I have been struggling very badly this week. For some reason I feel like I am constantly on the verge of a panic attack and all I want to do is burst out into tears. I want to shout out all the frustration that is in me. When I am home alone all I want to do is trash my house. I want to destroy everything. I can't take this anymore. I know this will pass and I will swallow down inside of me. I just feel tired, and I want to be dead -- not gonna do it ( not suicidal ) -- venting. I can't take the loneliness and isolation.
Be cool. Honestly - I feel the same way right now - but I try to tell myself that life is too short ot be upset at yourself - or for self destructing. I came out to my wife of 15 years -last Monday. I have been talking to a guy that I really like - and it all just fell apart. I have no idea how screwed up my life is going to be soon - but I'm trying to maintain a positive outlook. At least I don't have the baggage of this straight shell on me anymore to keep me from being a real person. I feel like my previous life has been a lie - but I'm glad the lie is over. I am glad I'm no longer at odds with it. I'm glad I can just not care what other people think. This too shall pass. You will get through it. At least you are not in as much of a screwed up situation as me
Wow Scott, glad you made the step to come out to your wife. I can't image the strength that took. I'm sure things are tough right now, but seems like you are moving in the right direction. That is what is driving me mad, is that I have already come out to myself in three years ago, yet here I am still stuck in the same place. I am not in an environment where I feel safe to come out. To move forward I need to let go of everything here and start new somewhere else .... effectively running away. It like you said, I still have the straight shell on. Can't claim not care what other people think ( especially my parents ). I already know their stance on this subject. Just a sucky situation.
While wanting to die isn't as serious as suicidal ideation, it's still a problem. I would strongly encourage you to find a counselor or a support group.
I came out to one friend a month ago and I found out it wasn't the end of the world. We get along the same way we did before I told him. He doesn't act any differently around me at all. It's giving me the confidence I need to tell more people. Maybe you just need to find one friend you trust and can confide in.