I don't know how they do it.

Coming out is a personal matter. A conscious choice you make. Basically saying to yourself, "Screw this. I'm tired of living a lie/a double life. It's time to be who I truly am, be true and honest not only to myself but to the world."

I'm super self-conscious and a total introvert with low self-esteem... But I came out because I felt I just couldn't go on deceiving myself and others around me. I cannot possibly be happy wearing a mask the whole time. The road isn't without obstacles but in the end, I feel it'll all be worth it. And I don't regret it one day

 

I think that bjust your writing this out is a step for you. Coming here and stating that yes you are gay (and in the closet), is actually admitting something to yourself.

And the most important first thing is to admit it inside. I know a guy who can't even get that far. he is the most beautiful guy I have ever had as a friend. Physically beautiful, and sweet inside too, talented. I just love him. But he is trying to be straight so hard it will kill him. He goes frokm one girlfriend to the next, having sexual flings that never last. he never falls in love. It is tragic. He got a girl pregnant whom he does not care for at all. He dumped her three months into the pregnancy for another girl, I think just to get away from the one. All of these girls use him for his hot body, and offer him nothing but booze in return. He will die a drunk in the closet. So sad.

You at least know about yourself and are educated and smart. You are free to make baby steps accepting yourself, and then you can tell one person at a time as you feel you should. You never do have to walk down the street shouting it from the rooftops. Just take small steps, and love yourself knowing you are fine, nothing wrong with you really.

 

Personally, I follow the wise words of Bernard Baruch: "Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."

A lot of us thought we could never do it, either. And if you try to think your way through it, to figure it out before you go through with it, that'll hold you back. Being out is one of those things where sometimes you really need to take the first plunge without think it through rationally first, where you just have to do it without first convincing yourself it's the logical thing to do. Logic will often keep you in your comfort zone, as you can easily use logic to justify staying there. But you know you need to come out to be happy, and you need to leave your comfort zone to do that.

Now, I'm no expert on jumping out of your comfort zone, but since that's what you'll have to do, you should focus more on that and less on trying to think this through. Spend more time working up the guts to do something outside of your comfort zone and less on figuring out how you can come out. Because it really is a rather simple process, but it's not an easy one, so you need to brace yourself for that challenge.

 

I have an inferiority Complex, so It was hard for me to come out, but I did find that once I told a few people, I felt more relaxed, and could be myself around others. Im not overly Camp, but I'm not Butch by a long shot.
I think being openly Gay is easier over here (In England) because We're less religious and less Taboo with it. To me, It is easier to be openly gay by not denying it, but not shoving ti in peoples faces.
That's how I do it - Who cares who doesn't like it?
Just one less person I can seduce ;]

 

You don't have to walk around and let everyone know that you're gay to be open about it. Not everyone has to know. Simply let those closer to you know, or if you don't have a lot of close friends just find some people (co workers, casual friends) and mention it to them in conversation - coolly, like it's no big deal. If you act like it's no big deal then they will too. Then think of someone else you'd like to know, and do the same. If you don't have a lot of people who you want to tell then simply take the attitude that you'll tell anyone who asks, or you think should know, and don't worry about people finding out. If you find a boyfriend you don't have to hold hands and make out in public. Most people will probably see you and think that you're friends or brothers, and you only need to tell them if they ask.

You really don't have to be all that flamboyant about it, and it sounds from your post that you're not one of those people who automatically comes across as gay. So just keep acting like yourself, and try to take some steps to be more honest with the people around you. You'll be self-conscious, yes, but if you play it off like you're not then the people around you will see your confidence (even if it's fake) and try to act like everything's normal.

 

I'm not exactly sure how I did it. I think what it came down to is I was just so fed up hiding and being emotionless all the time. Like Owen stated, you need to get out of your comfort zone. I came to the realization that it really doesn't matter if people know I'm gay. Afterall I am, so I'm only being authentic with them and myself. If people don't accept me, then they don't matter and I don't want to be around them. The people who do stay by your side or new people you meet that don't care, are the ones you need in your life. I think being gay is a very large part of who we are, but there's also much more to us than that and we're not so different from "everyone else" like you might think. A lot of it comes to down realizing that being gay isn't such a big deal.

Back when I was still closeted, I was mortified at the thought of having anyone know, but now I walk around with my head high and more or less of a "I don't give a f*ck" attitude. I even further went out of my comfort zone and got a small rainbow bracelet to wear. I didn't get it to flaunt that I'm gay, but moreso that I'm proud and happy with who I am and don't care who knows it.

 

I think if I was out to everyone, I could be really comfortable in public. I think it's the pure fear that my parents will find out, but not on my terms. If everyone knew and I was in a relationship, I would happily hold hands in public. Not sure why or how I'd feel so comfortable though.

 

In response to that last line - you just do. You get to the point where you are so confident in your own skin (at least related to your orienation) that it really doesn't matter what other people think. If they have a problem with you being gay, it's just that, their problem. It isn't yours.

I see the source of some of your issue in what you suggested above:

"People that are out just have absolutely no humility, they feel no shame, that's how they do it."

This suggests that there is something shameful about being gay. And if that's what you think, this is where your problem lies. Because there's NOTHING to be ashamed of.

