In need of support

I apologize in advanced for how long this is, but I just really need to talk to someone about it, so thank you anyone who will listen.

When I was in high school, probably around 17, I had a crush on my best friend. I never liked anyone before that, never dated, and it was just really confusing for me. She most definately didn't think of me that way and I never told her about my feelings because I knew it would just be pointless and stupid if I didn't want to ruin our friendship but it kind of hurt. It hurt in those moments when she told me about guys she liked and it really hurt when she started dating someone seriously. I got over it pretty quickly. I was halfway there because I kept telling myself that I was just confusing a really good friendship and platonic love with my desire to be with someone. I repeated it over and over in my head when we were together and I never told anyone about it even though it lasted for quite awhile.

I was questioning my sexuality but like I said, I just called myself lonely and confused and most definately straight. When I was 18 or 19 I dated for the first time. It only lasted about a month or two because he turned out to be jerk, but at this point I started questioning myself again. I don't fully remeber why, I think it was mostly because even with this guy I really really liked, something felt kind of off. I talked to my best friend about it this time but it was kind of hard to really give the full picture since I will never ever tell her about when I liked her. I don't feel that way now and like I said, it would just cause unnecessary tension. She basically said she'd support me but doubted I wasn't straight. At this point I accepted that there is a spectrum and while I was not on the extreme end, I was still definately straight.

I still had a phobia of being gay though. Like, I pushed the idea of sexuality from my mind and didn't think much about it. I felt that if I'm bi it doesn't matter because I can still just be with guys and never have to deal with the backlash. My family would always love me no matter what, but I've always been very vocal about civil rights and I just remember being young and raging against parents who abandonded their children for being in love with someone they thought a God who is all loving would send them to hell for being with. I was told more times than I can count that there's nothing wrong with being gay but it's just "not something they would want for me." My uncle also always thought I was a lesbian and would tell my dad this, who would say how ridiculous that was. And well, it kind of stuck with me.

I've never had a real boyfriend; I never really liked anyone but that one guy and my friend. I've hooked up with guys when I was really drunk but I could never look at them after without internally cringing a little. It wasn't embarassment (I have no shame sometimes, it's life we live it) but I didn't want to think about what it was. I lost my virginity when I was 19 with someone I thought I felt attracted to but it just felt really wrong. And when I think about having sex with a guy I just kind of feel a little squicked.

I'm almost 21 now and I have recently realized that I've been in denial for years. I still want to just say no I'm definately straight just because it's what I'm used to doing but I've finally realized that I'm really probably not. And I'm really kind of scared and alone. I literally have no one I can talk to about this because it's still confusing since I've never actually been with a woman even though I just find myself way more comfortable with the thought of being with a woman than a man. I usually can talk to my parents about anything but I really don't want to disappoint them. Already they feel a little uncomfortable with my religious views and it just feels like they won't be the support I need right now. I'm afraid to talk about it to my friends, and there's no support group that I know of or feel comfortable going to for help. And on top of all of that I just feel really hopeless about ever finding anyone. I mean I'm starting to realize that the person I'm going to be happy with is probably not male and I'm just scared I'm not going to meet anyone. More than anything, I just feel really isolated right now and I don't know what to do.

 

Thanks everyone. I'm just really glad I found this forum, it's really helpful to read what other people are going through and have a safe place to kind of figure everything out.