Reflecting on My 'Coming Out Anniversary'

It was a year ago that I first ever told anyone that, at the very least, I was confused about my sexuality. The difference of where I was then compared to now, mentally, seems almost unbelievable, particularly considering the relatively few active advancements I've made in self-acceptance [such as coming out more and visiting a local LGBT center.]

Then, both before and after opening up to a friend about my issues, I was just struggling with the idea of personal same-sex desires even though I'd explored my 'curiousity' online for a number of years previously. And even when I finally did so, I still thought I couldn't be gay. Trying to cling to the idea of being bisexual, obsessively wondering if I could be happy with a woman, as well as with a man [not at the same time, of course.]

Now, with the many many months that have passed and having come out to a few other people, I would like to think that most of my doubts have dissipated, yet I'm at a point where I think self-acceptance can only be possible by trying to re-engage myself socially. Even though I accept the fact that, more likely than not, I couldn't have a fulfilling relationship with a woman, on the other hand, despite how much I desire and fantasise about it, I worry about not only whether I can meet another guy but also whether I could function in one with a man. From the initial meeting to dates and, god willing, the actual relationship.

My lack of social experience, let alone in the area of romance and whatnot, aside, this last bit feels like practically the last thing stuck in my gears. Honestly, I'm not sure whether I intended this post as a 'celebration of progress' or an airing of grievences, but I suppose what I'm wondering now is if anyone else has felt similarly when coming to terms with their sexuality and/or whether it's in line with the process of acceptance.

 

Mirko: Part of what I worry about is what you said, but also I wonder whether the actual experience of being interested in another guy and/or another being attracted to me will live up to how I imagine it'll feel. To an extent, 'being' gay still seems distant to me as I don't think I've ever been in love with anyone, let alone another man. Just hoping I'm not idealising or romanticising it.

For the time being though, I do need to become more comfortable with having other people know I'm gay, as it still unnerves me to think about at times.

It's interesting that you mention getting to learn or know more about yourself. For awhile now, I've felt sort of empty, as though I don't know myself or lack a sense of personal identity [not just regarding sexuality, but in terms of any current personal relationships, my goals, interests, etc.] However, is there anything in particular you're speaking of when you talk about getting to learn more about yourself whether engaging with others and/or a date?

Trying to work up the motivation to meet new people is one of many things I'm hoping to work on, specifically by seeing a therapist at the moment. I've always been nervous about not being able to find someone to connect with, as well as being judged [on anything] by others.

I'm really sorry to hear about your experiences, but am glad you were able to take something away from all of them. On top of understanding yourself better, I imagine it gives you a better notion of how to interact with someone in those circumstances [when you're getting to know them (better) for the first time.] Hope you'll be able to find someone in the near future.

 

Queen Bee: Oh, I know there's no rush, didn't mean to come off as stressed or whatever. Just my tendency to ramble and self-analyze. :lol:

Going to a gay bar would be outside my comfort zone as well, mainly based on what I've heard from others on here. So if I were to go to one, I may wait until I'm able to do so with others. However, I'm definitely trying to go to the LGBT meetings more, and I'm also curious to see whether there are any 'specialized' groups, clubs, etc. for gay or LGBT people that could tie more directly into my interests.

That's pretty much how I feel, though it seems more complicated to me. For a good part of my life up to now, I never questioned that I was attracted to and would, eventually, be with a woman. Yet, I don't think I showed any particular interest in them and as I got older I would feel slightly more uncomfortable being around girls than guys [but I'm generally an awkward person, so maybe that doesn't say much.]

But I don't recall ever showing interest in guys during that time, and for that matter I've never had a crush on one, whereas I actually had a slight crush on a girl in high school... I only ever questioned myself after exploring my, erm, 'curiosity' online, but still didn't consider being gay because I looked at both men and women [though I've basically come to terms with that by now.]

I've seen people on here say that your sexuality is set in place sometime during the first few years of childhood, and if that is the case, what I hate is that I've been completely unaware of mine for most of my life. That if I'd been more social, maybe I would've known sooner. Or how my mind has teased me about being with a woman, since I can acknowledge their attractiveness and probably could perform with one, yet I feel something would be missing.

If you don't mind my asking, how long did it take for you to come to terms with your sexuality at first, once you became aware of it? Considering that, as you said, you felt you were blind for most of your life.

I'm sorry I ended up babbling rather than responding to your input. Going off your last bit though, it's not bad advice, however I don't know anyone like that at the moment. Especially since I'm not in school, currently.

