(First of all, please allow me to apologize about the length of this post; it's totally ridiculous, and yet I haven't really begun to scratch the surface ) I guess I really want some outside opinion on what I should do in this situation; it has been consuming me for the past two months, and shows no signs of stopping. At the end of last year, my best friends left for university (they were a grade ahead of me), and I was quite devastated; I didn't know how to spend my time anymore. Luckily, on one of the first days of school, I made a new male friend, and we instantly clicked. We both loved computers, philosophy, physics and all that other nerdy discussion. We quickly became best friends, and we spent countless hours together chatting about the state of the universe and other such things. Anyhow, my other friends had started to become slightly suspicious of how much time I was spending with this guy, and they thought I might be gay. He and I made ridiculous amounts of gay jokes, pretending to be gay with each other, and freaking out my other friends. It was all in good fun, until I started to realize that I had feelings for him. As he and I were both good friends, we were both able to discuss this totally openly, and I told him how I thought I had feelings for him, and how I really liked him. He seemed to reciprocate the thoughts, and we were both happy to see that the other was reciprocating. Now, before I continue any further, allow me to tell me a bit about this friend of mine. A few years back, when he was in ninth grade, he had a relationship with a grade 12 girl, for whom he had little to no emotional connection; he spent many hours with her, often fruitlessly, and only because he wanted to see her happy. He explained this to me, and how he seems to have trouble with emotions and feelings. So, getting back to the story for a bit, after he and I admitted we had feelings for each other, we started to decide that we'd have an underground/clandestine relationship. Things went reasonably well as we worked out the logistics and the planning that was necessary to pull off such a feat. Then, the two of us were involved in a school event, which lead to making out afterwards. That was lots of fun, and we both seemed to enjoy it. A few days later, we decided we'd make out again after another school event. As he pressed up against me, and we started to kiss, he pulled back, and put his head on my shoulder. I didn't really understand what was going on, but he said "This isn't working for me". I was a bit confused, but we both went to go sit down, and he told me that he didn't think this was going to function, because he didn't think he was attracted as he had thought. Over the next while, he explained many different reasons for this failure; he said that he had only wanted to see me happy, and had done what he did in attempt to do so, and then he explained he was sexually deprived, and needed some physical contact. It seemed that every week, his explanation changed. Anyhow, I was quite devastated, and heartbroken, but I could accept that a relationship wouldn't work. After that, he said to me that he wanted to stop spending so much time together, and that we had come too close for his comfort in our friendship. I found that to be quite a bit worse, I think, and I fought tooth and nail to try to save our friendship. Luckily, my efforts paid off, and we continued to be close friends. At the same time, I was quite consumed by the fact that I was in love with him, and that our "relationship" didn't work, and that I wanted him in the same way that I had had him before. I guess it was quite bad that I remained to be friends with him while I was romantically attached to him, especially considering that he was quite accommodating to my feelings. At times, he did admit that he did have feelings for me, but that they were extremely short lived; he would have an "irrational" attraction to me that would last for a very small amount of time, and that would do funny things to him. One day last week, he explained to me that he was reevaluating his decision to end the relationship, and was weighing the options. At the same time, he assured me it wasn't a serious weighing of the options, which was a bit disconcerting and unfortunate (he also informed me of a dream that he had had where he and I got sexually intimate, which I found amusing, but curious). Anyhow, I got my hopes up again, and I had them dashed not too shortly afterwards. It seemed to me as though he was fighting between the two options, although he assured me that he had no feelings for me. At the same time, he did act quite affectionately towards me, and we often were quite physical in our interactions. Last night, he slept over at my house, and things were absolutely fine, until we were watching a movie together, and we started to get very close. He put his hand on my stomach, and we started to move together, all while lying on my bed. We were holding each other as we watched this movie (I didn't really watch, I was too busy paying attention to the fact that he was holding me), and he then proceeded to kiss me on the cheek. At some point after that, he got up, and went to go sleep in his sleeping bag, and he seemed quite cold to me. I tried to talk to him about what had just happened, but he seemed unreceptive. He explained the situation with him acting irrationally at times, and that he gets swept into the moment, or that he can feel quite strongly at very short intervals. Whatever the case, he reaffirmed that he felt no feelings for me, that he was, in fact, straight, and that he was not physically attracted to me or guys. He also used the argument that it was likely that he was sexually deprived, and was again acting out of convenience. I'm not sure what to think of all of this, and I have no idea how I should react. So far, I've not reacted as harshly as I might have, as I'm hopeful that I might see some more empty physical connections, as bad as that may sound. I don't think that abandoning him as a friend is an option, and I don't think that I want to tell him off about it. I know I'm limiting my options by quite a bit, but beyond that I don't know how to respond or act. I look forward to hearing your opinions, and I apologize for the length of this post. Thanks very much for reading Matthew
He sounds to me like a very confused young man, not ready to be in a relationship with anyone, let alone an eager guy who has already confirmed his sexuality and isn't prepared to deal with this. The feelings you have for him need to be left alone for now as he sorts out his own feelings and thoughts. When and if he realizes that he's probably gay/bi, and gets over his trouble with maintaining a serious relationship, then and only then will a relationship between you two work out.
