This has become too much for me.

I apologize to anyone if this is too long. I also apologize in advance in case I might write anything that might come off as offensive. My goal is to just write everything I can to describe my situation and see what you guys think. I'll be as honest as I can.

For the past 9 years I have had this on and off thought of, "am I gay?" This thought can come for a few weeks, maybe months but eventually goes away but comes back after a few months (which stinks because it ruins my sex drive and leaves me in a frozen state). I'm not sure how it started exactly but I do recall being 13 years old and watching wrestling and I remember thinking that one of the wrestlers reminded me of a girl (he had a girl like haircut). This freaked me out a bit but I got over it (though the image has stuck). I also remember feeling uncomfortable after making eye contact with a kid in 8th grade and feeling like "did THAT mean anything?". I also remember feeling uncomfortable when my friends brother would come over (this lasted for a few weeks but I got over it as well). I also remember being in 9th grade and this show came on that involved a kid finding out he was gay and I myself thought that I was gay too (I tend to get scared easily but now I watch this episode as kind of a ritual just to check). In college I remember being nervous around some guy for a while but once i met him face to face, I got over that as well. Finally, about a year ago I had a huge anxiety attack after I had a dream where some guy had his shirt off and I was in the same room as him (I have had dreams that involve nudity in the past but I've brushed them off before). This one came after I watched boxing the previous night and had me terrified.

I've talked to my best friend about this (he's bisexual but tends to like men more) and he tells me that dreams don't usually mean anything and that the stuff that happened to me when I was younger was just because I was younger and going through hormones. I also have to include that whenever I meet someone new, im always uncomfortable (not sure if that means anything). During these past 9 years, Ive only fallen in love twice (one I fell for instantly for a week while I was in Mexico, the other I've been in love with for 7 years though ive been doing everything i can to get over her since i dont have a shot) and had two other big crushes (they rejected me in the end) but I keep looking back in case I've ever had a crush on man (I'm pretty close with some of my male friends, haha we call each other bros). All the other women ive liked was just lust. I'm also TERRIBLE when it comes to relationships and dating (im not the affectionate type and I feel awkward doing PDA) and i'm also not interested in having kids or getting married (maybe its because im 22).

Now, I'm also not gonna write that I don't find any men attractive. I can obviously tell the difference between a good looking dude versus a not so good looking one (this applies to females too) and my best friend and I sometimes joke around like that. The only difference being that when it comes to women, they're usually the ones I want to sleep with (have I ever thought a guy was cute? sure but it never meant much to me until I begin to freak out). I also have a staring problem but thats probably irrelevant. Another reason I get so worried is that SOMETIMES when i have sex with a woman, i dont always orgasm. I wont lie, sometimes if i dont click with the female, I get bored easily or if she wont let me do what i want, then i just kinda get over it. Ive also noticed that if we hit it off well, i pop pretty quick (sorry if this is too much). I'm also a bit of a flirt (at least when it comes to random women or my female friend that I really like) but i have low expectations. The majority of the women ive been with were escorts since I dont have any "game" when it comes to picking up women. I have needs i suppose.

I have been prescribed anti depressants/anxiety pills and i have been diagnosed with OCD (though to be honest, I doubt that has anything to do with this minus my constant hand washing and me having to eat EXACTLY every 5 hours and having to have a clean room) and when it take these, my worrying slowly starts to fade and I can start thinking clearly again and suddenly my worries stop. I've also tried to accept the fact that maybe I am gay and there is nothing to be afraid of but somehow that just doesn't feel like its really me (i end up going back to women). I've tried watching gay porn (which took a lot out of me because i really didnt want to) but felt relieved when i didnt feel anything. I watch scenes in movies where the man has his shirt off and try to see if i have any feelings. Usually what I end up doing is just feeling insecure about my body but other than that, nothing. I've read stories about people who realize they are gay later in life and I worry that maybe thats me. I've been told I should experiment with members of the same sex but ive never really wanted to (haha hell ive even been offered up to 100 dollars by men just to be with them a while but while it is flattering to me, im not interested). Ive talked to psychologists about this and they all tell me im straight but that nothing in life is guaranteed. I guess im just waiting now...ive forced myself to see if im attracted to men as much as women but i dont last more than a few seconds and feel better when i switch to women.

