Never put this into words before, just want to hear peoples thoughts

Wow. I could have written this exact post myself. I can relate to you 100%. Please know you are not alone in your confusion. I just recently admited my sexuality to myself, but it took years. I couldn't figure out if my crushes on women were just silly, little crushes or if there was something more to them. When I was with men, I found myself attracted to them some, but I felt like something was missing. When I saw women on TV, for example, I felt an attraction to them that seemed to be stronger than what I felt with men. However, I still saw myself marrying a man and having children, being the perfect little wife in a perfect "Leave it to Beaver" sort of way. I think, though, part of that desire came from being raised to think that was what I was suppose to do. There was always a part of me, from a very young age, that said, "Maybe I won't get married." I was confused, did I just not want to be married or was it that I didn't want to be married to a man? To add to my confusion, I was sexually abused as a child for years and raped by the same man as an adult. I couldn't help but shake the thought that maybe that was why I had a hangup with men. Maybe I was just afraid of them and couldn't trust them as much as women because of my experience? It took me a long time to sort all of it out. I have to say, I still battle with it. I think, though, that my confusion stems from denial. I just decided, like you, that I want to be happy. I don't want to let fear keep me from being who I truly am. I had to take time to really sit and examine it. I would rather be with a woman over a man because I'm more attracted to women, not because I'm afraid. The two relationships (very short) I've had with women were full of more passion and connection than I ever had with a man. Women are beautiful and empowered and ther is nothing wrong with loving one or being attracted to one. I had to tell myself that over and over. I'm finally becoming a little more comfortable with it as the days go on. I can also relate to feeling like you have no one to talk to. I was scared to bring it up to my therapist, not because she wouldn't support me (I knew she would 100%), but because I was so confused I didn't even know where to begin. I think I was also afraid to bring it up because it was like finally facing something I was terrified of. I knew if I started to talk about it, I'd probably start sorting it all out and I'd have to eventually face some hard truth. That was difficult for me.

Well, I hope I helped just a tad. If nothing else, it's always nice to know you aren't alone. There are others in the same boat. My advice would be just to take it a day at a time and don't run from it. Let yourself think about it and feel whatever it is you feel. Even if it's confusion, keep with it. Sometimes we just need time with our thoughts to process and sort it all out. It took me years, which is much longer than it has taken others, but that was what I needed. Talking here is a great way to help process and find support. I think you're headed in the right direction. If you ever want to talk more, let me know. I'll be more than happy to! Good luck to you and stay strong!