right now i am at a christian college. they are extremely conservative and i cant stand it here. i want anything to be at a more accepting college where there are more people like me, but i have my 2 best friends here. one who ive told everything to and is always there for me. he would do anything to help me and i would really miss him if i left. but as long as im here, i cant wear guys clothes or even try to pass as a guy. i need to get a binder but im afraid what they would say if any one saw it. im getting severe anxiety now. i have chest and neck pain that wont go away. i applied to a college in chicago and if i get in, i told myself that i am going, but my other best friend is telling me not to. she would be all alone here if i left and that makes me feel bad; but on the other hand, i have to do this. another reason that i am so stressed is that my grandma wont accept me and i cant bring myself to talk to her. she has looked up exodus international online and that really scares me. they claim to be able to "pray the gay away". she calls me a girl and feminine all the time, and also says that we dont know what god has in store for us. that he works in mysterious ways. i dont want to hear any of that religious stuff from her because i know what she is thinking. she also implies that i might someday magically fall in love with my best friend because i am so close to him. we are extremely close but that doesnt mean i love him. she just cant understand that. she says someday it might click. i just sit there and never say a thing. i dont know what to do. please, any advise you can give me is appreciated
In the end it's always about compromises... How far is your current school from Chicago (i.e. could you visit your friends/they visit you every few weeks or meet halfway or something like that, keep in touch via skype/facetime etc) ? Anything that's causing enough stress to impact your health is not good short term or long, and in this case it's not like you absolutely have to attend this conservative college, right? As for the grandmother, I don't know what the general family dynamics are, is she someone you would see regularly or 3-4 times a year, like does she live with your parents? Any PFLAG resources that might help educate her? Sometimes it's difficult with the older generations although some are more receptive to change than you'd think. As far as school goes, I presume there's no useful counseling available there to help you deal with the situation, any other sources (via your family doctor maybe?) ... Can you transfer for the next semester (in January?) or do they only admit new students in Sept., cause I'm thinking you may want to finish this semester and take a break/part-time job after Xmas if it's that bad... Again not sure what the family dynamics are etc...
It sounds like you're in the wrong place - subjecting yourself to the message that there's something wrong with you as a result of where you go to school. As you know, there ARE much more accepting places than where you presently are - and it would be good to get to one of those places as soon as possible. I'm assuming you made your best friends after starting at that school. I'd imagine that you'd be able to meet new best friends at your next school. With respect to your grandmother, it's likely a matter of either ignoring her or setting some boundaries with her. Tell her that you are who you are, and you're not able to change. If she can't be supportive and accepting then she shouldn't say anything - and if she does, make it clear that you'll be leaving the room or hanging up the phone. And then do that when she brings it up the next time. She'll either learn or you'll stop talking to her - either way you will no longer be hounded by her about this. Good luck.
