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My Crazy Story

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Illumina, Nov 1, 2012.

  1. Illumina

    Regular Member

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    Hi all,
    Sorry I didn't bother with a formal introduction, but it's very late and I've just signed up for this community, and I'm still eager to find out what it may hold. I guess I'm doing some personal exploration and seeing if I can get any insight from others who might be going through similar experiences as me.

    So, just to paint the picture a little, I'm an Australian student who's in his final year in high school. Before I talk about now however, I want to go back a bit. I always new that there was something different about me from a younger age, but I could never put my finger on what it was. When other guys had girlfriends and stuff, I just never liked any of the girls at school. I went out with my best friend once, who was a girl, for a short while, but we broke it off and went back to being friends, which we still are today... I never really liked her in that way.

    Of course at that stage I just thought I was too young to feel any attraction to anyone, and I certainly wasn't attracted to the same gender. I just wasn't attracted to anyone at all. This started to change as the years went on. As I went into my final years of Primary school, I started to develop more of an attraction to people. I don't know if this was partly due to puberty or because I was such a nerd and into my schoolwork that I didn't have time to think about things like relationships. The odd thing was though, the people I were getting attracted too were guys. Nothing major, but just little things, that got me thinking.

    When I started high school however, there was this one guy in my class who caught my eye straight away. I won't go on about him now, but he certainly comes back into it. In my first and second years of high school, sexual attraction wasn't a major thing for me. I'd only had one other girlfriend since breaking up with my friend, and I only went out with her because I was afraid of looking like a jerk if I said no. I had been attracted to a couple of other girls, but I never did anything about it.

    Then last year I really started to begin feeling it. The attraction to the same sex. I began looking at guys in my year level differently, thinking about them differently. I didn't necessarily want to feel it, but it just kind of happened. Any attraction to any girls was replaced with more feelings and thoughts towards guys. Nothing serious that I would act upon, just wondering what they'd look like naked, or how big they were, or how good they'd be in bed, just standard stuff like that. I wasn't emotionally attracted to guys at all. I even felt this way about my male teachers. But then there was my crush from the start of high school. Even though we'd barely spoken a word since that first year, there was still something about him.

    And now here I am. My attraction to men is at an all time high. There is barely a guy at my school, including teachers, that I haven't thought about in some kind of sexual way at least once, but I know I'd never act upon it. Some I'm more attracted to then others, but some I've just thought about once, then quickly realised how much of an idiot I was being.

    One thing that you should know about me is that my thoughts are not at all a portrayal of what I act like at school. I'm quite a nerd, very good in all my classes, have a small group of friends (all girls, apart from one guy) and not a lot of people really know me for who I am. Obviously I haven't told anyone about my thoughts or attractions.

    But this brings me back to this guy. I've been crushing on him for 4 years now, and the annoying thing is I think he might be straight. But there is just something about him which leads me to think otherwise. I don't know if it's just wishful thinking - me seeing what I want to see - but I don't know, there's just this vibe.

    The hardest thing is, I don't know him terribly well. He's not a close friend, and I don't have any classes with him at all. He's very into his sport, and works out a lot and I've recently learned that he's into protein shakes and supplements and all that other muscle enhancement stuff. He's crazy fast, like the fastest guy in school. But he's super nice, co-president of the Student Representative Council, and really popular, both with the guys and the girls. He seems to take great pride in his appearance, and I catch him adjusting his hair from time to time.

    I don't know if he's had a girlfriend at all (I'm not that close with him) but he's so attractive that it would seem odd if he hasn't, but I can't recall any mention of one, and usually word gets around about relationships. He does karate too, and is pretty good at it. He has Instagram and Facebook, but doesn't go on a whole lot. He needs glasses, but never wears them. He doesn't have a particularly gay sounding voice, but his voice is different... and I kind of like it. He has a great laugh too.

