Part of what I'm about to write in this thread has already been written about on these forums, but is of importance to what I need to vent about so I'll try to summarize. Once upon a time, I was very close with a straight couple. The both of them. They were there for me through tough times and I saw them close to daily. I was closer with the girl, but I was really just close friends with the both of them. Then the girl of the couple met someone else and broke the guy's heart. As the guy's best friend, I was there for him and we still saw each other (close to) daily, and I may have told him that I didn't want to stay in contact with the girl for what she did. I soon started to develop feelings for him. Some time later I started having contact with the girl again, we would go out sometimes. I couldn't not see her anymore, she meant a lot to me as well. The guy knew about this and did say he found it a bit odd (trust me, I did as well), but he couldn't tell me not to be friends with her anymore and he even got a bit angry the first time but that subsided quickly. I remember how good of a person I thought he was for not making me choose between the both of them. After months, I told the guy about my feelings. I wasn't expecting him to reciprocate, but two weeks later we were dating. All this when he knew I was still in contact with his ex. At one point when we were on holiday together, we sat next to each other on a sofa, and the girl texted me. I answered her and I asked the guy (we were close to officially dating at that point) whether he minded the fact that I was texting her while he was sitting next to me, because I felt it was odd. He said 'It doesn't really bother me anymore'. I thought he was okay with it. I just thought he was speaking the truth. The girl does not know about this relationship by the way. A month later I told him I wanted to talk because I felt we were growing apart. This is when he broke up with me, because the friendship was more important to him and if we kept dating the chance we'd completely lose each other would be bigger and he just didn't see this 'us' happening anymore (because I'm a guy). So, we went back to being friends. Not as easy as it sounds, most of you will know. There were a few times I wanted to go NC on him but those were failed attempts. He knows I considered this and I finally told him I'd go for the friendship, despite of how hurt I was. From there on though, we started having less and less contact and I felt I'd more or less lost him. Now, to the point: Tonight, we were on Skype. He asked me how I was. I told him the truth, as we were friends, and said I felt lonely. He said he felt the same. He asked why I felt lonely. I said 'I miss the friendship we had, because this time around we really have grown apart.' At first he said that he did too. Then he said: 'I think the reason I'm keeping my distance from you is the fact that you are still friends with *the girl*.' He said that he felt betrayed when I started seeing her again, that he felt like our friendship didn't matter to me. That I didn't care. That he feels down because I was his "best friend" and I was the one who "understood" him but then happily started being friends with the girl again. He said he didn't want to make me choose, I could be still be friends with her, but I had to keep in mind what that would mean for 'us'. Then he said he went to bed and that he would hear from me. The things he said really hurt and surprised me. I had asked him multiple times over the past few months how he felt about it but it seemed to not bother him anymore. Of course, it makes sense, but he should have just told me then! He says he has felt betrayed for all this time and it makes me feel like a bad person... while I thought I was being a good friend. I have to choose. He says he doesn't want to make me choose but it's what it comes down to. But I can't. Never has anyone meant as much to me as they both do. Logically I would go for the guy I guess, but the girl means a lot to me too and I can't just ditch her like this. I mean that's a bit late now isn't it, after 6 months? Besides, she never did me any wrong... The timing of this is terrible, too, I have an exam and two deadlines tomorrow and it is past 1:30 am. I just want to shut off the world. I really don't know what to do. Any advice...?
First, I would just sleep on it. Focus on your exam and deadlines. They are more important right now. You shouldn't feel like a bad person at all. It seems as if you gave him ample opportunity to voice his discomfort. You certainly are in a very tricky situation. I would talk to the girl if I were you and explain the situation and see what she thinks. It is really selfish and unfair of your ex to ask you to choose. He is just hurting all of you by doing so. I honestly don't think you should choose. I would just explain to him that they are both equally important to you and that he is being unfair. I would tell him that his friendship is very important to you and that you never intended to hurt him. I would also explain to him that you can easily keep your relationships with both of them separate so your relationship with her should affect him in no way. I am really sorry you are in this situation. I am not sure there is really any clean fix. I wish you the best of luck!
Even though he may not want to be in touch with this girl, I'd say don't let your partner -- or anyone -- dictate who your friends are. You could say he's the one who has to choose; he can put up with knowing you are in touch with his ex, or he can live without you.
Thanks for your advice! He just says he can't be friends with me, knowing I'm still in touch with his ex. So, a week has passed... and I still don't know what to do. Thing is, I've more or less told him I'm considering no longer being in touch with his ex. But then he's like... 'what are you gonna tell her. You're not gonna tell her it's because of me, are you?' So okay. But what other option is there? I have absolutely no other clue of why I would no longer want to be in touch with her. Which is exactly what makes it so unfair. And whatever I tell her, she's going to think it's because of him anyway. What I'm also considering is merely pretending to not be in touch with her anymore. I mean isn't that best for everyone? That way no one would get hurt. I'd be lying to him though, besides, he'll want to know what I supposedly told her and I will have to make that up... and I have no clue. I really want to lose neither, but if I had to choose, I'd go for my ex. But is it worth it? Who says we'll be such great friends as we were before? We've been dating as well so things will be different either way. And I still sort of want him back so it isn't even purely platonic. Any other advice? I guess there isn't much advice to give. I've told some of my friends, and they don't know what I should do either... It's really hurting me though and I just want to get this problem solved. It's really emotionally tiring and every time I think of losing either one, I start crying...
well here is this. see if you can get him to see it from your point of view, just because you are friends with her doesnt mean that he is any less important. its not fair for you to have to choose. really delve into, make sure that his feelings arent rooted else where than he will let on (not that he has malicious intent, just that he may know its unfair or embarrassing), perhaps that he is jealous. if this is the case, jealousy can easily be dispelled with kind and honest words. he means a lot to you and so does she, not romantically but you arent going to cut her out of your life when she has been such an important part. its not up to him to dictate your friends but he still means more than most to you. dunno how much sense that really makes but its all i got atm lol
Man, I really am truly sorry that you're in this mess. One of my greatest fears has been having to chose between two friends. I always told myself though if two friends are having trouble, I choose BOTH of them regardless of how pissed off they get at me. Fortunately for me, I've never been in this predicament. But maybe you gotta let them understand, or let him understand, how much this decision is tearing you asunder. Because if you have to choose, you may end up like me. I've recently been dealing with some personal, internal, psychological crap with myself, and as a result, i've kinda drew walls around myself and jus have slowly been pushing myself outta ALL of my friends lives (except my besty). Even the friend that meat more to me than anything else in the world, I barely say two words to her any day... I used to text her EVERYDAY, even if i had nothing to say, just to check on her... Haven't texted her in about a month. I sit next to her in my gov. class, haven't said a word to her in a few weeks... My point is, your friends gotta realize that a decision like this aint healthy for your heart. This is the kinda thing that tears you, breaks you, and clouds you. You just CAN'T make this decision if they both mean that much to you. YOu gotta let him know that you earnestly don't mean to hurt him, but you can't just cut an important part of your life...
