I'm trying my best to coupe with all of this . I'm a 48 year old male..With Bipolar & ADHD I lost my Dad going on two years soon..My Dad went in for a simple surgery on his back to help him walk without pain..Well he never got top live the hospital..I was home alone and got the call from the hospital asking me to get up here as soon as possible..So,I had to make the dreaded phone calls to my family..I was up there waiting on my Mom and sisters to arrive..I waited buy the elevator stopping the shacking my head noooo.. Then,I to tell them Dad is gone..God that was so hard..My Mom yelled NOOOOOOOOOOOO my sisters ran away crying.. I did my best to comfort my Mom and my sisters... I will never forget there looks.. Then time went buy we got better dealing with the loss of my Dad..Then my Mom got lung cancer..She lasted 6-months..I was my Mom & Dads caregiver..I help my Mom & Dad in anyway I could..I held my Moms hand as she took her last breath kiss her forehead and told her to tell Dad hi..My family was there as Mom took her last breath..God..I miss them.. I have so much anger in me..So much hate now..I thought,I was doing good dealing with my Mom & Dads passing ... But,I'm not...I'm back to drinking and doing drugs..I'm back to hurting myself and not caring.. My sister told my sister promise Mom she would look over me..But she don't..I don't hear from my family unless I start the conversation..All,I hear is you need anything just call.. Try calling me ... I have never been a person to reach out for help..I have always been the one helping others... I'm back to cutting myself..Hoping the pain will go away..But its always there.. I just want to take pills and end it all.. So freaking tired of hearing that certain people care but there really never there. I thought family was forever.. I belive.Im a big disappointment to all who knows me..Cause of my bipolar & ADHD ..I try to explain my moods to me and they just push me away not even trying to understand ..I'm the family joke..Black sheep.. I just don't understand why I'm this way..
The short answer to your question is that you're this way because you've gone through a lot recently - losing both your parents so close together is going to be traumatic for anyone. Add to that the fact that you were the caregiver for both of your parents, and on top of the emotional trauma, you've got the day-to-day reality of your life being very different now, and having given a lot of energy and time to a process that is no longer part of it. I'd say it's entirely understandable that you're feeling this way - that said, I'm sorry things are so rough. (*hug*) I understand it might be hard to reach out to your sister for help, and against your natural impulses to do so, but if you think you can manage it, it might be a really good idea. If they don't even know that you're suffering, they might have no idea they even need to call you - and if they knew how you felt, they might be on the phone every night, who knows? Keep in mind also, that, if your sisters weren't primary care givers, they also probably don't really know how hard this has all been. At least give them the chance to see that by seeing your reaction to it. And even if they can't be there 24/7 to support you, it might not be a bad idea to see someone professionally, especially if you're thinking about hurting yourself (or are already doing so). Again, you've been through a lot - absolutely nobody will blame you for seeking out a helping hand here and there.
Hi there, and welcome to EC. I'm glad you've found us here. I'd agree that you've gone through a lot recently - and I guess you've had to cope with more than your share of challenges - being gay, bipolar, ADHD. The fact that you've made it this far and coped as well as you have is commendable. But you don't need to do it alone. I would also strongly encourage you to find a counsellor. Someone you can talk to in person about all of this. You've experienced two significant losses recently - and maybe you haven't dealt with them yet completely. I found having a therapist was critical for my recovery and to get me to where I am now. Drinking, doing drugs, and hurting yourself aren't really solutions to any of your problems. They might make you feel better in the short term, but in the longer term they just add to your problems. Working with a therapist will help you develop better, more healthy coping mechanisms. That's what you need to be working on. Spending time here might be good for you. We're 'virtual', but it's better than being totally isolated. Good luck - and again, welcome!