you HAVE to talk about this with him in person. He's definitely unsure about his sexuality - like his heart is saying "this is right" but his head is saying "oh crap this is a guy". you just have to be gentle with him and talk to him about it (the whole "gay is ok" speech basically ). obviously the only thing stopping a further relationship (or one that isn't erattic and random) is his indecisiveness about himself, which can only be corrected over time.
That sounds absolutely reasonable, and I would be very happy if it were that simple, but I'm quite sure he'd say that: 1) He is straight, but willing to do things with guys (for some reason). 2) He's sexually deprived, and therefore desperate for some contact. 3) He's confused about his feelings for me; sometimes he's attracted to me, but not often; he has mood swings here. I don't know why it is that he swings around like that, and I don't think he does either. 4) He has trouble defining our close friendship; he's not used to having such close friends. 5) He's unsure of how to act around me, considering he knows that I have very strong feelings for him. I don't know if those would cover all the bases, but I would be very happy if I were wrong in these assumptions.
I guess what I mean is that this doesn't seem to be a standard situation in that he's indecisive, but not consciously so. He really makes it clear that he has absolutely no attraction to me, that he doesn't have feelings for me, and all that other stuff, but any rational human being would be able to figure out from his actions last night that it's not as simple of a situation as it seems. I don't really know how to describe how he is, maybe he's bipolar, or something like that. I know he is hypoglycemic, which does really affect his mood, and might affect his attraction to me, or something like that. Whatever the case may be, I expect there's some sort of chemical imbalance or something like that, that is causing this whole problem. I would love to be able to think that he's just repressing his feelings for me, but I really don't think that's the case. Of course, if I show him this thread , a sort of thing I've done in the past, he'll probably give me a look, saying either that I'm going too crazy about this, or he'll reaffirm his position .
You need to think of this like a straight person would think of their relationship. It's so easy to slip into a relationship when you're gay because it's inherently more difficult to get one at first. Now, put this exact scenario in the bodies of a guy and a girl. Think of it this way: 1. The couple make out a few times 2. One person loves the other, but the other is totally confused and non-commital 3. The other person uses the relationship to fill a sexual-deprived void 4. The other person's feelings change on a whim Would this work in the straight world? No. I hate to say it, but until this boy figures himself out, he certainly isn't going to be able to give much back to you. The only thing that's going to come out of this is more heartache for you and confusion for him (as it obviously already has by the title of the post). Until he is sure of his own sexuality, he's only toying with you. Those are my two pents. Take them or leave them. (*hug*)
I think he's in denial about his own sexuality. He wants to be with you but then he feels its wrong so he makes excuses as to why he feels the way he does about you. You might just have to back off and give him some breathing room so that you can figure this all out for himself.
Well, I certainly hope that you're all correct in thinking that he's just confused, but I guess it's not clear. What can I do to help him figure things out, or put things in order? Even if he decides that it's not what he wants, and that he's not gay, I'd like to be able to help him make it more clear and decisive. Simply put: if the situation is clear and if he's happy, I am happy.
As much as I hate to say it, sounds like you're probably the closest one here to the answer. I suspect that he is totally non-committed, but is in it for a few "larfs", which does suck for me. Who knows...
I wish my best friend would hold me like that. I think I'll ask him to next time we watch a movie. I'm positive he's straight but that would feel really great right about now. He knows I like him so thats a plus too! I say that you just let him figure it out on his own, but just enjoy the comfort of being held in his arms, without asking or expecting much more
for one i think you seem tobe in a simliar situation as i am. there was this guy i liked. he was openly bi or gay or wahtever, so i told him i loved him and he just freaked out. apparently he didnt like me the way i did and i was so sad. i have come to realize that it was just lust at first sight. it killed me that he didnt love me back and i have come to also realize that he wasnt the one for me. being "infatuated" with some one who doesnt feel the same way is just not a healthy relationship. just being stuck in that same damn ditch wont help you and just closes doors for other opportunities in the feild of relationships. from experience, it is just better to let him go. he apparently doesnt want to be with you, evne though he says he does. you shouldnt wait for him to fall back in love with you. its not worth it for him jsut to dump you again. just please let him go. its for the better. if you just want to talk to me or need help with anything, just message me. adios amigo ~Jon~
I suspect that in the long term, you're absolutely right; I should leave him behind. "Thankfully", I'm leaving the school in June, and our friendship will likely be cut off. I have to say though, I want to let this drop slowly and naturally, in other words, on its own. Considering how exceptional our friendship is, and how easily I think I'll be able to talk to him about this, I prefer not to drop him so abruptly; it seems harsh and it sort of feels like I'm blaming him for the situation; I don't think he can help the swings. Maybe that's not best for me, but I feel that in the short term, it might be much better. The last time our friendship was in jeopardy, I was completely devastated and emotionally shattered; I don't really want to return to that. I bet that sounds stubborn.
