I'm 18, and he's 35. We've known each other for about a year now and have become best friends, and I've seriously never related with anyone or been as close to anyone as him. We talk all the time, and he genuinely cares and is a good, honest guy who isn't at all some kind of "creep" out to get younger guys -- evidence of this being that he has had feelings for me for some time but didn't tell me until I told him just recently that I have feelings for him. It's weird, because I never saw it coming, that I'd have feelings for him or vice versa. He's the best friend I've ever had, and I really do love him. He's so considerate, loving, caring, funny, sweet... I could go on, but you get the picture. He's a fantastic guy. I'm not sure what to do, because he is 17 years my senior. I'm rather mature for my age and I feel like we both relate on a similar maturity/emotional level, but I also realize I'm just starting college and he already has a well-established career. So, I don't know. I really, really care about him, and I know he really cares for me too. I want what's best for both of us and I fear that I may be taking advantage of him rather than the other way around. I really want him to be as happy as he's made me. Any advice?
I don't know, that's really a pretty big gap in not only age but life experience and where you guys currently are in life. I'm 24 and I wouldn't even date someone that age, lol. Maybe I have a really narrow view on things, but personally I would just stay friends if you guys are pretty compatible that way.
No, you're not crazy. An age differential when you are just beginning adulthood is a little scary, but I think you two can make it work. You should definitely have a conversation about what this means and how you're going to do what you need to do in your life while sharing it with him. He can't make you stop your development. That much is clear. You should finish college, and then see where your long-term relationship goes. I was recently with a guy ten years my senior, and I'm not scarred for life. But then again, that was a casual encounter. Not a relationship prospect.
A 17-year difference is not really a big deal in my opinion (18 is my limit for a relationship). The problem is that you're only 18. That is a little young and people will assume all sorts of things from this. Personally, I would advise you to wait at least 2 more years before making any decision. And what does he think about this? What does he want to do with you two?
This is a bad idea. A very bad idea. A terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad idea. For so many reasons. First, everyone, and I mean everyone thinks they're mature of their age. With a vanishingly small number of exceptions, we aren't. What someone wants out of a relationship at 18 is completely different from what someone wants at 35. Second, you're at different places in your life. Both having a career and being a college student make specific demands on your time, money, and lifestyle. These demands are pretty much incompatible. Third, because of the differences between you in age and financial status, there's a huge potential for codependency and/or abuse. The two of you have a significant power imbalance, and you aren't experienced enough to know how to negotiate that in a way that keeps you safe. So no, don't do this.
I realize this, and that's part of what scares/bothers me. More than anything, I want him to be happy, and I definitely don't want people making wrong assumptions about him. We've both agreed that for now, we're each going to try to be the best friend we can be and see where we go. Definitely not rushing into anything more, but also realizing we both have more-than-friend feelings for each other and there's potential for relationship there. Neither of us is in any rush. ---------- Post added 28th Oct 2012 at 10:46 PM ---------- I get what you're saying, except that everyone else says it, not me. I don't know. I mean I know what you're saying, and yes, I do have to agree we're at different places in life... I don't know. I definitely do not -- let me say that emphatically -- do not see potential for codependency or abuse. In any way, shape or form. Power imbalance in what way?
Well, the question is, do you really want advice, or do you want validation for something you've already decided you want to do? This *is* a really bad idea. There's no way, at 18, that you're going to in any stretch of the imagination have a balanced, emotionally healthy, relationship with someone more than twice your age. No matter how mature you think you are, there are a lot of life experiences and passages we go through between reaching adulthood at 18 and really assuming adult lives and responsibilities, which typically happens in the mid-20s. As others have already stated, you're in completely different places in your life; you are just starting your adult life, thinking about career, education, etc., and he is in early middle age, thinking about very different things. Another common point I always make in these cases is... why is someone twice your age wanting a relationship with someone young enough to be his son? That's not healthy, and indicates there's a problem with his social/emotional development. Having a mentorship/friendship is one thing... but a relationship is something completely different. Finally, you seem overly concerned about how *he* feels, and whether he's happy. Which is nice, but you should be more concerned about what *you* feel, and your happiness. Honestly, in almost all of these cases, what's really going on is the younger person is looking for someone to take care of them, rather than a healthy, interdependent relationship. The fact that you're "taking it slow" and "seeing where you can go" is an indicator that you've already made up your mind so I may be wasting my time by even writing this out... but really, you will be much, much happier if you make the decision *now* that it wouldn't be healthy for you, and close the door to the idea of a relationship. Both of you, if you value the friendship and want to maintain it over time, will appreciate this decision in the long run.
Um I know I'm a girl but lets just ignore that for now -_- Do you love him? (ok that was a stupid question since it's pretty obvious ) Does he love you? Like genuinely love you? (I get the feeling that he does) If both of the above are a yes then whats the problem? My parents have a ten year age gap and it's not weird and from what they say it was never weird. My dad was the same age that you were when he met my mom (she was 28) and he really was more mature than others because of what he had experienced in his life. So what I'm trying to say is if you love him and he loves you then that should be it, after all age is just a number (It doesn't matter what others think, and if you later on decide that what you feel isnt as really as you thought then at least you have gained some valuable dating experience and have gained a very valuable friend
The fact you don't see it is a serious problem. I don't think anyone's talking about abuse in a physical sense; it's a lot more insidious than that. There is inherently a huge power differential that is inescapable simply because he has far more life experience, and likely more money, resources, etc., than you do. Both of which creates huge imbalances that make it nearly impossible to have a truly interdependent relationship. Having people describe you as "mature for your age" does not mean "capable of being in a healthy relationship with someone twice your age." I have several friends who, at 18, acted 25 or 30+ in many ways... but all of them still had attributes of their 18 year old selves, most notably in emotional, psychological, and relationship development. Which is precisely where the imbalance is most likely to occur. Additionally, I wouldn't assume, just because this guy didn't tell you before now that he was attracted to you, that it means he's Mr. Good Intentions. An emotionally healthy person, as I said above, wouldn't be attracted, romantically, to someone half their age, and the fact he didn't tell you *could* mean that he is simply patient, as are many older guys who go after younger ones. I don't mean to rain on your parade here, but... seriously, this isn't a good idea.
The power imbalance comes from your different ages, life circumstances, financial statuses, and life experiences. All of these things are balanced heavily in his favor. If you don't see how this exacerbates the potential for codependency or abuse, then that's an excellent red flag that you are not ready for a romantic relationship of any sort.
