I have been aware of my fear of abandonment for some time but it is only in the last week that I have come to realise just how deep it cuts. I am coming to terms with the likely truth that I was initially unwanted and that my mother did not bond with me. When I was conceived she was unmarried and my birth was difficult. There is more, and with the help of my therapist, we have pieced together an amount of circumstantial evidence that points towards abandonment. The question is, what do I do with this information? I really want to be able to manage this fear of being rejected. It has had such an enormous impact on my life and is, I believe, I big reason why it has taken me so long to have the courage to accept myself and to come out as gay. Also, I do a really good job of disguising my low self-esteem/fear of abandonment, and on the surface project a pretty successful and together persona. But sometimes, I really am crippled inside. Is anyone else working on similar issues? I'm working really hard to listen to myself, and to air my many suppressed feelings. I'd really like to hear from people who can relate. Best Rose
Hi Rose. I can't relate perfectly, but I did do some "trauma" work in my addiction recovery therapy. We reviewed different things that had happened in my life that perhaps left me without support or feeling vulerable or hurt. These were the 'traumas' for which I developed some unhealthy coping mechanisms - and that caused me to react in certain ways. The problem is that we continue to react to things in the same way as an adult, even though the problem presenting itself now isn't really as big a deal. They also had me review the things in my life that are really good, and that I'm thankful for - which helps show that it isn't all bad all the time. It was an interesting exercise. I how low self confidence and a fear of failure that is often quite debilitating. I beat myself up all the time. And yet I've managed to build a fairly successful career. So sometimes I just have to tell myself that I can't be that bad - and maybe the 'me' that I present to others and at work really is the real 'me' and that the 'me' that I worry about and think isn't very good isn't actually real at all. It's just the 'me' that's in my head. It's complicated, and I'm not sure if we ever really work through everything. But it's very interesting to do this kind of self reflection - most people wander through life never having the need or opportunity to do it.
I also have abandonment issues and I wish I knew the answer but I don't. I also have trust issues which means I don't trust anyone but I don't want them to leave me either which is a horrible combination.
Thanks Jim for your response, I appreciate it. The fear of failure I understand very well. In my eyes, with failure may come rejection so it simply is not possible. Many times that has been the catalyst for me to over achieve, or overwork, to be absolutely sure of not failing. Another classic behaviour is people-pleasing. If I do what I think people want me to do, or say what I think they want to hear, then I won't be rejected. Now it all seems so obvious I cannot believe I have survived for all these years with such unhealthy coping mechanisms. Self-reflection is indeed very interesting and the awareness I already have gives me a new lens in which to view my own actions and the world in general. I am beginning to understand that the confident persona I mostly project and that has enabled me to be successful masks my vulnerability and defends the part of me that is afraid of being left alone. It sure is complicated but my hope is that I can implement and practise healthier ways to manage my feelings of insecurities, with help from my support network. Yeah to recovery!
I too have an intense fear of abandonment and I finally realized recently how bad it is and me being head over heels in love with my friend has made it worse. I am 40 and she is 63 and always identified as straight in her life but stopped dating men quite a few years ago and wants nothing to do with them. I gave her a dozen roses last summer and told her I loved her and she didn't believe me. We have had a lot of issues with this in our friendship until recently. She has feelings for me-she acts not at all straight with me and I have committed myself to waiting her out until she is ready. Things have gotten intense with us over the last couple of months.She used to get close to me all the time and then get overwhelmed and run/push me away. The abandonment issues were from my dad as a kid and I just wasn't aware of how it was affecting me until I fell in love with her. Now she has made a 360 degree turn with me and I don't think she's going anywhere. I'm just having a hard time reconciling her behavior with her past behavior so I'm having a hard time trusting her. We are getting emotionally and physically close and getting to know each other on a much deeper level. We hug a lot and she finds all kinds of ways to touch me all the time. We have cuddled on the couch watching football and movies. She sits so close to me that she's practically on top of me. We kiss on the cheek quite frequently now. I've been thinking that she is ready to come out soon. She spent the weekend with her mother last weekend and I have a strong feeling she may have come out to her. She said that it was an emotional weekend and that she "let a lot of things out to her mom that she had been hiding and needed to come out". I asked her if it was something we needed to talk about and she said not now but maybe later. I had to just put the ball in her court and be patient with her and take baby steps so she'll be comfortable. She told me this weekend that she was ready to cut all her hair of short. It shocked me because she is super femme and into being all girly. The thing is, cutting my hair all off short was the FIRST thing I did when I came out. I can totally relate to what you're feeling because everytime she gets overwhelmed or scared about where we're heading, I get terrified that she's going to run away from me again and I have panic attacks from it. I'm finally getting to the point of trusting her better, but I still have those fears and I cry a lot.
