Suicidal

First thing: STOP APOLOGIZING. Nothing you've listed here is your fault except for the self damaging behavior. After reading this again, I can only really see one problem: you think everyone hates you or at least thinks you're uncool, which is not true at all. You just need to recognize your achievements and stop basing your life on the negative reactions of others.

A couple things you can do: every day do something for yourself, and something for a family member or a stranger. It doesn't have to be big, as long as you're supporting yourself and reaching out to others.
When you wake up, go to sleep, and at every meal time, think of three (or more) things that were good so far during the day - if you can't come up with anything, scrub your brain for them. There are so many little things that are unnoticed until you take the time to think about them. It could be the weather, the sound of the birds outside, that someone smiled at you, anything really.

You just need to realize that you're not just something to reject or despise, but you're a good person with a lot to offer to the world.

you just have to believe in yourself.

(*hug*) alex

 

Don't ever say that!
As much as it may hurt, or how depressed one may feel, death is NEVER a solution.
I used to feel like that. I even was close to attempting. It's not worth it.
Just be optimistic and things will get better.
Don't be put down by what your family may say.
Just keep in mind when every one in the world has turned their back on you, keep in mind you still have us. (&&&)

 

I am sorry if any of this comes off as harsh, that is not my intention.

For starters, Full Spectrum is one of the most amazing things that I have ever seen come together. If you say that you are doing a poor job at it, then I hope that everything I do could that poor of a quality. Seriously, it is a great thing and you are doing a great job at it; don't let anyone tell you otherwise. And if you would like to put together a Full Spectrum team, do it! Most of us would love to help.

Next, no one is tired of you, there is no possible way they could be. Everything you have said has, guaranteed, helped somone in some way. By far, you are not the "least cool EC member". The reason people think you exaggerate is because that is what society has prewired us to believe. Now-a-days, every thing, and I do mean everything is exaggerated. Therefore, we mentally scale down what we are told because we assume it is an exaggeration. That is not your fault at all. (Cutting is REALLY bad so I am not entirely sure why people would think you are exaggerating that.)

The reason you may feel that you are never happy is this- you are slightly depressed. And when that happens, people tend to close off their minds to all happiness, causing a self-destructive circle of emotion. Keep your mind open to the good things in life, and let them carry you out of that sadness. Sometimes stupid is the best way to raise your spirits. It only seems stupid when it is observed. Emerse yourself in it, join whatever you may feel stupid, and eventually you will forget that thought and just enjoy it as it was intended to.

You cannot give up your dreams. They are the goals that we strive for. It is true that not everyone fulfills them, but they change with our lives and how we feel. To give up a dream is to give up a part of yourself,we will not let that happen. Ignore what your parents say. They are trying to live their dreams through you. But you have to live your life. Go for your dreams. Don't let anything stop them permenently. They may have to be put off temporarily, but they will start again soon. And don't let your fears of the future hinder your ambitions of today.

You said you are nothing like your father. That is good, because if you were just like your father, your family's bioligy would be stuck in the past. Live in your today. If you live someone else's today, you will be living in yesterday forever. And don't let the fact that it bugs him bug you. He has to understand you are you. You are not a branch or part of him, you are your own person and need to live as such- and he needs to realize that and get over himself.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And as such it is not worth an ounce of thought. Everyone who has ever spoken to you would be crushed if you harmed yourself in any way, shape, or form. So don't do it, not just for us or your family, but yourself.

 

Wow. That's deep. I don't know you so heres my 2c.

Disclaimer: This message is for Miaplacidus, not EC, so don't give me any shit for it, just come up with your own solution to his problem, here's mine.

I say if you are truly THAT unhappy I suggest you start smoking nature's herbals. That's right, the Mary Jane. Honestly I wouldn't suggest it if you didn't seem so desperate, and it's the best advice I got. Your situation seems permanent so I'm recommending a temporary solution.

When I started smoking pot I made so many more friends. No one cares what you look like when you have a bowl packed and ready to share with them. You could be the dorkiest guy in all the world but if you smoked weed friends would congregate around you. When you smoke you will feel happy. Things that didn't make you laugh will. Everything will seems nicer and inspire happiness into you, especially music. This is only a temporary solution, but the friends you make during this experience will be around for the count, and chances are they will have weed to smoke with you when you are feeling down. I've truly developed into a much greater, social person from smoking weed, is why I support it so much. Mind you there are lots of things that are bad about smoking weed, like it being illegal, slightly aggravated memory, and being a gateway, and a semi-addictive.