Colours: Yeah, I mean since I don't have experience with either sex, they both, in a way, seem 'alien' to me. So it's like I have to go with my gut. It probably will really become more clear once I've actually fallen for another guy, whether or not he reciprocates those feelings.

 

Yes, while it's not something I so much consciously think about, I think deep down I'm still uncomfortable with it, even if I'm not fighting myself to accept it, or at least as strongly, as I had previously. Since there aren't many people significantly in my life at the moment, I'm not out to very many, so there's no one to talk to whether just to vent or from whom I may get help in meeting others and so on.

As of now, when thinking about the potential of meeting a man and having a sense of mutual attraction, it's a strange mix of pleasure and anxiety that I feel. So hopefully what you say is true, that if I'm able to be out to more people in the immediate future, it will build up my confidence and I'll be able to work towards a relationship more effectively.

When you speak of personal identities not being static, I assume you mean in an 'evolving' sense, that the foundation for one's future identity lies within them, rather than some sort of radical change? As far as goals, that is something I would like to work on, because currently I lack the drive to accomplish anything that is important to me.


"A part of what you have mentioned touches on the idea of: "am I going to be good enough - just the way I am, with all my quirks, and imperfections?" Related to that: 'am I worthy?'" It's funny, I think I've realised this to some extent, but I thought about it in slightly different terms. Thinking more, 'Am I capable of giving or receiving love' rather than worthiness, though I suppose it's basically the same thing. Perhaps it has to deal with my sexuality to an extent, but I think it also ties in with issues I feel I have in connecting with others. As though I've been a robot for much of my life.

Even though I've only had one session so far, I believe therapy will be very helpful in the long-run, though I'm not entirely sure what to expect from it as of now.

Yes, your and everyone else's comments have been helpful so far. I'm always grateful for outiside opinions on my non-stop reflections.

 

While I never wondered if I was asexual, actually it was awhile before I ever learned of that, looking back it almost seems like I was. Sometimes I think I may be demisexual, because general awkwardness aside, it's weird trying to even think of specific guys sexually. But since I've been coming to terms with the fact I'm attracted to men, regardless of how that realisation came about, I have been noticing them more. Even to the point of nervousness, occasionally. :lol:

From the way you described your female crush, I imagine that the ones you have or have had on men feel very different? When I think about that girl from high school, it doesn't seem like a serious one to me, since it was more that I really enjoyed her company and talking with her than anything else.

As far as guys are concerned and though I'm like 90% certain I'm gay at this point, and your puzzle analogy seems right on the money here, and though I'm unsure whether it that counts getting 'those' kind of feelings just thinking about being with someone of the same-sex, or from watching films and seeing images of such couples, or not but I think I'm still waiting for that "epiphany moment" like you had for yourself.

To be honest, your hints, at least about liking the female characters, seem more obvious than any I may have had. That must've helped a great deal when you became aware of your sexuality though, as long as it took in coming to terms with it and I'm glad to see that you did. Hopefully I'll be able to get at that point eventually.

Hoping the therapist will help with my lingering doubts, though I'm still nervous about talking about it, as well as other personal concerns. Very glad that you ended up with a gay-friendly therapist, and saved your eyebrows , considering your mother's and sister's feelings.

Thank you very much for your replies, as well as the links which I want to check out, it's good to hear from someone who's been in a similar situation.

 

Yeah, I would consider myself somewhere around Kinsey 5 and for a time I did consider myself bisexual. But as I opened up to the idea of same-sex dating and a relationship, I became far more emotionally invested in wanting to make that a reality than I ever had in thinking of being with a woman. In that regard, I think, personality aside, I'm more attracted to women physically rather than sexually.

So while I can appreciate women and cannot rule out the possibility either, I don't identify as bisexual since it's not what I want and I'm fairly certain, despite 0 experience with either sex, it wouldn't be the same regardless of how I felt about said hypothetical woman.

Suppose you're right, the last couple years has definitely felt like a gradual realisation. Just that, if it was going to be so, I just wish I was one of those who knew at six or seven or whatever they liked other boys and just didn't know what to call it yet.

Yes, that's what I meant, that they would've been helpful upon reflection, if not in the actual real-time experiencing of them.

As far as those experiences with the two other girls, I think it makes sense that they may not bring about your questioning if you weren't attracted to them. It has worried me that I never felt an attraction to another guy all throughout school and my two years of college, but as someone else told me, that could just be due to the fact I didn't really socialise with anyone who would've appealled to me in that way. And the one person that did, 'unfortunately,' was female. :lol: