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Am I in a relationship?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by termicus, Nov 1, 2012.

  1. termicus

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    Over the past year I’ve gone through the process of figuring out my sexuality and have pretty much come to the conclusion that I’m either gay or bi. I’ve read a lot of stuff here on EC, but this is my first post, so I apologize if it’s off-point! I don't want this to sound like another "i like him, does he like me, we're both in the closet" type thing. I don't think it is, cause I have so many signs, and our friendship (relationship?) speaks quite loudly. Any advise is great!

    I’m in college right now, and there’s this guy I met about a year and a half ago. We met through a club/organization type thing, and we hit it off really well. We had the same sense of humor and quickly became good friends. When I met him I wondered if he was gay, but he hooked up with girls and someone once described him as “a gay best friend, except he’s not gay”. We met towards the end of the school year and established a really strong friendship; there’s very few people I’ve liked so much within quickly meeting them. I asked him if he wanted to be roommates the following year, and he agreed. Neither of us is out of the closet, we both publicly claim to be straight, and we’ve never discussed our sexuality with each other.

    That summer, we were both travelling and didn’t stay in much contact, but when the school year started again, our friendship picked up right where we left off and blossomed more. We both wanted a double, but we got stuck with some other weird roommates, and we bonded over their weirdness. During the semester, we began to do lots of things together, and friends in our organization started poking fun at us for “being gay”. At first, it was a funny joke, but then gradually, I began having feelings for him.

    As it stands, we are extremely close friends and roommates. We live in a two bedroom apartment; we share a room and a third guy has the other room. My question is, based on the factors below, can I confidently assume he’s gay? Does it seem he’s into me or that we’re in a relationship? What should I do?


    • We text all the time. Quite a lot, almost every day. About the things we’re doing, how classes/tests went, etc. Stories, who we ran into, etc.
    • He’s kinda feminine. He also has a mild gay lisp (though I notice it more when its just us two). He shaves his chest (and a few times his arms). He says things, usually only to me, like "like, WHAT?!".
    • We live together and share essentially everything. Toiletries, food, etc. “What’s mine is yours” and vice versa. He said it first. Neither of us bickers about cost and buying shit; by contrast, we keep everything separate from our third roommate. No sharing there…
    • We do nearly everything together. We eat over 80% of our meals together, we often shop together, we walk and drive places together, we go out to parties together. Almost to the point where its unhealthy! And we both initiate it, it goes both ways.
    • We’ve briefly discussed gay marriage and gay rights, and he seems pretty supportive of it.
    • When he talks to me, he gives me really strong eye contact. We’ll be looking at each other and our eyes remain locked for a little longer than they’d be with anyone else.
    • He often refers to us as “we”. As in, “what are we going to do”, “is this ours”, etc. This happens even when something isn’t about us, it could easily be just one of ours.
    • Lately, we’ve been going to a bunch of nice restaurants for lunch and dinner, just us two. Others never really tag along. When at a square table, we sit perpendicular to each other (not across).
    • When we’re out together, be it for food, snacks, etc., we pay for everything together. We don’t split meals, we buy drinks together. I pay more often than he does, but admittedly, I have more disposable income than he does, and he pays for us when he can. It’s just understood that we pay for each other. Kinda seems like dating to me.
    • We do our laundry together. Put it in the same bin, wash/dry it together, and fold it together. We fold eachothers stuff too. Also, in our closet, our clothes are intermixed.
    • I know for a fact that he regularly looks at gay porn. It’s complicated how I know, and its not cause I’ve been actively looking. Its basically just an accumulation of information that confidently shows a pattern of regular gay porn.
    • He’s introduced me to nearly all of his friends, including those who don’t live near by. This means him going to visit them and brining me along. I literally know all of his closest friends, who are spread across the country. And when we’re talking in a group, with these friends or anyone really, he often gives me the majority of the eye contact. Someone will say something and we’ll both look at eachother and laugh.
    • Prior to our friendship, he hooked up with girls regularly. Now, he doesn’t really at all.
    • There are a few instances where we’ll touch and physical contact will be held for a little longer than normal. This used to happen more often, but still does every now and then.
    • We’ve gone on several multi-day trips together, just us, to explore parts of the country. We always share a bed, but never do anything. Once, on one of these, he mentioned how someone he knows is gay, and then sorta out of the blue, he said “My dad would be so disappointed if I told him”, which clearly means hes thought of it, and indirectly hints at him being gay. He’s never said anything formal though.
    • We often drink and get drunk together, just for fun, just us. Same with smoking. It’s kinda unusual cause that’s not what guys do.
    • We’ve loosely planned around going to the same region for grad school, which, ironically, is a state in which gay marriage is legal. We also talk about the future together.
    • We were apart this past summer for 10 weeks. The first day back, we were literally inseperable. We just kept talking about our summers, our pasts, any anything that came to mind. He casually mentioned how he supports gay marriage. We also started drinking together. We stayed up to nearly 5am doing this (and unpacking a little bit). We were sitting together on his bed, touching quite a lot. He started dozing off, and then I asked him if he wanted a blanket. We got one, and ended up spooning (I was big, he was little) for a few hours. I was going in and out of sleep, I think he was too? We did not move for like 3 hours, my arm was over his body holding his hand with our fingers interlocked. At one point he took my hand and moved it close to his heart. This only happened once, but it was honestly the greatest feeling of my life.
    • Other than that, we’ll share a blanket together when watching movies (at my suggestion), and twice I’ve rested my head on his shoulder without rejection. Aside from occasional prolonged touches, there’s no other physical stuff. That being said, he’s not one to initiate anything. With girls or with guys. He hates confrontation and isn’t the type of guy to ever make the first move for feel of rejection.


    Now, there’s several things other things to take into account.
    • He tells all of his friends about this girl he “likes” but lives far away. He could easily be in a relationship with her, but always has excuses. I personally think it’s a front (but maybe I’m hoping). He tells all of his friends about it, exaggerates, etc, but he never tells me. Once, and only once, he was talking about how he had feelings for her, but he was also sorta drunk.
    • He makes up sex stories and tells them to others (but never to me, I only know through the grapevine, and they’re ALWAYS completely false).
    • There have been many occasions where I’ll make physical contact with him (legs touching, arms touching, etc.) and he’ll move away. Maybe he’s just unsure cause we’re both “straight”?
    • Sometimes, after we’ve spent more than a week essentially being perfectly in sync, he’ll get a TINY bit distant, but not noticeably. On these occasions, maybe only three, he’s mentioned to one friend that I was being controlling (I wasn’t really), he needed space, etc. He was talking as if he was a girl and was their boyfriend. And it was almost like he was just showcasing our relationship. Admittedly, I’ve done that to one person, too. And his frustration was justified because, I was rude to him that same night cause I was getting a bit over protective. He went home that weekend and then everything was fine after.
    • There was a recent occasion when two hot girls were all over both of us. Neither of us were particularly responsive; just laughing at their drunkenness. One of them asked “are you guys gay” and we both said no at the same time. Later that night he was just talking about how he wasn't in the mood, even though neither of us had anything to do the next day. This happens regularly; there has only been one instance when I've seen him hooking up with a girl, and this was before we got to the way we are now. This was like 3 months after we met, maybe before we both had a spark of attraction.


    Clearly, I’m obsessed with this. Our emotional connection seems more than just good friends, right? More like we’re in a relationship? I’d love to get physical with him, but I’m too scared to hurt the friendship. So, my question is: is this a really good friendship, or is it more like a (currently sexless) relationship? Do you think he likes me? What should I do to make a move?
     
  2. Redell

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    It sounds like he likes you and it sounds like he's at least bisexual. I have at least one relationship like this, and if the other person in that friendship told me that they liked me (and I didn't feel the same way) then I definitely wouldn't stop being friends with them, I'd really respect them for telling me, I don't think it would hurt the friendship in the long run.

    If he's not ready to come out then you saying you like him could make him really uncomfortable. It's also difficult because you both live together and if he gets freaked out it sounds like there's a lot at stake.

    I'd say to do what you feel you should.
    Are you going to regret not telling him how you feel and never knowing what could have happened? I can't help you with making a move, I'm too straightforward for flirting.

    It's your life and your decision! If you want to make a move, make a move. You can't ever beat yourself up for trying.

    P.S. I am super jealous.
     
  3. MichaelB

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    It does sound abit.. relationshipie.

    I would approach the situation with caution though. It seems like if you tell him and he takes it badly, your life would blow up. Maybe baby steps? Instead of saying you have feelings for him, come out to him. Say you're struggling with your identity and go from there. :slight_smile:
     
  4. BudderMC

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    You already said it yourself, but you're obsessing over this.

    Let me put it this way though: you are not in a relationship unless it's consensual and verbalized. You can't really go under the premise of you both just "assume" you're in a relationship. That's the kind of stuff that happens in movies. In real life, if you "assume" you're in a relationship and decide you're going to progress something further, that's when things are likely to go poorly.

    Furthermore, it's probably quite difficult to enter a relationship if neither of you can be certain that the other is into guys. That is singlehandedly your biggest roadblock, because once you clear the air on who's actually interested in who, then you can start communicating and see where you guys stand on a relationship level. A relationship without communication is as good as dead, guaranteed.

    So, what can you do? You already know that he's supportive of gay rights and whatnot, so consider coming out to him. It lets him know that you're on the market (if he happens to be interested) and also gives him an opportunity to come out to you if he is into guys and is comfortable. And if he doesn't, then until he does you need to assume he's straight. If he's closeted, there's nothing you can do to push him to a point where he'll be comfortable enough to tell people; just continue to be supportive and he'll get comfortable enough eventually.

    I will say though, as a disclaimer, just because a guy is really touchy-feely doesn't automatically mean he's secretly into guys and likes you. Yes, I'd agree that there's probably some degree of bisexuality there at least (in this case), but assuming such a thing will just make things messy. I have a few guy friends who are very straight, very supportive of gay rights, share my things (we're housemates), spend tons of time together, and would probably spoon with me as well if they were drunk enough. It's not very likely, but it's not unheard of. Point is, it's safer in nearly every regard to assume he's straight and go from there. And if you want to find out for sure, then you need to give a little too, rather than just snooping and "gathering evidence". Communicate with the guy.
     
  5. Gravity

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    I pretty much agree with Budder on this one, but just to put things in a different way; from what you've described, it sounds like *you're* in a relationship with *him*...but he may not be in a relationship with you. In other words, you're emotionally investing in him, but without any certainty as to what's actually happening or what you might get out of it.

    I don't know that I'd go so far as to assume he's straight - I've never had any straight friends that needed to cuddle with me after being away for a couple months. :slight_smile: But without any kind of confirmation, it would be problematic at the very least to assume he's interested in you and also wants a relationship.

    So, again, I say come out to him. It might be a little awkward at this point given how physically close you've already been on occasion, but still, it's a conversation worth having.
     
  6. awesomeyodais

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    All of the above. But the part where he says he knows someone who's gay, ever thought he might have been referring to you? I'd say find the right moment, bring up that convo again and tell him that he knows at least one gay person and that's you, or something like that. And if he was really trying to come out to you at that time, it's a good opportunity for him to explain he was referring to himself. But don't be surprised if he doesn't come out at the same time, or at all.