-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (I copied this from the introductions forum, as I realized this would probably be a better place for this) Hello everyone, My name is Mel. I found this website in a search for information about the coming out process. I am heterosexual and happily married. My younger brother, who is almost 18, came out to me today. Apparently outside of our younger brother who is 15, and some of his friends, I am the only one who knows. I assured him that I completely accept him and love him (I had wondered for awhile if he was gay, but knew he would tell me when he was ready). I have a sister who is 21 and she does not know. She is less likely to take it as well. My parents also do not know. My parents are very religious and my brother is afraid to tell them. I assured him that when he was ready, we could do it together, as a family if he wants. My husband and I and my younger brother are very supportive of him and I tried to remind him of that. I guess this all just feels very heavy. I am so proud of him for coming out, and I truly feel honored that he felt safe enough to tell me. I guess it just feels heavy because I know that when he does tell my parents, it will be very difficult. I am also scared because my brother told me that he has been to the point of being extremely suicidal in the past, because he felt so isolated and unwanted. I love him so much and I would be a wreck if he ever tried to hurt himself. I'm hoping that now that he is feeling more comfortable (enough to tell me anyways) that he is at less risk for self harm. I am also scared because my mother has worried so much in the past that my brother is gay, and I have tried to assure her that no matter what, he is her son and she will love him. I think deep down she knows he is gay but is just not ready to admit, especially because she knows it will be so hard on my father. This is a bit jumbled but that is how my feelings are right now. I also think I am in a little bit of shock. I am so proud of my brother for being able to do this, but I am also very overwhelmed. Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much!
Hello, Mel welcome to EC. You are a grate big sister to your brother. I think all you really can do is be supportive of him and tell how much you care about him. If you have you own place I hope tell him that he is always welcome to stay with you and your husband as long as he needs to. maybe go to a Pflag meeting with him or go to the lgbt center with him. With him being extremely suicidal in the past, I would tell him that he can call you day or night, also are you are you familiar with the Trevor Project? The Trevor Project is the leading national organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgende As far as you parents go I wouldn't say anything until he want's to come out.
First off, welcome to EC! Secondly, it's absolutely awesome to hear that you're so supportive of your brother. And now, onto the advice! I think a good place to start (for either you, your brother, or even your family (or for your understanding of them)) would be the 5 stages of grief. These stages are usually seen in the process of someone accepting someone's sexuality, and is quite relevant when you really think about it. I don't think there's much you can (or need to) do besides just keep being absolutely supportive. Let your brother know that you're there for him no matter what and that you're a resource at his disposal. Don't worry too much about your mom or the rest of your family; again, it's his decision if/when to come out. Just be ready to support him and let him know that you can help if he wants. If you do want, you could probably continue sticking up for him the way you have been so far, that's non-intrusive and something you would do regardless, so it won't tip anyone off to anything (i.e. the "he's your son and you should love him no matter what" thing). Also, it's probably good (for you) to keep in mind that not much is going to change with your brother. He'll probably be more open towards you, but beyond that he's the same-old same-old. I get why the news might be shocking, but just remind yourself that it really doesn't need to be a big deal. Everything will seem more normal in time.
Well you did a good job in being there and being supportive of your brother. Reassurance is a great thing to give to those who may feel alone and helpless. There's not too much advice I can give accept just keep being a supportive sister ya know. And certainly be there with him when he comes out to your parents and sister so he knows that he ain't gotta be alone in it. And he's gotta know that he lives life for himself, and not for anyone else, as harsh as that may sound. But stay strong for your bro, you're a good sister. ^^ (Decided I'd copy my post from the previous thread)
(Thought I'd move my comment here from the previous thread as well ) Welcome to EC. It's nice to meet you and your brother is very lucky to have you I think that for right now, the very best thing you can do is continue to be there for him. It sounds like, from what you've written here, that you made it extremely clear that you love him and that it changes nothing between the two of you. I can imagine how scared and alone he probably feels from person experience and I know how much it helped me when I started to come out to know that the people I told were behind me through thick and thin. It gave me a lot of strength. I also think it's a good idea for you to be there when he tells your parents. I'm still struggling with telling my father anything about myself, but when I came out to my mother as Trans, I brought my sister along for moral support, and just having her there made it so much easier for me to do it. I think for something that difficult, the more supporters he has around him, the better. The last advice I'll give is not to pressure him. It doesn't sound like you are right now. You made a point of telling him that "when he's ready" you'll be there for him with your parents, so that's excellent. He'll know when it's time, much like he obviously did when he told you. Coming out, even when you think it's going to go well is scary. Coming out when you believe it's going to go badly is terrifying, so it'll be completely up to him to make that call about when the time is right. Aside from that, like I said, just keep being there for him and making sure he knows he has your support. That alone can make the biggest difference. On the self harm front, I couldn't say for certain where he's at right now without knowing him and talking to him, but the fact that he's coming out, and the acceptance he's receiving from you and the others he's told are definitely a good sign. Good luck!
thank you all so much for the kind words. I am so glad to hear that I am approaching this the right way. Ever since my brother was little, we have always had a very special bond. I helped teach him to read and helped raise him. I am just going to continue to foster that relationship and let him know above all that I love him and I am here. I think my own reaction is something I am trying to work through. It isn't shock in the sense that I had never suspected. It is more shock at the fact that my suspicions are now a confirmed reality. And also he told me almost out of nowhere, though now looking back at our conversations over the last couple of months, he was prepping me I just said a prayer and thanked God that I was ready and able to be what my brother needed from me today. I've been becoming much more passionate about the LGBT cause in the last year after working very closely with a client who identified as male to female transgender, and helping her in the last year of her life. I was just in a debate with someone about gay marriage this past weekend, and found myself getting even more disgusted than usual at people's blatant ignorance and lack of tolerance. (I blame that rage on also starting my first year of graduate social work study lol...I am becoming much more aware of EVERYTHING now). All in all, I am grateful for the opportunity to be that support for my bro. I guess I just needed validation that I am doing this right! And I feel that I have gotten that. Thank you!
Also maybe you should tell him about this site. I know you are there for him! but something it's better to talk to people who have / still are there.
You mentioned your parents are very religious. When your brother comes out to them you might want to have them watch Prayers for Bobby on YouTube. It deals with a religious family that has difficulty accepting that one of their sons is gay.
I just looked it up and I can't remember if I have seen this movie before. I feel like I saw it in one of my classes in school at some point. I myself would like to watch it again regardless. Thanks for the suggestion!
First, as others have said, you are an amazing sister to be so accepting and supportive. I'll I could say is to make sure he knows that you are there for him and that you are an open ear to listen anytime.
Hi everyone, I just wanted to update everyone about my brother. Tonight, he came out to my parents, and it actually went surprisingly well. My dad took it kinda hard but my mother took it very VERY well!! My brother feels so much better now that it is out, and I am so proud of him! Thank you everyone for helping me to be helpful and supportive to my brother!!