    He walks home from school the same way that I do, and I've recently started trying to follow his patterns and observe what he does. Often I try to get out of school earlier than him so I am ahead, so it doesn't seem as if I could possibly be following him. Sneaky, right? I've attempted to make conversation twice now and both times went smoothly. He stopped walking, and asked questions back, so if he didn't care about what I had to say at all, he might have just answered me and kept walking, or ignored me all together. Or maybe he was just being nice.

    The problem then comes back to me. I'm a little socially awkward so I find it hard to even start a conversation with him, let alone try to get to know him well enough to assess his sexuality. Heck, I'm not even sure about my own sexuality. I'm certainly not grossed out by women, and I wouldn't mind getting with a girl if I was attracted to her, so I think I might be Bi. It just doesn't help that the first person that I've really fallen for is a guy. I know that there are 2 girls at my school who like me, which is hard, because I dont like them, but I feel I should, when I like this guy instead.

    So there's my story. What do you think I should do? Where should I start? Should I tell my friends how I feel about guys, should I try to get to know my crush a little better first and pursue him at every chance I get, or should I just keep doing what I'm doing (hiding my feelings for now and casually taking it one step at a time).

    Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks a million.
     
  2. Maxi

    Regular Member

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    hey.....

    Iam Maxi .... I am Streght/bio or a lesbian I dont know.......I told my boyfrend today and he is suportive very suportive.....he is giving me time to find myself

    I think you know what to do....Get to learn this guy he might just surprice you....

    And dont be so scard, I was and it got me know were.....

    Just be honest( not standing at the top of the scool and yelling iam bio) but start with you frends and that guy...

    Best of luck

    Maxi:grin:
     
  3. I suspect that a lot of what you see is wishful thinking, something that we all do. If you're comfortable enough, come out to a few friends and gain the confidence to tell your crush. Just do it slowly if you don't think you're ready.
     
  4. BudderMC

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    Hey there, welcome to EC! No worries about not posting an intro, it's not like it's mandatory or anything... I'm pretty sure I didn't do one for like a year after I joined, heh.

    Anyways, let me start by saying I've been where you are and know how it feels, and agree wholeheartedly when you say that it's frustrating.

    The thing is, everything you're describing about him in your post when you're trying to evaluate his sexuality is all based off of stereotypes. And as most people know, we don't all fit the stereotypes. From what I gather you don't sound like you fit all the stereotypes, and I certainly don't fit most of the stereotypes either. I'm pointing this out for two reasons:

    1) To identify that judging people on stereotypes is a difficult (and often ineffective) way to gather one's sexuality
    2) Just because he doesn't fit the stereotypes, it doesn't mean he isn't into guys

    Let me paint a little picture. Let's say you were to go to school tomorrow and ask him out. Probably wouldn't go so well, right? That's because he doesn't know you're into guys (shocker #1) and you can't be sure that he is (shocker #2) and that he had no idea you were into him (shocker #3). Now, that seems to me like that's a lot of bombs to be dropping at one time, and certainly grounds to make things awkward. So let's break it down a bit.

    What's a good first step? Well, coming out is probably the most straightforward goal to go after. Coming out doesn't necessarily mean that you need to have it all figured out or give yourself a label... it just means talking to people you trust about what you're feeling. You can come out by simply saying "I think I'm into guys". Doesn't have to be more specific than that.

    If you think your friends would be supportive and/or trustworthy, then I'd definitely think it's worth considering coming out to them. If you're unsure, then maybe it is best to wait, especially if you're going off to school in the fall where things are typically more accepting. By finding people you can tell who will be accepting, you gather a support network for yourself should something go wrong.

    And then, after that's established, I might consider pursuing this guy (though I'm personally probably too chicken to go after it). In doing that, again, to minimize the shock take things one step at a time. Start by befriending him and eventually coming out to him. In doing so, you let him know that you're into guys and on the market (if he's interested), and also set up the precedent that you'll be accepting if he is into guys and feels comfortable telling you. And if you don't get any evident indication that he's into guys from that, it's probably a safe assumption to say he's straight and move on.

    Hopefully that helped some. :slight_smile: