So here I am joining an online website for the questioning, gay, lesbian (etc) and don't know what i'm doing. For as long as I can remember, I have thought twice about every single detail of my life and why. Here I am this one time letting go and writing my life to the world because as the advice giver of my friends/family i am now the one stuck in a rut. I have been questioning my sexuality since i was a child but like everyone else, it was "just a phase". I always blamed it on the fact that my dad was never around and i was the only male growing up. I was medically forced to quit playing sports and attribute that to why I don't follow them. I have found just about every excuse under the sun to avoid what was really going inside my head. I didn't have time to be the "gay one" so i threw it on the back burner of life and proceeded as "normal". I feel into a depression and have never understood how to deal with it. I was ok with living alone in secret for the rest of my life until recent events happened which forced me to re-evaluate that part of my life that haunts me. No I don't know if I feel liberated or just more confused. I have had relationships and sexual encounters with women before, but this recent experience was off the charts. It was exciting and i feel so close to said person, but feel like I am being avoided and feel more alone than ever. They said they'd help me get through this as they did but as of yet i have gotten no support. I have only told my best friend and a friend in the peace corps (both supportive), but no one who actually understands. The idea of being with a man is new and is still processing, but i don't know how to get past my religious views, or the idea of not giving my mom grandkids and getting married. I feel like a failure and a disappointment, and I havn't really even told anyone yet, hence coming here. Any advice, guidance, support would be much appreciated as I fight the biggest battle of my life.
I think there are a lot of people here who have been in similar positions so we can relate. I was there too several years ago and it sucked. The only advice i have is to be honest with at least a few people. I told a few friends and that was the beginning of me being able to accept it. It will get easier eventually it will, but it may get harder first. You will get past this trust me and that big weight that you feel on your shoulders wont be there anymore.
I told a friend who is in the peace corps overseas, and one of my best friends from home, and I automatically felt better. It's just that everyday when I wake up i hope that i'm someone different ya know? I have this guy on my mind all the time and it is making me crazy, and it doesn't help that the holidays are coming up. I can't lie to save my life, (not that they'll ask). I just wish i knew more people that I could talk to about it, there is just so much going on my head, all the time.
If you really feel like you wish you were someone different that is something in you thats gonna probably take some time. This is kinda all new for you so to think that you'll just automatically accept it is kind of unrealistic. Time is a healer of many things thats one thing i know for sure. As far as the guy goes he may have his own issues going on or maybe hes just not a good guy. I find theres a lot of users and fake people out there. I've got very good at recognizing it and staying away. You will be fine with or without that guy around even if it doesn't feel that way right now.
Hi there. Welcome to EC! When you said this: it wasn't clear if this was an experience with a man or another woman. I'm assuming it was with a man. These feelings that you're experiencing are normal, and it will take time to process them. Coming to terms with your orientation is a process that can take a while. There are SO MANY assumptions that we make growing up expecting that we'll live a "normal" life - i.e. have a heterosexual marriage, have kids, etc. Allow yourself the time to work through it. With respect to your 'responsibility' to produce grandchildren - that's up to you. Don't get too hung up on making other people happy. They are responsible for their own happiness, and you're responsible for your own. And I'm not saying that you can't have children as a gay man - but do it on your own terms. Not because your mom wants you to have them.
I spent my whole life living as I thought others wanted me to live. I was raised a Catholic and I wasn't happy, and I never could be, because it's a sin, right. Wrong! If you are gay you won't be happy living your life as a straight guy. As Jim said....give it time and most importantly don't worry what others think you should be. Any one day there are thousands of kids out there that are looking to be adopted into a loving family. You can have children, you can be happy. Do what's good for you and your well being. Good luck!
I'm fighting the same battle. But what you do makes you the person that you are. When i would get stressed out by my thoughts, i would slip away and by slip away i mean... gave myself space from friends and family and tried to isolate my thoughts and to get myself together. sometimes thats all you need when you don't have anybody... the answer is always yourself. give yourself credit for what you do/did. don't beat yourself up. have some one else do that for you. but in all seriousness, take time to reflect upon yourself. ask, do you really think that your that horrible of a person? i mean what makes you think that you are a disappointment to others? is because of what THEY think of YOU and not how YOU think of YOURSELF. learn to let go of those bad feelings... there not doing anything but weighting you down. i've learned that the more you ignore those who want to see you miserable the more miserable they become. Karma takes care of them. or God. or whatever. As for your friends... don't take it the wrong way if they didnt give you the answers that you wanted to hear or their words didn't help you much. They tried their best. You gotta think. They've never been in that situation, so they may not know what to say. Be strong man! Fight to be the best that you think is YOU.
It's so weird because if you were to ask anyone who knows me i've always been the kind of person that didn't care what people thought. What they didn't know is deep down i really do, especially about this. I'm trying to let things come "naturally" and for the most part they have and when i think i'm ready, i realize i'm nowhere even close. The two people that i have told have been very supportive, but I know I still have to accept it before anyone else does. John, your so right. I thought it would be something easy for me to accept because i've been thinking about it for SO many years, but it really isn't that easy. The part that bothers me (to answer your question Jim1454) is the encounter i had with a man about two weeks ago. Its not the situation that bothers me, its him that i can't get over. I don't know if i think i like him or if its just because he was the person that opened me up to this both mentally and physically. It's sickening how much i think about it, then again it hasn't even been 2 weeks. He's a coworker so it makes it that much harder because i see him 5 days a week. All i want to do is get him off my mind. I've always had many friends, have no problem meeting new people, and have no enemies. I think maybe i fear rejection more than anything from society, but more from him. I've never really experienced rejection before. So yes JimL, i've always lived how i thought i SHOULD and not how i WANT. Average89 your right, i hold everything in and am thus stressed all the time. I never stopped to think about what i thought about myself, i'm easy going, love to have fun and am constantly entertaining others or doing things for others without thinking twice. I have never taken the time for me or to decide whats best for me. There's always a "shoe that drops" and being the supportive person to so many people, it's going to be hard to be the one who needs it from the people i know and love. Why can't this just be easy?
