So as a lot of you know, I've been having a rough time with my mom lately. And it's finally getting to me. As much as I say I'd be fine without my parents in my life, I really want to have a decent relationship with them. I feel like when I say I'd be fine without them, I'm mostly trying to convince myself I would be. I've found myself crying a lot lately thinking about how alone I am in terms of family and I don't really have anyone I'm that close to anymore. Whenever I'm alone I pretty much find myself dwelling on the shit going on with my family and usually just end up crying, I want to get along with them and I want my mom to accept I'm gay and to be okay with it and I just want to feel like I have people who love me and care about me. And I feel like I'll never have that. I'm almost scared to be alone anymore since I just end up thinking depressing thoughts and about how much things aren't going they way I want them to. I've gone from being a complete introvert to wanting to constantly be around people to distract me from all shitty stuff in my life. And even when I'm alone I usually find myself in a chat room just to talk to people. I'm beginning to have trouble keeping up in school since I don't want to be alone with my thoughts while I'm working on homework. It's like I've gone from burying my emotions and not caring about them to trying to hide from them, if that makes any sense. I'm not really sure what to make of what is going on in my head. I'm not really sure what I'm looking for right now, but if any of you guys have any advice or input, I would appreciate it.
It would be great if your mom could accept you as being gay, but as you've pointed out, recent events suggest that that will be a longer time coming than you might like - the first thing I'd suggest is to try to avoid making your happiness contingent on her response to you. In time she may very well come to accept you, but at the moment you need a base somewhere else. You could try to branch out to others in the family - no matter how close (siblings, grandparent, second cousin once removed). You might have to explain to them what's going on, since normally people are pulling away from their family's influence when they go to college, but you might be able to find someone willing to lend an ear. You could also try adjusting your expectations with your mom. Maybe the goal isn't getting her to accept you, but "doing right" by her in such a way that you know you deserve her acceptance and can see yourself as a good son, even if she doesn't give it to you. I'm not saying you should overextend yourself by any means, and you might already be in a position to know you're a good son. I'm just saying that your perception of yourself is something you have control over (as opposed to, ultimately, her perception of you). As far as wanting to be around people. For the most part, it's a healthy urge, and if you're coming out of your historical shell a little bit, then give yourself permission to explore that. But maybe you could come up with things to do by yourself that will distract you from thoughts equally well. Try planning a "me night" - think of a movie, a book, a game, or some music that you could enjoy at home, or multiples of the above. Make a theme out of it. Maybe plan one night a week for it - it can even be Tuesday or something.