I also feel bad at times when I think "All I did today was smoke weed with my best friend and watch movies" but then I think back and really appreciate the great time we both had, and how happy and content we both were in just 'living life'. If you are anti-drug which from the looks of it it seems you are, perhaps you should question why. I'm 3 years into my college education right now and am doing great. I've been smoking weed for about 7 years. It has only slightly affected my performance but I am still succeeding and getting good grades regardless. I am not smoking today because I'm doing homework (and messing around on here), that goes to show even after 7 years I still have control.

Anyways thats what I got for this. Since I don't know you I couldn't really analyze this much further but hopefully this helped, whether you choose to smoke or not.

 

OK, first off: i am not cool! i am a total nerd. most people at school actively dislike me, because they think i'm - boring - nerdy - arrogant - frumpy - snobby - all of the above. and, sorry to other members, but i'm sure that lots of us here are somewhat outsiders. so, don't ever think you don't "fit in" here. crikey, we're a real club of the unloved. and we do not all have buckets of fun, i can tell you. i live in a shit rural town with hardly any friends, i never go out, i spend most of my time bumming around the house and daydreaming. and we are not tired of you either - i always am glad when i see your avatar because it usually means there's an interesting post coming up

i know how it feels to think that other people are more happy/successful/great than you, but it's wrong, and you know why? everyone feels like that sometimes. there's a girl i know who i used to really envy. she's rich, clever, arty, incredibly pretty, popular, loving family, the works. compared to her, i felt like such a useless dolt. but guess what? she has severe anorexia. she won't eat or drink. her family are so worried about her. she is obviously going through something awful. but i would never know this if her sister hadn't told me. she would still look like the perfect girl, much better than me in every way. but that is such a fallacy, because clearly she's very unhappy. and she feels unworthy compared to others, which is why she has anorexia. it's a vicious cycle! everybody feels bad compared to everyone else. so try not to think like that, because no, we're not any better than you. seriously. (and i have not made this girl up. i swear she's a real person i know).

I think the biggest problem for you sounds like your parents. they sound terribly unsupportive, and frankly, no offence, but they are not doing their job properly. and if you have such negative parents, no wonder you feel so depressed. it really sounds like you have got in a bad state what with your parents' oppression, your lack of self confidence and your crushed dreams. but you can get out of this. first, try and remind yourself every day that you are a human being, and as such, have inherent worth. you, as compared with an inanimate rock, are fabulous! so that's one up. second, it's not even as if you are the most messed up person: have you killed or raped anyone recently? no? well, that's you above several millions of other humans already then. third, have you ever done anything good to spread happiness for others? well, i can answer that: yes, because you contribute so much here. so those three facts all point to one thing: you are so precious! you are a positive force in this world! and whatever else is true, you have value and worth.

once you have got a feeling of your worth, try and look for happiness in small things. every day, think more about a tiny thing you go past and how wondeful it is. a mother hugging her child. some flowers. a funny cartoon. a cute guy. all of these things are small reminders of how great it is to be alive and not an inanimate rock. break your time down into enjoying the little things, or keep at diary of little things each day, to look back on when you feel bad.

and please try to understand that you have unigue gifts and abilites to offer the world that nobody else can. your parents may not realise this, but it's self-explanatory really: nobody else can do miaplacidus like you. find something, anything, that you can do well and are proud of. even if it's something as tiny as putting your socks on with your eyes closed, or running along the street without touching the cracks. then try and work out the bigger things you excell at, whatever they may be. the point is, you have special talents and possibilities at every level which only you can bring to fruition. you just have to find them and work on them.

i hope that some of those suggestions help. feel free to ignore any/all of them if they sound like bullshit. but i guess my main points would be: you have real worth. concentrate on the small things, and the big things will come. and don't let your parents get you down. oh and, please please please, do not kill yourself. nobody else can be miaplacidus for us - we need you! and also remember that you have so much life ahead of you. in 10 years time, you may have overcome your depression and have much happiness in your life. never lose hope. suicide is the biggest enemy because it is despair - and once you have despaired you can be sure as hell you'll never be happy. if you hang on to life, you can fight it out and maybe you'll find something better! (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*)

 

I have been taking a break from EC recently but I just popped in and saw your post and wanted to reply. What I want to say is - depression is an illness, and much of the way you are feeling is because of that, and not because of the way things really are. I have lost a friend to suicide due to depression, who had everything going for them, and who was completely loved by their friends and family, yet none of this kept them in this world. What I want to say is, try and somehow see the way you feel as the result of an illness, rather than as an actual reflection of the state of your life - people do like you, you're not uncool (which in fact, is a stupid thing to say, as I'm sure most of us on this board would not consider ourselves "cool" anyhow. I certainly am totally "uncool", bullied most of my life, etc etc). You're certainly not hated by us all here, and the way you see the world is a result of your brain chemicals, not the result of the way your world actually is. You would be missed, and let me tell you this also - suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Suicide leaves no room for improvement, no room for hope, no room for a future dawn or a future of any description. So please, I know you say you can't seek help, but try to; and also, don't ever think you are bothering people by voicing these thoughts - I would much rather you were voicing these thoughts and that you saw that people cared, than that one day, we just never heard from you again. I really mean that. And please, please, try and remind yourself that what you see is a reflection of your mind's eye, rather than a reflection of your actual world; that depression is an illness, and that your life is, actually, worth living. And also remind yourself that there are people who get over depression and these feelings - so please hang on in there. Try and find something, anything, to be your lifeline. But I really hope you realise that none of us here thinks badly of you, finds you annoying, or anything you say - and that there are people who care for you. I really hope you start to feel better soon.

 

I have recommended several times reading or watching "The Secret". Once again I'm going to go by the laws of attraction and say the answer is positive thinking.

I myself am uh, sorta a loser...I don't fit into any particular 'group' at school and when people ask who my close friends are I find it hard to give an answer, as my only close friends are my friends in Dubai, not at school in England. But the fact is, I know that I am true to myself and be myself, and that's all that matters because it's who I am. So you should do the same, be proud of who you are, be confident in you good traits and maybe show them off a little. I'm sure there are plenty of good things about you, including running Full Spectrum (which by the way is awesome).

Don't say you're the 'least cool' EC member. Ask yourself, what's cool? Is cool some sort of definition that you either are or aren't? No. Cool is being yourself, acting like yourself, and being your own unique personality. EC wouldn't be the same without you. Just for being you, you ARE cool.

I am so sorry for what you're going through with your family and stuff. Unfortunately there's not really much I can say on that subject but I do hope things get better. I'm sorry you feel you want to die, and I really hope that worst does not come to worst. You dying would make me and all the other EC members soooo sad.

Just think - when you're at rock bottom, the only place you can go is up.

 

Rightio, first off - how are you unpopular? You are the maker of FSM which EVERYONE here appreciates. Online friends are just as important as "real-life" friends, and you have an endless supply here. Since when is being a nerd bad? I'm a nerd and couldn't be happier - you've just got to stop letting society tell you what is good and bad about you, and find what YOU like and enjoy, instead of letting them shape you.

I must admit it's not very good of your father to put what you do down like that, but the worst thing is that it seems to be working! Do what you love and love what you do - everything you've stated is a result of the outside influences getting under your skin.

Applovr has great advice - you need to consciously remind yourself each day of what you're good at, and if you can't think of anything it's because you're not trying. Put the effort in and you can be good at almost anything! You don't need to b good at what your mother or father want, but at what you want to be good at.

FSM1 was awesome, and you've got a great flair for design and journalism - there's something you're GREAT at already, and I've been looking forward to FSM2 since reading #1.

If you want to put together a real FSM team, I'd love to join! I've almost got the PSP version of FSM1 done, and would love to work with you on future issues.

So basically, you've got to stop letting the negative outside influences control you and your perception of yourself.

Just a final note - Sorry Nicvcer, but best not to start smoking anything. It does have lots of long-term consequences. Just smoking it twice doubles your chance of schizophrenia later in life, so best not to risk it.

 

First off, let me say that you are far from the least coolest person here. Secondly, to reiterate what has already been said, stop apologizing!!! These forums are here so people can talk and say what they feel, and the rest of us are here to help each other out!!!! We care about you adn we want to help!!!

I loved Full Spectrum. I never read magazines, and I never read articles online, but I read this one and I completely loved it. Everyone appreciates all you do for this site so much. I am not avoiding you, and I never will.

Don't try and force yourself to have fun. I'm sorry about your view on life, and that you are stuck in Uruguay. To be so young, and yet to have given up hope. I don't have any ideas for how you can get out of Uruguay.....but please...if you really want to get out, don't stop trying.

I'm so sorry about your family. But, don't let what they say bring you down. Live for yourself and try and focus on how you feel, and not on others' negative feelings. Please please please don't try and solve your problems the way that you see as the only way.

Death is not the answer. Please. People would not be better without you. You list having to take care of your parents as one reason why you cnnot leave. You can;t say that and say they would be better without you.

And, look at everyone here. Would we be better without you? No. No, No, No!!!

Don't you see how much we care? We don't want you to apologize, we want to help, and we most certainly do NOT want you dead. Please don't hurt yourself.

Please. Don't. We love you, and we value your life too much.

 

It's very strange. Two of my favourite people on EC following each other on the Support and Advice menu,both not wanting to live .
Fred,if I may call you that,I see warm,caring sensitive guy.In your pictures I see a brooding person deep in thought.There's a bit of Montgomery Cliff in your look.Also there's a sense of Jack Kerouac the writer hero of my youth.You are very handsome,yes and with a tiredness of too much introspection.
You can do whatever you want.It's within your power.

There's a book called "Feeling Good" by David d. Burns. It's about cognitive therapy. He says we have a thing called automatic thoughts in which we've trained ourselves to think negative thoughts.He has a program to change that thinking.
Another option is depressioncenter.net which is an internet program with qualified health care professionals guiding you through it's program.
Fred! There's many options to get out of the pain your feeling.
There's so many people here who care deeply that you find someway to end the hurt.
I've been there and there is a positive place on the other side.Choose to be satisfied....

 

If my parents treated me the way your parents treat you, I'd be telling them to start saving for their retirement now, cuz they'll be on their own!

You don't HAVE to do anything that you don't want to do. I know my options are likely far greater than yours, based on my age, financial status, the country in which I live, etc. But things certainly hold more promise than you're presenting them here.

Good luck!

 

Don't worry. I am not cool.

 

(*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*)

 

*hugs*

 

Miapladicus, life is very imperfect. Don't be too hard to yourself, and don't blame yourself too much, the feeling of guilt will be even more amplified.

Just let it go, do something that you like, or pick up a new hobby! That will at least help boosting/restoring back your self-confidence.

About 2 years ago, I had the same problem - medium-level depression and almost going to take antidepressents. Well, I had a rough time in my school life before, and my A-Levels results are pretty not that good, and founding myself to be extremely incapable. The worst thing is, I couldn't think, and couldn't concentrate. And I ended up working 1 day and then resigned because depression almost took control of my mind.

Later I picked up a new hobby - building up PC and messing around with computers. My depression slowly went away and felt so good! When I entered university, I was back on track again!

 

Feel better Fred. (*hug*)

 

awe! feel better friend...i have felt similar to what you are feeling...except those were the 4 years b4 i was out to my parents...i would feel so bad about myself and drink alot...i am not done drinking away my ambitions in life and want to succeed and further myself!...i think you should start saving up money...and get out of that place! it seems like you are constantly surrounded by negative energy and that is not good!...save up some money and move to the UNITED STATES and get enrolled in a community college cause they are inexpensive and noone really judges you there cause everyone is in the boat..everyone is just trying to get their lives moving forward...get a degree and then find a job and happyness will soon follow as you meet new friends...:lol:

ps..if you are strapped for money...their is another way to get out of your country....their is a program called ...EUPAIR...its a foreign babysitter job program thing...foreigners from all over teh world are hirded by ppl in the United States to come over and live with them for a year taking care of their children when they are away at work...you get payd and live in the United states and all your expenses are payd for by the family...and you get to MEET NEW PPL! AND OTHER EUPAIRS ASWELL...I know all this because when i was younger we had many Eupairs from all over the world come live with us and take care of me and my 2 brothers for a year at a time...iv had eupairs from Norway,Denmark,sweden,Hungary,Portugal and more!...LOOK INTO THAT PROGRAM! YOU CAN GET AWAY FROM THAT NEGATIVE ENERGY! AND IF YOUR PARENTS ARE THE WAY YOU DESCRIBED THEM AS BEING...THEN SCREW THEM! THEY DONT DESERVE YOU...YOU ARE BETTER THAN HOW THEY MAKE YOU FEEL!

 

(*hug*) I'm really not great at giving advice, but ever since joining this site, I don't think I've ever seen anyone here be rude to you... And from what I've seen, you're a good person, you just need to believe in yourself like everyone else has said. How could so many of us be wrong?