You talk about having no humility. As if you would be humbled, or made to feel 'less than' if you were to come out as gay. Wrong again. I'm not 'less than' anyone else just because I'm gay.

You're right. I'm not obviously gay (at least I don't think so) and I came out. Because the fact of the matter is, I'm gay. I like guys. I have a boyfriend. (Now husband.) And I grew really tired of hiding that from my extended family, friends and coworkers. Why should they get to talk about their significant others and what they did on the weekend and I can't?!?

So what is it about being gay that you think is an issue? You and I both live in the Toronto area, and I'll tell you right how that I've had absolutely no issues with anyone after coming out (with the exception of my church). Everyone has been supportive and understanding. It's been a really great experience. My kids are even 'out' at school - their classmates know that their dad is gay, and that I'm married to another man.

So what is it about your situation / surroundings that makes it seem so impossible to come out and receive a positive reaction? Maybe I can help...

 

I'm honestly having the same problem that you are (as far as wondering how they do it), but I know that I'm gonna get tired of hiding sometime or another. I think there's gonna be a point when you're gonna realize that it's not good to constantly deny who you are. Just remember that you need to fully accept yourself first.

 

On both counts for me; gender and orientation, it's mostly been a matter of, "I'm tired of being locked inside of myself". Eventually that feeling hit me hard enough and weighed down on me enough that it started to surpass worries about what other people might think, in that nothing they could do or say would be worse then what I was feeling inside by staying locked up.

I'm not saying it was easy coming out. I think Owen said above that you need to just not think about it and take the plunge, and that's exactly how it was for me when I started. There would be a split second decision made to tell somebody and I would avoid thinking about it and just do it. It was extremely scary at first and, even now, there are still some nerves when I talk to somebody about it who's not already in the know, but it's kind of all in just pushing yourself forward without thinking about it too much. I don't know you well enough to say anything about how being out would make you feel, but for me, once I was out to the people close to me, I found I'm worrying less and less about what other people in general will think.

Maybe this made sense and maybe it didn't. I'm actually a little tired, but I hope it helped illuminate my view point at least

 

Just be apathetic about it. If someone judges you, then fuck them. It's not as if you'll be seeing them ever again for the rest of your life.

Also, it's really stupid to stop yourself from living life because of insecurities. It's something you just DO because you realize that your fears are stupid cause the worst case scenario usually only lasts for a second anyways.

 

^This. When it gets to the point you just can't deal with lying to yourself or your loved ones. When the pain from holding everything in becomes more painful than what anyone else could say... THAT'S when you have to come out of the closet!

 

First, I want to say that I am so sorry for what you're going through. I think a lot of people including myself can relate to how you feel. My life isn't the best, but I'm happy or at least I pretend to be. I think you may need to talk to someone, have you thought have getting professional help? I used to see a psychiatrist and well it helped, it opened me up and I started seeing things from a different prospective. I could complain about my life endlessly or do something about it. I think you need to get away, you're not in a positive environment. I'm not sure what else I could say to help you, but perhaps you should come out. I know it's scary, I was scared, but once I came out I felt relieved. You're experiencing a ton of different emotions and you're trying to bottle them up. It's not healthy at all, I think you need to take care of yourself first.

 

I'm sorry you're feeling so down about this--it's definitely no fun! I had the hardest time being in the closet all through high school being the only lesbian I knew of anywhere. And I didn't even have any openly gay girls to be jealous of most of the time! I lived in constant fear that I would be outed because my best straight friend and I had a "unique" friendship that came across as something else if we weren't careful.

Once I came to college this year, though, I was in a way kindly nudged out of the closet by my friends. It was odd that I came knowing no one and they didn't know about my orientation, but I just made a bunch of friends who are LGBT supportive--in fact, my whole campus is! I met my first girlfriend the first week as friends and after we learned the other's orientation we decided to date not long after that. I'm still kinda uncomfortable, but she basically clings to me so much it was hard NOT to notice we're dating. It's odd for me that everyone just seems to accept it everywhere we go, just like a regular boy x girl couple. I haven't heard even one ill-intentioned comment aimed at us since we started going out!

I'm a little thankful for it, though, because without her or my friends I would have never come out to anyone and kept it bottled inside just like in high school. I'm useless without others because they give me the extra push to be myself.

 

I'm not going to repeat what I've been trying to say on your wall, so I'll just say something different.

Here's my path to coming out. I love being bisexual. I feel like it's a gift. Straight society, you want to send alienation my way? Fuck you, I will absorb your alienation and turn it into compassion for those different than me. I will read about feminism, anti-racism, class issues and try to put that knowledge into practice in my life in a positive way. All for the low, low price of having people call me a faggot, make me cry, and ban me from getting married by a 67% margin. I am thankful for that hurt, because it kicks my ass enough to get in gear for other people.

I think that coming out comes from inner strength. That's what the inner strength is for me. It's being a fighter.

It's the fact that whenever I come out, it makes all strangers in my presence who might be LGBT themselves feel safer. And even if everyone's straight, it might challenge someone with moderate bigotry to realize that we're all human, because they worked with me or knew me for years, and I'm just a regular guy.