Holding on to the friendship that currently exists, if it is that important to you, should be your first priority in this case; if you aren't there to support him as a friend, how can you ever hope to be a quality BF? It seems to be from the description of the guy that he would be a straight-forward, logical thinker, given that he is into all the science stuff you mentioned, and perhaps he is trying to take a similar approach to evaluating his emotions. If that is the case, he will learn sooner of later that there is no rationality to how human emotion works and that love cannot be evaluated like a mathematical equation. He will have to learn to think intuitively as opposed to systematically. While on the subject of thought processes, what are his parents like? If he lives in a home that might not be accepting to the gay lifestyle, he may be trying to keep their affection by suppressing his feelings for you. Friendships and young love are powerful factors in a person's emotions, but like you said yourself, you are going off to school in June and he will most likely be more keen to what his parents think of him than how you do. Relationships are a lot of work, especially in a culture that is notorious for its loose sex and physical relationships. Give him the space he needs to come to terms with himself and things will sort themselves out in the end.
im not saying to like completely drop him as a friend. from what you are telling me, im saying to drop him as a lover. of course you can still be friends with that person, but you need to lay down the law and tell him you just want to be friends and nothing more. of course it wont be easy, but thats a part of life.like becky said, he maybe confused with his sexuality and he may be turning to you for advice. only give him advice and nothing more. he needs your help and you shouldnt completely drop him as a friend because it will make him insecure and probably even more confused.l he needs to understand that his confusion is hurting you, and you can no longer be the scapegoat for his emotions. if he cant understand that you just want to be friends, then dont reciprocate the reactions, no matter how much you want to. you are being blindly led and its not helping you or him.
I think you hit the nail on the head there. He does not understand his emotions, and does try to approach them from a logical and systematic manner. He has a funny relationship with his emotions; he has said that either he does not feel emotions, or that he doesn't like spending time with people, and all sorts of other things. Considering his mood swings, he says that his feelings are in a constant state of flux, and he feels different all the time, which is why he doesn't think he loves me; he just gets really attracted on occasion. His parents are on the strict side of the spectrum, but I don't think they wouldn't support him if he turned out gay. He seems to think that they wouldn't like it, and that he has grown up in an environment that is hostile to it. Based on my opinions of his parents, they don't seem that crazy. My problem with the approach is that it seems I am the one who is leading him on this thing; apart from his little reaction on Friday, I haven't had any other really significant responses from him. I'm the one who initiates the conversations about our relationship, I'm the one who seems to be the most concerned about it. I get emotionally involved and attached to the relationship, and he doesn't seem as affected. At the same time, he will talk to me about it, and he clearly has some emotional attachment of some sort. Who knows...
Bleagh... I tried talking to him about it today, and he seemed quite cold and unresponsive. He guessed I was going to do something for him for Valentine's day, and his reaction was "I don't know why you try, it's not like it's going to advance anything." I think he really just isn't interested. Oh well. Time to move on, I guess. :tears:
your friend sounds like hes confused with his own sexuality...and at times he dosent know what to do or what he is feeling...i would say that ur friend is definiantly not 100% straight since he was kissing another boy repeadily (you)...maybe give him sometime to figure out who he is or talk with him about that...i think hes bi or gay but has not come to terms with himself yet and is still denying it...and at sometimees he dosent have the power or control to deny his sexual urges and kisses you but then makes up a story that he was sexually deprived (which is a complete joke for an excuse, since everyone is sexually deprived unless you go out constantly seeking it wich is wierd)..i think your friend has alot of issues in his head ...you need to sit down and talk about those issues...that excuse he gave you is pretty weak...
Looks like the situation has wrapped itself up in a lovely, neat little bow! I'm pretty sure I'm no longer in love with him, but we're still best friends, and today I made out with him , to prove to a female friend of ours that I was bisexual, and that we had done things in the past. Funny thing, she wanted to see how good I was at that, and so she pulled me aside and then we made out. What a day! Almost makes up for the math test
