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Dating dilemma

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Ruby Dragon, Nov 1, 2012.

  1. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

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    Location:
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    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I've been chatting on a social network and there's this girl that caught my attention (and apparently I caught hers too). Anyway, we've been chatting for about two weeks, maybe longer and I shared so much with her, I just feel there should be no secrets right from the start. We would've met up on Tuesday (27/10) night but she phoned me and asked to postpone to Wednesday (28/10). I was cool with that. So come Wednesday evening, she again chickened out and asked if maybe we could give it some more time before we meet. I basically cried myself to sleep because I felt rejected and like a failure. This is the second girl to chicken out of meeting me. Am I too honest? Am I not everything they want? What's the matter with me? Because clearly I'm doing something wrong. And it's really painful for me. I missed work yesterday because I felt depressed.

    If I can't even find a date, how the hell am I going to get a girlfriend? It's killing me inside and I just can't handle the rejection. I'm willing to wait a little while until either of them want to meet me but I'm not going to wait forever. The last girl said she's developing feelings for me and it's kinda weird for her. Maybe that's why she chickened out?

    I don't know. I'm just a complete mess right now and I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I feel it's more than pure coincidence that I just can't get a date. I don't really go out much so meeting a girl that way isn't going to happen. And after the last disaster of them literally walking away while I'm trying to chat them up kinda scared me and took a huge blow to my already non-existent self esteem. I feel like such a loser :tears:
     
  2. Gravity

    Full Member

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    It doesn't necessarily mean you're doing anything wrong - dating is always hard, and online dating especially so. It's not uncommon for people to get into online dating without actually wanting to be in a relationship - it's just sort of a "no strings attached" way to meet people, but not really, so they don't have to commit to anything. And it's not because they're being mean, they just aren't ready for something like that.

    However, you do mention something about your "already non-existent self esteem." Something worth asking yourself might be, do you actually believe you are ready for and deserve a girlfriend? If the answer is no, it might be a sign that you need to start appreciating yourself before you start looking for someone else. What makes you feel poorly about yourself?
     
  3. Hazel

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    I think there's the possibility that they're doing what they are due to insecurities. Maybe they're not out and still struggling with their orientation. Maybe they have some general issues with anxiety or relationships. It's worth looking into and seeing if you can get them to open up about the subject, because for every one who's just wasting your time there might be one who's struggling to work up enough courage.

    That said, online dating is something that pretty much everyone across the spectrum of gender and orientation has their complaints about. Even if it's not a chat and not an official website, people are flaky, people might not see it as seriously as someone else, and people can be dishonest. I don't think it's a "you" thing, just the nature of the beast.

    Dating sucks sometimes. I'm sorry and I wish I had something to say that would make rejection or cancellation hurt less and the reasons be more obvious, but it's a necessary evil when trying to meet someone.
     
  4. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

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    Location:
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    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I just don't like the way my body looks. I find a lot of fault with it. I love my eyes though. And get a lot of compliments about them. I've been bullied in school and that just added to my insecurities about myself. Life is cruel. I'm slightly overweight but working on shedding the extra weight. But it's taking forever and in the meantime I can't stand looking at myself in the mirror...

    ---------- Post added 1st Nov 2012 at 10:14 PM ----------

    The first girl isn't out yet, so that explains that. But both of them have had previous relationships so I should actually be the one with the insecurities and feelings of inadequacy... Whatever their reasons, I just wish it wasn't so darn complicated. But I suppose it'll get better eventually. Everyone has to start somewhere...
     
  5. Gravity

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    If you have a lot of negative images about yourself, that alone could definitely make it harder to date people. The common perception - whether we realize it or not - is that we're being judged when we're on a date, or even when we're talking online. Sometimes that's really not what's happening though - not everybody on dating sites is perfectly well-adjusted and ready to date. Many people go on there only to realize they're not comfortable meeting anyone, and decide they need to not be dating at the moment. But without all the information, it's easy to get the "I'm the problem" feeling.

    It's good that you're being proactive about losing weight (provided, of course, that you're doing so in a healthy way). It does take time, but the longer it takes, the more permanent and good for you it's likely to be - so keep reminding yourself that you're doing it right and it will be worth it in the long run. :slight_smile:

    Try to also get used to the idea, though, that some people might be attracted to you the way you look already - and might be attracted to any version of you. Just because we don't look like the kind of people we think are attractive, doesn't mean others won't find us attractive. Everybody - and I do mean everybody - is somebody's type!