I know that if i came out as gay or bisexual, my family would support me, my friends would be accepting, which is great if that is the case. I've practiced coming out but its just not how i really feel since im not into guys. I have terrible luck with women, maybe thats why? At this point, everything I do just HAS to mean something to me. I just want all this endless thinking to stop once and for all! I don't care what I am, gay, straight, bisexual, i just want the thinking to stop because its driving me crazy! I've also been watching videos and reading news stories about gay rights, peoples coming out stories, watching those STUPID ex gay pastors (horrible people), ive just tried to be more gay friendly too. But like i wrote, i cant stand this constant thinking anymore! I used to be paranoid going into locker rooms to change but once in there, I was okay after a few minutes and got over it (my new fear is taking showers with other men but i just figure ill get over that too). Does it mean anything if i often compare myself to other men? I tend to do that a lot, at least recently. Again, I don't mean to come off as homophobic or as some psycho. I know in the end only I can figure this out but these mind games just wear me down.

 

What I mean by always thinking is basically, I try to see if anything I did had meaning behind it, any action. I tend to analyze everything I do. From my mannerisms all the way to if I sound like im bragging about women too much.

For instance, I've gone to clubs with friends and some guy would compliment me and I'd be like, "thanks!" Everything would be fine until I get home and start thinking about if that meant anything. Or if I have sex with a woman and she stinks down "there" and because I couldnt perform, I start thinking, "yeah...im gay." Of course, im only joking but as soon as I get home and start thinking about it, I start panicking.

Usually when this happens, i tell myself, "dude...its 2012. being gay is AWESOME!" however, the next day i just end up going back to school or outside looking at women and such and wondering "yeah...im not gay." Or if im trying really hard to concentrate on men, a busty woman would pass by and id think, "wooooow look at that!:icon_bigg" and then go back to worrying when I get home.

Its a strange pattern...this usually hits me in case I failed at getting a girls attention (i also worry about my body but thats another story) but whenever I try to become attracted to the same sex because i figure that im gay, i just cant do it....its not the same feeling of joy that i get. I try to look at pictures of men and my mind is telling me. "oooookay i REALLY dont want to look at this anymore, lets get out of here!" but I stick it out until i cant anymore and then I end up relieved because it felt like torture to me once its over. I sometimes force myself just to see if I can become attracted to my own kind basically. Ive had many, MANY chances to hook up with men but ive never felt a genuine desire to do so...its just not there for me.

I spend hours, even DAYS just looking up forums from different points of views just to see whats up with me. But like I said, after a while, i just calm down and go, "meh...so what if I am? no big deal" and then im back to my old self.

 

As soon as I wrote my story, I already began to feel a bit better and im not worried that much anymore to be honest.

I tend to have my moments where I can be totally fine but at some point I just peak with my anxiety and BAM! I've tried to masturbate to men but I have this..."lock" if you will where i can't go on if a man pops up. The other day I finally tried watching gay porn but I ended up laughing for a bit and all I kept noticing was how built some of them where. My favorite parts on a woman tend to be the butt so I try to apply that to a man but It jusnt isnt the same for me. It feels like something is missing. Other than that, not much else. I wanted to get off but I couldn't do it either. All I noticed is that these guys get REALLY into it which kinda puts straight porn to shame hahaha. When I worry if I might be gay, I tend to look at EVERY male outside side and see if im attracted to them at all, even the ones on TV. Even when I go to the movie theater, i end up comparing men and women (though I already know who id prefer but still, its become a habit when i worry).

When you write arousal, what exactly do you mean? I've tried to fantasize about men but I can't bring myself to do it. I usually end up making this "cringe" face when I try to and then its just. "yeaaaah i can't do this anymore." I tend to have "pop up" images men (it can be faces, family members, even me) when i masturbate to women and sometimes I just continue to not ruin the moment. When that happens, i usually go, "meh...whats done is done." Does that count?

 

well, i went ahead and kinda took your advice chip and watched gay porn again (which i had to psyche myself up for because i really didnt want to).

my preference is white women so i figured maybe id like white men too? anyhoo, i just skipped to the blowing part and honestly, this didnt really do anything for me. I admit for a few seconds i wanted to turn away because its not something id like but im not gonna go ahead and say that its disgusting or anything because my reaction was just "meh, so what?" Its as if once I was this, whatever "anxiety" I had just kinda vanished because the porn didnt do anything for me. Of course, once I went back to straight porn, it was just "phew...im back to this."

I also watched wrestling today and my thought process was, "OH MY GOD! HALF NAKED MAN! AAAAAAH! ah im over it..." and then proceeded to watch the match. what WORRIES me however is that the images of what i just saw will now stay with me for good (in reference to the porn). THATS the only thing that gets me (by the way, the "images" problem isnt just with same sex stuff. It can be about anything that might bother me like spiders or grandma being naked in the shower).

Also, i re-read my first response and it felt like i kept pushing the "girl" word too much?
Is that something a closet case would do? I also read about the 5 stages and I think i might fit in all of those but even after I tried coming out, i was still the same and nothing changed for me. I've even accepted the fact that im probably not 100 percent straight (some of the stuff ive watched over the years...yeah i cant be).

Ive also gone to do webcams looking for females and while i do get one or two chicks, sometimes, men would watch. Usually i dont have a problem with this until they want to cam with me as well. Thats when i go, "thanks but no thanks."

Lastly, I don't really want a relationship right now (i dont have my life together) and the only person i can see myself having that with is with my ex who ive been in love with for years. But ive trying to get over her because she's told me she doesnt see me that way anymore. She and i flirt a lot but it sucks that i cant find anyone like her...

sorry if i started blabbing about my love life...anyway, should someone be this obsessed over this? I read somewhere on here that "you are what you obsess over" and that only got me more. Am i just so deep in denial that I can't even see it at this point? Did you guys ever think about this as much as I have? Medicine can help me relax but I dunno, i dont trust it. Today my parents were joking about spongebob being gay and it sounded a bit homophobic so maybes its because of that? Is it odd that whenever someone uses the word gay as an insult I get a little ticked off like, "hey dont use that word that way!"

Again, i apologize if this is too much. A month ago, i wasn't worried at all and even if i did think about it, all i would say is, "well if i am gay/bisexual/etc, its cool, no worries."

 

I know what I like its just always this question of, "well what if...?" I've reached the point where I just assume that everyone thinks I probably am gay (which by the way, there is nothing wrong with). What's also bugging me is that i've completely lost my sex drive which just sucks. I don't want to test myself with gay porn anymore, I think im good on that end. I've also noticed that every time I watch straight porn, i do that thing where i cover up the mans junk with my hand...does that mean anything?

Every time I see a girl i like I kinda just figure, "yeah but what if you are gay?"
A few seconds later i think, "pffff i'd still hit it even if i was." The anxiety can get to the point where i feel like im gonna have a chestburster come out of me (think alien). Personally, I think its dumb that im having this kind of fear/paranoia when there shouldn't be anything to be afraid of. At night I even tell myself, "dude...you probably are gay and its fine." The next day im over it and im back to my usual looking up women online.

I've never really wanted to be with someone of the same sex in a sexual way like "oh yeah i want that so bad!" or in a relationship for that matter (i think relationships are too much work anyway). Ive tried fantasizing about men but the furthest i can get is usually stuff from movies i seen and then i stop because i just can't do it, i dont like it. Anyway, im sorry im bugging you guys over my problems, it seems that no matter what kind of answers i get, im always going to have questions. Someone on here told me before that i was searching for "holistic" answers. Not sure what that means.

