Hello fellow ECers I have not had too much success in people replying to my posts so far, but no probs because just writing them has helped so much, plus reading other peoples problems and solutions has been so useful. Quick recap on where I am: I am 49 and came out as gay to almost everyone last year after many years of only being partially out to a few closest friends as bisexual. I have very limited experience of relationships - just two short ones in last 20 years (both with women). My coming out has been a good thing. And has at last given me the freedom to really consider who i am and why have I got where I have in my life. Despite my long held (semi) secret, I have had a good life and come from a stable, loving family, have great friends and a good job. I am alone but not lonely. So the problem is that I am still very, very cautious about exploring my sexuality. To my own shame, I still have a latent internal homophobia toward gay people. I have joined a local gay walkers group and dining club and have begun to meet some great people and have been working on realising that stereotypes are indeed just that and that LGBT people come in as many shapes, sizes, personalities and interests as straight people. BUT still I am stuck and really not sure how to move forward?? This week I have just read a new book (just released in the UK) called "Love Me As I Am". Its a collection of letters from men in their 30s and 40s written to their 16 year old selves. I recommend the book to any one. The editors of the book also run weekend workshops in London for gay men - to help them face and work through all the negative baggage associated with being gay and learning to live a more authentic and integrated life. I think attending the workshop might be really good, but its in London and I live in rural Wales. I am worried it might be too big a leap and that others on it, will have been 'out' for years and will have very different issues than me (sex addiction etc..) and would mean I would feel way out of my comfort zone. I have asked my two closest (straight female) friends who have been supporting me through the last year what they think. One has said cautiously "yes" and the other has said "no" and thinks if its a step too far & it might just set me back and reinforce my fear and internal homophobia??? Help - what do people think I should do?
Personally, I'd go with a cautious "go for it!". Because, as much as people would want to believe that's how it works, no one ever got comfortable with something by sitting in isolation thinking about it. Or at least that's how it worked for me. Sure, I did a lot (years and years worth) of thinking about how it would be to come out. About how it would be to go to a gay bar, about what it would be like to tell a guy I really liked him more than just any friend. ...and yet, none of that prepared me for the reality of it. At the doorstep of each of those things, I hesitated and suddenly discovered that all of the thinking in the world hadn't cured me of my insecurities. But actually swallowing my doubts and pressing on (or being dragged by my friends, which was what mostly happened ) was what did the trick every time. You can think about how gay people are not different from any other people, but nothing is so effective at internalising that knowledge as actually going out and meeting a few. Okay, total authenticity and social skills and confidence didn't all happen at once, obviously. Time is a factor. And if you spent years trying to be straight, you aren't going to shed that history overnight. But still, doing is as much, if not more, a part of that process than thinking. So: keep doing what you're doing now. But if at all possible, I think the workshop could be a very good idea. It's worth pointing out that the people you'll meet at that workshop will have issues. That's why they're there. So don't see it as "this is what all gay people are like". But DO listen to their experiences and issues, and see how they can apply to you. And vice versa. And don't put yourself down for lack of experience. Don't see it as a "hierarchy of problems". Often, even in discussions with people way more experienced than I am, did I find that my fresh look could help them, just as much as their experience could help me. Finally, what often helps for me when moving out of my comfort zone, is to remember that nothing can really meaningfully hurt me unless I let it. No matter whether the workshop has results or no, you can still go back to your comfy home afterwards. At worst, it's a couple of days wasted, and at best, it has a lot of potential for getting you moving ahead. And that isn't too big a risk, I'd say!
Thank you Filip. I had sort of came to same conclusion and just before I saw your reply had gone online and booked myself a place on the workshop. You are so right - at worst it will be a wasted couple of days, but also could help (in as yet unknown ways) to move things on. I am very good at sitting around thinking (a gold medal in it I would say!!), but in the end 'doing' is what actually allows me to progress
