Hey everyone. I'm super new at this, so bear with me. I came out to my mother two weeks ago over email (I was too scared to say it to her face. Don't know why.) Since I'm away at college, I have not spoken to her since, as she has refused to talk with me over the phone. My Dad has kept me informed re: her reaction, which has shifted from initial "she can do what she wants" to "why is she focusing on sex?" to "I want nothing to do with her" to "she just hasn't met nice guys" to "she has no experience, so she cannot possibly know that she likes girls." She has also accused me of being corrupted by 'internet research' and Lady Gaga. I don't think I have to point out the obvious problems here. My parents saw a counselor a week ago but I still don't know what happened at that meeting. Currently, I am trying to figure out how to respond to her argument that I have used the internet to incorrectly 'self-diagnose' myself as gay.:dry: Should I go along with her apparent desire for me to meet with a psychologist/therapist so a 'health professional can assess me' and confirm that I am, in fact, a lesbian? This request sounds completely insane to me - what does she expect the therapist to do, ask me to list my crushes and graphically describe what I think about when I masturbate? I'm frustrated, I'm sad that we haven't spoken for over two weeks, I regret coming out over email, I don't want this to ruin the holidays, I don't want her to take years to accept me, and I cannot figure out how to help her understand that this is NOT A CHOICE and I have not been 'convinced' that I like girls because I was 'influenced by modern culture during an impressionable stage.' I'm 20 years old, for f--k's sake. (!) Sorry, I put that over-excited banana there because it looks hilarious. Anyway. Advice, anecdotes, etc. will all be greatly appreciated. I just came out to my close friends (a few days after I came out to my mother) despite the fact that she apparently said she'd kill me if I told anyone else, and I'm out to my sister/friends overseas - and everyone has been great about it. But I don't really have a support group where I can talk through this. So...thank you in advance. :icon_wink
I think you have to remember that as hard as this is, its her problem and not yours that she cant accept you for who you are. This is who you are so there is no need to apologize. Having said that, I wouldnt refer to my orientation as a "self-diagnosis", personally, because "diagnosis" implies an illness, and there is nothing wrong with you. Im not trying to nitpick or whatever just pointing out something in the way you wrote the post Unless you are just writing it that way to mock your mom's phrasing, in which case, thats pretty funny, and its also hilarious that she blames Lady Gaga.
The bottom line is, if your eyes wander toward women when you're out and about... if sexual fantasies are about girls, not guys... if looking at naked guys does nothing for you... and if nothing about being in a relationship with a guy appeals to you, you're a lesbian. You don't really need anyone to tell you this, nor did the Internet or anything else make it happen. Your mom is likely in the early part of the stages of loss (in this case, loss of perception of her daughter as straight) denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. Everyone goes through these stages, she likely just needs time. But if someone's offering up free therapy... and it's with a therapist you can choose, who is familiar with LGBT issues... no reason not to take advantage because everyone, particularly LGBT people, can benefit from some therapy And I think with a bit of patience, she'll come around
Wow thank you both for speedy replies! I know, tapsilog2012, I'm not apologizing, and I want to be mad about the hurtful things she has said, but ultimately she's my mom and I want her to accept me, you know? And that's exactly my problem with the whole 'self-diagnosis' thing - it implies I have a disease. :bang: Chip - I know I'm a lesbian. I stopped questioning it two years ago (and questioning was a bitch, but that's over now), and I've gotten to a place where I can tell other people! So I know it'll take time for her to go through the stages of grief. I just wish she would be willing to talk, so I could at least hear what she's thinking and respond to some of her concerns. ---------- Post added 2nd Nov 2012 at 09:13 PM ---------- also - I agree that blaming Lady Gaga = hilarious. I laughed out loud when I heard that
I agree with Chip. Meeting with a therapist could be great, because any licensed therapist SHOULD be trained to understand being gay as a valid and acceptable lifestyle, and one that you did not choose. Agree to meet with the therapist on one condition: that your mom meets with the therapist (or her own) as well. Another thing a therapist could do is help your mom work through her grief into acceptance, which would only benefit you both. Sorry she is having a hard time with this. Good luck!
