate links to.

    I'm sure if you do a Google search for studies, or have access to a psych journal database, you can find some. Just beware there are a bunch of crap studies with awful biases and terrible methodology promoted by the ex-gay people, as well as well done studies grossly mischaracterized by the same folks, so read anything you look at with a critical eye.
     
    #16 Chip, Oct 28, 2012
  17. Hmmmmm

    Hmmmmm
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    Both of my parents feel that anyone who is gay is gay due to being molested as a child. I was never molested as a child, yet, I'm a lesbian. I don't know why people think the two go hand in hand. Some gay people were molested just as some straight people were, but I don't think it has anything to do with a persons sexuality. (Most of the time, anyway.... it can lead to a confused sense of self and make the person become very sexual, regardless of gender.)
     
    #17 Hmmmmm, Oct 28, 2012
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