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I'm so confused

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Dan09, Nov 3, 2012.

  1. Dan09

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    Hey guys this is my first time posting so bear with me,

    A little about me. My name is Dan I'm 16 almost 17 in December. I stand about 5"6. My ethnicity is black Caribbean which makes it even harder to discover my self. I've moved about a few times during my lifetime and is currently questioning my sexual orientation.*

    Around the age of 4-5 I had my first gay experience, to this day I will never forget it. We had just cleaned out this attic and managed to move enough stuff that we could both squeeze into this little gap. As little kids that grew up so closely we was of course curious of our bodies and what the other person felt like. However it never went that far only touching and an occasionally blow. We called this 'alone.' This went on for about 2 years before I moved away.

    After that I have had no other guy experiences, I just lead an average life still unsure if I was just messing around as kids or was it really the start of me noticing that I could be gay. That is *yp until recently;

    Skip forward to the present (16 almost 17). I met this guy in secondary school who was also gay and he made me remember who I was all those years ago. I we started to have a sexual relationship but there was no love *involved. You could say it was like friends with benefits, only for the sexual stuff without any of the complicated stuff. This lasted for about 3 months then I ended it because it felt so wrong yet felt so good.

    I've tried to live a hetrosexual life as much as I can, and now even my friends are starting to pick up on the fact that I act slightly differently, and every now and again they ask if I'm gay but I always say no. I have had to see a counclor about depression that was brought along with the fact that i don't really no who I am. I even had one mate who said that he's never had a gay mate and he would live it if he did, but I know he is straight.

    Here's the situation im in at the moment, i'm so confused about who I am at this point no of it makes sense. None of my family are very supportive about homosexuality. I've trived to live a life where they can be proud of me, but if I'm gay then I will shatter their dreams of being a perfect son and having a baby. I dare not talk about homosexuality around them. *No one knows of my situation.

    Sorry if I went on a bit, I wanted to make sure you knew all/most of the detail that is in my life.
    Thanks Dan
     
  2. Lance

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    It does seem like you are most likely gay. You can't live your life for other people and their dreams. It's not worth being unhappy for that. You need to live this life for yourself. If your family might not be supportive then i'd hold off on telling them if they might kick you out.
     
  3. whitwhit82

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    I can relate. I'm 30 years old and I have just recently started coming to terms with the fact that I am a lesbian. I'm not out yet, because my family is not supportive. I just moved out of my parent's house for the first time back in August. After that, I decided I didn't have to run from my sexuality anymore. I don't want to be fake within the walls of my own house. Being on my own was a turning point for me. I know for me, I couldn't have told my parents about my sexuality while I was living under their roof. Had I told them, I would have been hunting another roof (at least that was my guess). I was not emotionally ready to be on my own (other issues unrelated to my sexuality where holding me back), so I denied it to myself in fear if I came to terms with it, they would find out.
     
  4. Dan09

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    Thanks I probably will hold of telling my family about my orientation until I'm really sure myself about who I am. I hate being someone I'm not and hiding such a massive part of me from them.

    I go to an all boys school which probably doesn't my help in the quest of understanding who I am, everyone in school has such a negative view on homosexuality and would take the mic any chance they had if they discovered that there was a gay kid in school.

    I just feel that if I say something then it could back fire massively and in the worst case scenario could have no one left.
     
  5. MixedNutz

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    I can relate also. It wasn't until I was 25 to realize who I was, and be ok with making myself happy. But my family will have the same reaction as yours.

    It seems like you identify with being gay, but I think that would be your first course of action. Figure you out. That sometimes is the hardest part.

    Once you do that, start building relationships (close friends or more) that will act as a support group. The worse feeling in the world is feeling alone. But coming onto this forum was a step in the right direction.

    You may also want to consider counseling, if that is something you can do without raising an alarm with your family.

    Just know that there are soo many others that have been, or currently in your position. You are not alone in your struggle, and what I've found is most times all one needs is understanding and support.
     
  6. Dan09

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    If you dont mind me asking, how did you eventually accept who you really are?
    Does it really get easier (be honest)?

    I've been to councling for 6 months, and it took all of those 6 months to even tell my counclor that I was questioning my orientation. However after saying something I decided to leave because I felt different that my counclour new.
    I am thinking of going back again but not sure if I could really go threw that again.
     
  7. MixedNutz

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    Yes it did get easier. 4 years ago I would have rather died then have my parents know. Now I'm with someone that I truly love and I'm pondering on how to tell them.

    I found the easiest and most comforting way to accept yourself, is to surround yourself with those who are accepting of you and those that understand you. You're already heading in the right direction being on EC. Read thru the coming out section, the support and advice section. Slowly build a support system.

    A large part of accepting yourself is learning that you are acceptable by others.

    The single most important thing you have to realize is...

    You are not alone. You have so many people right on your computer screen that feel what you feel. That are or were where you are. Don't under estimate the feeling of being able to talk with someone or people that won't judge you and love you for you. (*hug*)
     
  8. Dan09

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    You say the most reassuring thing but I'm still not sure I can keep on holding back such a massive part of my life that they have never seen.

    It feels so wrong hiding things from people especially my family but I know if I tell them things will not go well.

    At the moment I haven't met one real life person that is probably supportive of my orientation.

    But there is one good thing about this that I can see, it has opened my eyes to the world and that everyone is different and that I should be open minded to people's opinions and beliefs.
     
  9. MixedNutz

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    Whether or not you can hold back is totally up to you. My thinking is if you are sure it won't go well, for your safety and well being, you have to. For now.

    I mean no offense, but you are young. I believe that someone should try to figure themselves out before they are ready to take the risk of rejection from their family.

    There are all kinds of ways to meet friends. I think maybe having one or two real life people to talk to may be good in helping you.
     
  10. Dan09

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    Thanks for that, I just needed some reassurance really.

    I think at the moment I will take 1 step at a time and see how that work, I will stay away from my family about the subject until I am able to support for myself and when I'm ready.
     
  11. MixedNutz

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    I think that's the best way to go.

    Good luck.