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Last in the family...and gay.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by walker, Nov 3, 2012.

  1. walker

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    Hey everyone, I've just discovered EC and have found it very helpful and reassuring, so I figured I'd ask you all for some advice on something I've been struggling with for a while now.

    I'm gay, and totally in the closet, not a soul knows (besides you now haha) and I also happen to be the last to carry my family's name. I generally act pretty "straight", its just how I am, but as I get older and remain girlfriend-less I think my family has reason to start suspecting. They have said things to me like: "You'd better not be gay, or we're in big trouble", in a half-joking manner and I just laugh and tell them to be patient, im just not in a hurry to knock someone up...

    I'm worried about coming out to them, I know my parents will be fine with it, they're beautiful, understanding people. But some of the rest of my family is pretty conservative and I think they feel that there is a lot riding on me, and expect me to get married and save the family name...

    I know I shouldn't care what they think, but I guess a small part of me feels a little responsible, I don't know.. But I can't keep living in the closet, especially not with my family..

    Thanks!
     
    #1 walker, Nov 3, 2012
    Last edited: Nov 3, 2012
  2. Gravity

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    I understand the pressure, as this is something my family has put on me occasionally in the past. But it sounds like your immediate family isn't where the pressure is coming from, which is a good thing. And really, in the end, even if you did get married, what if you had three girls, all of whom got married and took their husbands' last names? It's not on any one person's shoulders to "save the family name." You could just as well turn it around on your parents and ask why they didn't have more sons. Stay true to yourself - this is not, and never was, your responsibility.

    Also, a story, in case it helps: once, when my dad was bringing this up again and wondering if the family name would die out if I didn't have a child, I turned to face him and asked him - in front of the whole family - if he wanted to have sex with another man. Flustered, he responded that of course he didn't. "Then stop asking me to have sex with a woman," I responded. He hasn't brought it up again since. :slight_smile:
     
  3. Roman

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    Hey, try not to be too hard on yourself. As Gravity said, you don't owe anybody the burden of carrying somebody else's name. I come from a large family where I'm the only male, so I understand the pressure. My older sisters have married, started having kids, and I'm sure my parents are hoping I'm next, but it just ain't gonna happen lol.
     
  4. walker

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    Haha good story Gravity, way to speak your mind, and thanks for the input Roman. I appreciate you guys responding to me, and I agree that I can't let this bother me...can't help it I guess.

    I suppose that I feel pretty blessed, my family (immediate and extended) has given me a lot and has always been there for me. I'm worried that I'll lose their support and respect by coming out. I know it shouldn't matter to me, but I can't help but worry about how my relationships with them will change..

    I should probably work on my immediate family and friends before worrying about this anyway. :grin:
     
  5. teluphone

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    Coming from the only male in his family and the fact my parents expect 15 kids BS from each child in the family, i totally understand what you're going through. I'm not obliged to carry out something that might be done against my will tbh.

    Anyway back for your scenario i agree with the other posters, you don't owe anyone when it comes to carrying the family name, i think some people do make too much of a fuss about this sort of stuff but thats just me i guess
     
  6. nwonderlad

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    I hope not to be repetitive of what you already read by what the others have written.
    But here is what I think :slight_smile: First of all, the "family's name" is not what makes the family itself, it's the love between the members of it, and unless that love is unconditional, well, I would define it more like a 'temporary' relationship :\ I know saying this is kind of hypocritical, but don't give too much importance of what your family (hypocritical because I care far too much of what everybody thinks about me lol) might think of you if you come out, they all should be damn proud of you because it takes a lot of courage to come out for some people, I have been through that and it went better than expected.
    Now... Since I don't know you, nor your family, but from what you have written it seems to me like you have a really nice relationship, then rely on them. What I mean is, I wouldn't worry too much of what your family says if you know that your parents are behind you. I'm sure they love you, you are their son and their main principle is to protect you from whoever and whatever, or at least, it should be like that :slight_smile:
    May I suggest you something? Don't plan like a "speech" when you come out, there is a big possibility that after you saying the first sentence of it the situation will get easier, your parents won't need you to say anything more to comfort you and tell you that they love you! When I came out to my parents, I had a STRONG feeling inside me that it was it, I hope you get that feeling and that you take the moment as it is without anything planned. Planning it might make it harder for you, because then you start to think about all the possible reactions of your parents, what they might say, what you would do if they say something that might hurt you or bla bla bla... It's pointless of you to do that, so yeah.. Just tell them as you were about to ask "Hey mom, what's for dinner tonight?" - Easy as that :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    I know, it's easy to say these things, and I understand it is not easy for you, we have all been through that so learn from others experience and do what you feel, it's all about you, not them, remember that please :slight_smile:

    Please, excuse me if I sounded a bit 'bitchy' in my post :\


    On a completely different note:

    You are a damn genius LOL
     
    #6 nwonderlad, Nov 3, 2012
    Last edited: Nov 3, 2012
  7. walker

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    Thanks guys, I should probably give my family a little more credit. From what I've read and heard, you really never know how someone will react. And I won't find out until I start talking...:slight_smile:. Sooo...onward! Haha
     
  8. The Escapist

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    Good luck with your coming out journey! It is kind of sad to think of the negative responses you may very well get with your extended family, because you've known them so long. My family has it's problems but we all love each other and I remember the family reunions we used to have. But you didn't choose this, it's just another trait of you.
    Unfortunately people don't understand right now, but they will one day.
    In the end, I figured it's worth it to risk it. I may lose my blood-family, but it's over something so simple. It's not my fault. Nothing is wrong with me.
    I haven't really said it to them straight out, outloud yet, but we had some fights/conversation on Facebook and I pretty much haven't talked to them since. It's sad really.. My cousin and I were so friendly before that. He sent me a casual message like nothing has changed but, I don't see it that way. I don't like the idea of continuing a friendship like that. Well, I'm still me. We can't force them to believe in equality, but we're worth coming out for. :slight_smile:
     
  9. Neutrality

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    Whose to say you can't keep the family name going with another guy?...I'd be perfectly fine if I all in love with a guy in your situation to use the surrogacy option to have a child and I'd even take his last name =P....soo Boom you could marry a guy who takes your last name and have a biological kid with your last name and everyone wins ^^