 

just an FYI, im not religious and i dont really have any morals. I tend to see everything as "relative."

also, is it odd that every time i want to ask out a woman (usually one that i probably dont have a chance with) i get really nervous and if she SOMEHOW says yes, i panic and then i end up screwing it up? Usually the next day i feel terrible because i start thinking about what i could have done differently.

im still looking into my past to see if there were any signs that maybe indicate im not straight. Do straight people never question themselves? I keep searching online and asking people for different answers but nothing seems calm me down until i just relax and breathe.

Do i ever sound like im making things up? sorry if i do its just im trying to be honest and i tend to write a lot when i worry. I remember in junior high i used to get teased and people would calm me gay and queer. half of my signatures from my yearbook during 8th grade all said stuff like, "later gay guy" or "have a good one fag." You think it may be because of that? I tend to be very hyper so maybe thats why i was called that?

 

my friend and several people have told me that its not a black and white issue, that the majority of people fall somewhere in the middle. I've accepted this but even when I do, i end up having even more questions...(this "asking a lot of questions" happens a lot when i worry about anything in general.)

When things get too intense, I end up going outside and just wondering if im attracted to everyone, I end up noticing faces, arms, chest, and i keep asking if im attracted to that. I don't do this with females because i already know the answer to that but still, the paranoia is there.

Is it odd that im not attracted to every single female out there? ive had the chance to sleep with some women but if im not digging them, i cant do it.

---------- Post added 31st Oct 2012 at 02:13 PM ----------

well not the middle, but that there is a gray area where its rare for anyone to be completely straight or gay.

 

Perhaps but I don't want to use my OCD as an excuse (although the hand washing and my NEED to organize every single thing in my life can get annoying after a while). The three psychologists ive talked to all tell me the same thing and that I just need to relax (which when I do, this tends to just vanish on its own). Even when im worrying about this, I still find myself looking for dates (though I feel that im incapable of maintaining a relationship) and still trying to get my friend to show me her...."goods" haha. I don't have a problem hugging my male or gay friends and if my friend asked me to go with him to a gay club (hes been wanting to go for a while) i also wouldnt have a problem either. My friend even jokes with me that if i can't find a girlfriend, i should become bi like him and i mess around and i go "yeah huh? haha." Its only when i start thinking about it really hard and start asking if any of that stuff meant anything is when I begin to stress out. When that happens, i start thinking if anything in my past meant anything or if my current actions implied something.

At night I visualize things that ive seen on tv and put myself in those situations to see whether i would prefer the man or woman. I tell myself, "no matter what you choose, its okay, theres NOTHING wrong with you." Usually i choose the woman but if i ever chose the man, i would tell myself, "well there you go! you are gay my friend!" The next morning however, im over it already and i just tell myself "bah, nothing wrong with that, it meant nothing anyway."

I'm kind of an introvert so would that have anything to do with this?

 

So I was pretty much getting over this until tonight when I started thinking about the issue a lot harder. I keep looking up the forums on yahoo and on here along with several other websites. I keep going on youtube to watch people's coming out stories because its kinda therapeutic in a way for me (along with documentaries about people in the lgbt community or movies with gay and lesbian issues) which by the way, made me realize how horrible the discrimination and the struggles have been as well.

Does it mean that I might be gay/bi if I don't get a hard on from every great looking woman out there? I mean im only human right? I used to go on these soft core porn sites with women for years but you know, i have school and a life (and other hobbies) so i dont go on all the time (i still do from time to time and wow...awesome pics!) but yeah, i dont always get a a woody and that worries me. Does it also mean anything if im terrified of being in a relationship in general? I always worry that I wont be a good boyfriend or that ill fail and my partner (i didnt write girlfriend because i dont want to sound like im homophobic or anything) will leave me and ill be alone forever. I also worry that perhaps i could be gay because ive only fallen in love with a girl 5 times in my whole life (its been over a year since my last one) although ive lusted after a ton. Does it also mean anything if im not a great kisser and i dont kiss every single girl ive been with? The only girls ive ever wanted to kiss are the ones i really liked so...yeah.

