Does he just not want to be friends?

OK, so I've talked about this guy on EC before. He is without doubt my "first love". I can't stop thinking about him and it's driving me demented. And I'm certain I can call it love because he's the first person where I'm not solely focused on the sexual side of things... I'm more attracted to his personality and who he is more than anything else.

I really don't know whether he is gay. He seems like it sometimes, but either way he is extremely supportive and knowledgeable about gay rights. To be honest, I would be more than happy to just be friends with him. That's what I want.

I've known this guy for nearly four years now, and he's just over a year younger than me but he's two years behind me in school. I've known him through a publication in my school which I was in charge of. I got to know him much better near the end of the school year last year; mainly because I decided he would take over the publication from me this year (it's an exam year for me and it's too much work). To be honest, I've never met someone who I've been more impressed with in all my life. He's really smart, he has perfect morals, and he thinks exactly like me in a load of ways. Without being dramatic, he is the most amazing person I've ever met.

So anyway, I decided that in the context of him taking over the publication, I would tell him how great I thought he was and I let him know the things that I thought made him so great. And I came out to him. All going well, no issues.

He came over during the summer and I went through a lot of the stuff in relation to the publication. Nothing special really.

But anyway, he wasn't able to manage the publication as well as I would have hoped, so I ended up basically bending over backwards this year to help him get the first issue out. I met him in a café to set up his computer and everything in the right way, and I spent a load of time with him during school giving him advice and getting everything to work. He thanked me for all the help I was giving him, and I responded with something like: "it's not like I'm just helping you with the publication; I really like talking to you too." He said: "yeah, it would be odd if we didn't like each other".

I was building up to a point where I could do things socially with him besides the publication. So about a month ago, I asked him to go to see a movie we had talked about. And he replied straight away and suggested a day to see it. I thought this was a really good sign, because it was on Facebook chat and if he didn't want to go see it, he could easily have come up with an excuse. But he replied straight away. But he kind of cancelled because he said he needed to work on the publication (which didn't make sense, really). Anyway, I got around it by saying that I was going to give him some advice relating to the publication and then he agreed to go to the cinema. (On after thought, he probably was initially afraid that I was going to come on to him, especially one-on-one in the cinema.) It went well, and I enjoyed it and we had a good enough discussion about the movie.

Anyway, I'm hopeless at giving advice in person, so I decided to message him that night with the advice I was trying to give him, interspersed with comments about how great I thought he was. He seemed really grateful for the advice, and he said that he had no idea how highly I thought of him (despite me telling him it before).

Anyway, to cut a long, long story short, he came over to my house for a whole weekend to finish off the design of the publication. When we were getting the bus to my house, we had a really good discussion about how he over-analyzes everything and how he finds it hard to tell what other people are thinking. And that he's often afraid of becoming too close a friend with people because he feels they're too clingy. I had noticed this about him, so I asked him if he pushes people away because of this, and he said that he did. We had a really, really good discussion about a load of personal and deep stuff for the rest of the day, and he game back the next two days and we just continued on with the design of the publication without getting into anything too deep. He got on well with my family and we had a good discussion at dinner, too.

When he was leaving my house on the final night, I told him that we should hang out more, because I enjoyed talking with him. I told him that I didn't realise how boring my conversations had got with my own friends — I had been friends with them too long. I honestly don't know what he said after that because my Dad came into the hallway (he was dropping him home). I was texting him when he got home about publication-related stuff and me being a similar over-analyser... I asked him if he understood what I meant, and he said "yeah don't worry, I got what you meant". And I replied telling him that he was the first person in a while whose conversation was actually interesting and challenging. I had asked him another question in the same text, so he replied to that question without saying anything about what I had said relating to "interesting and challenging".

We continued texting that night, so it's not like he was totally weirded out or anything, but also, he needed me to help him with stuff, so he couldn't exactly have decided not to text me.

Anyway, we continued texting all week in relation to the publication and I spoke with him in school. I was worried because I'm always cranky in school and to be honest, I've been really good friends with a few people for ages and I feel like I've lost the ability to converse with new friends or new people without sounding boring... I just hope he didn't find me boring.

Anyway... the publication came out last Thursday and I made sure I bought a few copies and spoke to him a bit, but I thought I should leave him breath a bit since we had seen a lot of each other. I didn't go to the weekly publication meeting, either, since I wanted him to take most of the glory for it even though I had done way more work than I should have. I saw him on the Friday briefly then and spoke to him a bit, too. But that was it.

Now we have a week off for Halloween break, and it would be a perfect time for him to text me and ask to do something. But I don't think he will. But I almost feel like the ball is in his court. Given the emboldened things above, I'm afraid to sound too clingy. But he's also the type of person that doesn't do anything with people unless the other person is the one to make the first contact.

What do you guys think? What should I do? Does it look like he's only interested in my help with the publication or what?

I REALLY want to be friends with him. But I know someone who lives in his park, and he describes him as a lone ranger and socially inept (a bit like me). But he doesn't come across as socially inept though... he looks like he has a big group of friends from his year and stuff. I don't know.

What would you do? What my gut is telling me is that I should leave the week's break go without contacting him unless he contacts me, and then leave it about a week and try to avoid him in school so we have had "breathing" space. And then maybe I can talk to him and see what the story is...

But my heart is telling me something different...

