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Need help, cannot cope much longer. . .

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Withinthecage, Nov 7, 2012.

  1. Withinthecage

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    Hello, to everyone on the EC forums, i have just joined to get some help, anyone my counsellers are not helping in any way shape or form and i cannot go on much longer.i have a terrible pain in my heart its like a large stone is placed on my chest ALL day EVERYDAY. Ive had this pain in my chest for over 5 months .. when it started ...

    I first started to question my sexuality after ... "the dream" i had a homosexual dream, engaging in homosexual acts. to make matters worse it was someone who i know... i woke up after the dream and was in a sweat, upset,angry and VERY confused. i was thinking to myself .. "what on earth just happened" .. "did i just dream that" ?? and ever since i had the dream i have been obsessing, questioning my own sexuality. ive really had enough.

    when im on the computer or outside i do not look at men atall, i am looking at woman. so why on earth is my mind tricking me into thinking that i am gay ??

    im not having recurring homosexual thoughts, its the question my mind is asking me .. am i gay ? i even look in mirrors or shout it out to myself "am i gay ?" but i look back on how i was in love with a very attractive woman back in high school i dont see her now, but when i do on facebook my heart races and i think of all the nice thoughts about how i used to love this woman with all my heart.and then a few hours later .. i ask myself am i gay.

    i ask the question to myself over 10-20 times a day morning and night. but its never thoughts of engaging in homosexual sex. i can never in a million years see myself dating and engaging in sex acts with another man. i am not a homophobic person but i detest the idea of doing those things with a man it makes my face scowl in anger/disguss.

    i am here on the EC forums to seek help from another gay man or anyone who can help me. i have never been in a relation ship with a woman although i wanted to back in high school with that woman .. lol. but how i have left i have become a recluse. i dont have a job and im wasting away at home. i suffer from extreme depression and anxiety i am currently taking medication for the two but nothing seems to work ..

    I have thought about suicide. i have a rope under my bed which no one knows about and there is a forest near my house and i have even picked out a tree which i will use for my suicide ( this was a long time ago, around 4 years ago, not recelntley because of these current events ) . . . i cannot go on with this pain in my chest and in constant worry of my well being and future . . . i seek help from you people on EC . . . please . . . i need some help . . .


    **i . . . have observed gay pornogrophy and did not like it one bit... but the strange thing is i had an erection . . . why ? the only reason i can think of this is . . . well . . . the woman who i loved in highschool had . . . a very thin figure and i am attracted to woman who are very thin. i think it is whats going on it is i am trying to emulate on having sex with this woman and i am attracted to thin people bodies .. i dont know . . **

    thank you for taking time to read my plight, i hope to read messages from you people on here. thank you . . .
     
  2. BudderMC

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    First off, how old are you? Out of high school obviously, but beyond that the stage you're at in your life affects the feasibility of the advice I get. If you have any other background that may be helpful, it might not hurt to post that too (i.e. if you come from a homophobic family, religion, culture, etc.).

    The bottom line is that someone classifies themselves as "gay" if they're sexually attracted to men. If you watched gay porn and you got an erection, I'd call that being sexually attracted. Your justification of being attracted to that because the guys were really thin could be swung the other way: perhaps you were attracted to really thin women because they were closer to men.

    A more important question is: do you get sexually attracted to women?

    As for your depression and anxiety, if you feel your medication isn't working, perhaps it's time to talk to someone about switching to a different prescription. In addition, if your counsellor is not being helpful, perhaps it's time to try and find another counsellor. Even if you don't have the option of finding another counsellor, do you have someone else you could talk to? A family member or close friend maybe?

    It's not uncommon to dislike the idea of being gay, even if you aren't homophobic, many members here have gone through that, so don't feel like you're alone in this thought. It may be beneficial to read up about the 5 stages of grief, which can be used to describe the thought process behind accepting yourself.
     
  3. Withinthecage

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    -i am 19 years old and non of my family members are gay, not one of them.

    -answer to the question, yes i get sexually attracted to women. i have done my whole life. but untill recently i have had my doubts.

    -the thing is i dont want to be gay, its not the person who i want to be, i cannot imagen myself doing anything like that .. i am very confused ..
     
  4. BudderMC

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    But why can you not imagine yourself like that? If you're not homophobic, what's holding you back?

    Also, if you're still sexually attracted to women, it's quite possible that you're bisexual. Again, only you can really answer that, and that's dependent wholly on how honest you're being with your attractions.
     
  5. Ticklish Fish

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    Ok, chill out.
    Over thinking something is not helping at all. Calm down yourself and go back to your whatever you do in a normal day.

    Sexuality takes time, and everyone goes through it. Give yourself time. Maybe you "just" find this one guy attractive and have a sexy dream. I mean, you still have had attraction to this girl, but you couldn't break down that barrier or something?

    I am not expert on this, but have you tried getting out of that recluse state and get a job or something? Holiday season is around so seasonal jobs might open up. Being alone for too long is not good anyways.

    *hug*

    I'll stop the post here for now and see your response.

    (hey, I am 19 too! lol)
     
  6. Withinthecage

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    I guess ... i do over think things .. you should have seen me when i thought i had aids .. oh man .. * facepalm* i held that in me from being 7 years old to 13 years old ...

    Yes your right, staying in my bedroom all day is not going to help my condition, and my mental health. but i do not have the confidence to go out and get a job let alone talk to anyone .. i get shy when i talk to women. but one thing i have not said ..

    i was in college doing a plastering course. i did not like it and i never saw a woman i was surrounded by men. so i had no contact with a woman my age for over 3 years . . . and still to this day since 2010 i have not spoken to a woman my age .. does that contribute to my confusion of my sexuality ??

    ( i was no way had any sexual thoughts or questioning my sexuality whilst i was in college, it was only recently when i had this dream)
     
  7. Ticklish Fish

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    Well, start with gaining confidence to talk to... anyone! people you're not attracted to, people you're attracted to, people same age as you, people older than you, younger than you, female, male, etc. !

    Building confidence takes time.. and While I cannot be the one to vouch it since I am going through loneliness myself in college... XD Take advantage of the opportunity when you can talk. Say thank you or something when you go shop. Have a small chat. Just start building up little chit chats
     
  8. BudderMC

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    Contributes to your confusion? Probably. Affects what your sexuality is? No.

    The fact that you do or don't talk to women doesn't affect who you're sexually attracted to.

    Well, even if you can't get a job, you should try and get involved in something. Maybe volunteering or a club or something. Staying in your room really won't help anything. It may not solve your sexuality problems, but it's much more likely to do some good than bad.
     
  9. pinklov3ly

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    When I was 19, I was going through the same exact thing that you are going through now. I think your obsessive thoughts are consuming you and making you believe that you are gay. You could very well be gay, but based on what you've said, I don't think so. I started questioning myself when I was 17 after I had a dream about a woman, but it wasn't sexual. And then I had remembered that I used to crush on my friends and teachers growing up. Although, I suppressed my feelings for women. I mean, some people find out that they are gay later on in life, but I think you can relax because you don't sound like you are gay. Being gay isn't the worst thing that could happen to you, I think it changes some of us for the better. It's such a difficult thing for us to accept, but as humans we learn to adapt. Perhaps, you should get out more; I have noticed that when I'm more of a homebody, I'm filled with a ton of anxiety.
     
    #9 pinklov3ly, Nov 7, 2012
    Last edited: Nov 7, 2012
  10. Withinthecage

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    Thank you for your kind words,