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Self Loathing

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by sscott, Nov 3, 2012.

  1. sscott

    Regular Member

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    Gender:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    For a while I was pretty comfortable with my sexuality, but now I just feel sick. There have always been people that have known that I am gay, but recently I came out to six people. Only about twenty of the closest people around me know now. And they are all supportive.
    Since last Saturday, I have been have extreme spouts of nervousness. I just get these feelings when I am in a social situation and I am like, "Oh my god, all of these people know I am gay. What are they thinking? How should I act? Do they think differently of me?" I just cannot stop thinking. I know they are all okay with my sexuality, but I am not. It's like I forget I am gay, then I realize it all of the sudden. And when I realize it, I freak out. I shake. I feel like I am going to throw up. I just feel overly bad.
    This catharsis of emotions happen throughout the day. I go from being overly happy one moment to a state of stygian emotion minutes later. I feel like I am on a roller coaster.
    Then there's my crush whom I am around all the time. The problem with my crush is that he's pretty much one of my better friends. My major difficulty is I cannot tell if he's gay or not. Oh, and he doesn't know I am gay. I used to taunt myself with this question, but lately I just let anxiety overwhelm me. I like him so much, and I can't stand it.
    So these feelings all led to me having a breakdown at school. I was in study hall with my crush and few other people who know that I am gay and I broke down. I just started thinking about how I am out in the open with my friends and just about my crush in general. And this knot just formed in my stomach. I waited until after class and I had my teacher take me to the crisis councilor.
    I talked to her for two hours. She pretty much knows everything. I feel better right now, but I have no idea if I will have another breakdown. I am scared and confused. I don't know how to handle anything anymore. I know that people will accept me, but I don't know how to accept myself. I am filled with so much self loathing.
     
  2. snowflurry

    Regular Member

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    I can completely relate to this...every single one of my friends has been supportive of me and when I came out it really wasn't a big deal. But I was the only one that struggled to accept myself, and I couldn't get over the blow that my self-esteem suffered from it. It was frustrating, but I feel like I've basically gotten over the worst of it. Honestly, what helps is time. Give yourself time, and you'll find that you can accept yourself. Of course, it helps to talk to other people...the more you talk to them about things like this, the less you have to worry about things like "how should I act now that they know I'm gay?"
     
  3. pinklov3ly

    Full Member

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    Out to everyone
    I've been through the self loathing stage, it is not fun at all. I was a mess years ago, I hated the idea of being gay or being ”different”; I didn't want to be different. I cried about it until I knew that the only way to feel better was to crawl out of the hole that I dug for myself. My entire family have always been supportive, but I couldn't accept myself. I gave myself such a hard time and I still don't know why.

    All you can do is be yourself. I used to worry incessantly about how I was suppose to act around them. They knew my secret and well I did not want to be treated differently. I'm just glad that you have talked to a counselor about this, it's obviously eating you up inside. You need to learn how to express your emotions. You've been bottling up your emotions and it got the best of you, and it's okay to cry. It's one of the many helpful coping mechanisms. I hope you continue speaking to a counselor, they can be very helpful, good luck :slight_smile:
     
    #3 pinklov3ly, Nov 3, 2012
    Last edited: Nov 3, 2012