Does it mean anything that whenever im outside i just HAVE to look at everyone and compare my attractions? I look at a woman, now i have to look at a man to compare my attraction level. Does it also mean anything if i dont feel comfortable talking about my sex life and what im into? My friends are very open about talking about relationships and people they've been with. I'm a very private person and sometimes i just make up stuff so they leave me alone. Could I possibly be gay if every time a built guy comes on tv or on a video and i immediately check my own body out and ask myself "man, how did he get like that? why can't i look like that?"

overall, do straight people EVER question? Ive read countlessly on different sites, that if anybody asks, "am i gay?/what if i am gay?" BOOM...they are. I tried to get aroused by men but it just wasnt working...i really dont want to watch gay porn anymore, i watched it twice and it didnt do anything for me but now the images are stuck in my head and every time i worry, BAM, image. Does that popping of images mean anything as well?

should anyone EVER worry or even think about this this much?! writing on this site helps me calm down and whatever anxiety i had tends to dissipate. Every time i think i might be attracted to my own kind (example: "WHOAH that dude is ripped!"), i tell myself, "yeah...totally gay." Then on tv or in the streets a GORGEOUS woman can pass by and then its, "yeah....im not gay."

No matter the answer, this has become exhausting for me...the endless thinking and this "obsession" with my orientation is ruining my dating life. Does it mean anything if i just have terrible skills with women, (most women ive met like cool guys with a car, house, money, etc.) stuff i dont have.

sorry if i ramble endlessly, again, writing this stuff down helps calm down a lot.
the other day i tried to get myself to see if i could have sex with a tranny but i just couldnt do it...i tried to stare at the genitals but i just couldnt get myself to have sex with a tranny on account of that they have....a penis. This guy (who when i emailed i thought was a female) tried to get me to have sex by sending me this long paragraph going into great detail into what he would do to me. I replied back, "no thanks" and now i worry that by getting the email along, perhaps it meant i could possibly be gay or bi. I swear i have all these thoughts going on in my head but eventually....i guess it all stops once i relax. Sometime i worry that ill always be thinking (granted this isnt the only thing on my mind but it sucks because it can keep me from focusing on my schoolwork). Something i also do to relive my stress is to clean my room....cleaning my room is a little thing i do to ease my mind (i also walk my dog outside to soothe my head from all this thinking).

the other day i went to the bar with some friends and the bartender (male) had on a really bright red shirt....i just had this need to keep looking at the shirt...ive never seen that kind of shirt before...does that mean anything? once i looked for a bit, i got over it...im really sorry about my rambling guys.

 

Thanks guys.

Also, im sorry about using the "T" word, I didn't mean to offend anyone.

I'd say im okay now but...well, this is kind of a pattern that i'm just used to now.

The Internet can help me at times and it can also bring me down a ton too.

Every time i get an answer, i always end up asking even more questions so if I get annoying, again I apologize.

 

im really sorry to bug you guys again but....does it mean anything if i keep coming back here to check for responses?

im pretty much over this but its become a habit of mine to keep coming back here to check for a response

sorry guys.

 

AAAAAH! allright guys! I need your opinion now more than ever! So i was watching a sports game (soccer match) and everything was fine but as soon as the players took their shirts off, i became really anxious and terrified! My thought was, "aaaah half naked men!" and i became really anxious and uncomfortable. I checked to see if I became erect and nothing happened but this just scared me. Is this a sign that I might b possibly be gay/bi/other? I mean im mostly over it now but still, does that type of feeling mean anything? Was that considered arousal? Now im terrified of watching sports because im gonna worry that im attracted to everyone playing. I feel as if i pissed my pants and...i need answers!