Also, he strikes me as the kind of person that just doesn't contact people unless they contact him. That's the impression I've gotten, anyway.

(P.S. all the emboldened parts are the parts which I think are important.)

 

What do you mean "just go for it"? What should be my next move? I don't know... I'm inclined to think that he will think I'm too clingy as I talked about above... is it not just better to wait out the week or two and then come back to him?

 

^^^^ Guys, I know it's only just been a day, but I'd really appreciate some opinions on this. I know it's a long post, but it would be great to hear what some of you think.

 

Thanks guys!

But put it this way: would there be anything bad about just not contacting him and waiting maybe until next Thursday to "bump into" him in school? And then maybe texting him to do something next weekend instead after bumping into him?

I really don't want him to think I'm too clingy. Like maybe he wants to be friends, but doesn't want to become too close. And who knows, maybe he might text me over the next few days anyway.

 

I don't know. I see where you are coming from. BUT, I really just want to be friends with him anyway. And by telling him that I'm attracted to/crushing/in love with him, that's never going to happen.

I mean I've told him I'm gay... I mean, either he's gay and coming to terms with it, or he's not ready for a relationship, or he's not gay. I don't see how telling him is going to progress anything on the relationship front.

I've already let him know I really want to be friends with him and that I really like him — in a friend kind of way.

 

Wait, look... I don't think I said that at all actually. Yes, I probably would like to have a relationship with him. But I could cope with... what I really want... is to be friends with this guy.

My thread title is: "Does he just not want to be friends?", not "Does he just not want to be my boyfriend?". I was asking in this thread in the context of wanting to be friends with him.

I don't think he's gay. He might me; but I just want to become really good friends with him. I've already told him I'm gay; it really is up to him to tell me if he is or not.

I've already done a whole lot of telling him how I feel and what I think about him. I've already got to that point. Now I'm just wondering whether he just doesn't want to be friends with me and how I should take this next...

 

Exactly. He'd want to be a bit stupid not to know. But there's still enough doubt for him to think it's OK to just be friends (hopefully).

OK, that's good advice. Thanks.

 

I don't know what you mean by the "observer" thing. Can you elaborate?

I know what you're saying. But like we have really good conversations and stuff. I just think he's almost afraid of become to close to someone and he doesn't want a close friend. But like when I text him to say I thought he/the conversation was interesting/challenging, I did think it was the perfect opportunity to say he enjoyed my company or whatever. So I was disappointed with that. But maybe it's just not his style.

I know he is like this because he has told me he is like this. He does come across as really popular and easy to get on with, but from talking to him he has to almost force himself to be like that.

I know what you mean about the love/friendship feelings, but I don't see how that comes across to him. Most of what I've said to him has been in relation to the publication and giving him advice in relation to that — as a friend — besides the one point when I said we should hang out more besides the publication.

I feel though I've been waiting a while... I mean I came out to him in June, and I sowed seeds then about wanting to be friends with him and I left basically the whole summer without being too overpowering or anything. And that's why I'm leaving this week without getting in touch, too. But I can only wait so long.

Anyone else have any thoughts on this long, long thread?

 

Yeah, I did say that. Thanks for going back to read over the original thread, that means a lot.

But still, that was before I came out to him and when I was fairly certain that he was gay. Well, I came out and he hasn't said anything, so my feelings and views have had to evolve a bit. Before I would have thought that I couldn't stick just being friends with him, but I like him so much that I think it could work. Yeah, of course I would love if we could be more than friends... but I think working on becoming close friends with him will work. If he is gay, there's always the opportunity then. But if I tell him I fancy him right now and he's just not gay, then that's all dead in the water.

 

You see this past week, where we've both been on a break from school, is an example of him knowing that I'm free. But I don't know what he is up to. He hasn't really been on Facebook, so I'm hoping he's just away.

In my original thread we had a big argument about how this guy is two years behind me, so we don't have any mutual friends. People seemed to think that this didn't matter, but they didn't understand the system here.

We both like each other's company (and we even have had a discussion on how, in our education system, that there is an assumption that age is the most important thing we have in common, when it shouldn't be) but it is a bit out of the ordinary for people from two different years to be good friends. Like when he was coming over to my house one day, we bumped into someone he knew, and he asked what my friend was doing that day, and he said he was going over "to a friend's house" (i.e. my house). When his friend asked what year I was in, he seemed slightly shocked (maybe that's too strong, but still) that he was coming to my house, as I was two years ahead of him. There was another similar incident when we met someone from his year who was getting the same bus as us to my house, and this guy asked why my friend was getting that certain bus as it was different from his usual one. I know the guy from his year too, so it's almost like he assumed that my friend couldn't be getting this bus because he was with me.

Thanks. I really, really like hearing other people's stories and experiences.

What you've talked about is what I'm afraid of: the whole "ball in his court now" thing. Before, I was the older one, so even if he wanted to do something with me, he probably would have felt awkward asking me to go somewhere. But now, I've made it clear that that's not an issue and that I clearly like him and enjoy his company, so really it's up to him. And that really scares me! (I'm also a bit afraid that he just generally doesn't like doing things with people, and it might not be personal, but either way it sucks.)

Unfortunately, as I said, I don't have a 'B'... since my guy is in a different year. We do have some common friends from all different years in the publication, but really no-one who fits the bill of a 'B'.