There have been a few problems as of late. I feel like I should be stronger, and more confident for others, but everything just went wrong tonight. My dad sent my mom a letter today, saying that he’ll pay for a ton of stuff if he can talk to me…read all about that in the links below if you want. If you want the gist of it he disowned me and now wants me back, but he keeps trying to get to me and he just won’t take no for an answer. My mom is in a bit of a financial bind as it is, and for my dad to do that is just so low. He also came to the door a few days ago in the middle of the night. It was terrifying. Coming out story: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-stories/68564-bad-really-really-bad.html Aftermath: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/support-advice/68669-my-dad-has-disowned-me.html On top of this, my mom told me that gay marriage is wrong today…that’s just great…a few days earlier, she commented on my LGBT themed short story that I submitted to a writing festival contest, and said that the story didn’t have much going for it, and that it will be hilarious if I win, because it will show that the judges are suckers for a gay story. Plus, my mom’s been monitoring this site for my posts to see what I’m saying, but I just don’t care about that anymore I guess. There’s a guy that I like, and I can’t stop thinking about him and whether he is gay or straight or whether he likes me or not, and I can’t stop thinking about being in relationships and about how completely lonely I am in that regard. Living in a small town doesn’t help…I can’t look at other relationships without wanting to cry. I had to leave a school dance early recently because I just couldn’t take watching all of these couples having so much fun. Plus…that guy was there. I’m having trouble accepting myself as I am. I don’t like the way that I am. I’m just so alone right now and I can’t talk to anyone because it’s so awkward and all I can do is write and write to keep my mind off of things so that I can just disappear from everything for a while. I’m lost, and breaking down a lot, disappearing into bathrooms at school just to cry. It’s not going well, even with all of the counseling I’ve been going through. I don’t know why I’m writing this. I suppose I already know most of the answers I’m going to get. I just needed to do this. That’s all. I thought I was stronger than this, but I guess not. I just need a shoulder to cry on.
ok, i don't know what coments I can make on the part with your mom and dad crisis... but i'll do whatever i can.
(*hug*) It's perfectly understandable to feel the way you're feeling. The lack of support from your parents must cut very deeply. You should not regard yourself as weak because you're having a painful reaction to the fact that the two people who ought to love you most in the world are rejecting you because of the gender you're attracted to, which (a) you can't control and (b) is a stupid reason to treat you badly even if you could control it. As you said to your father, you can't be responsible for your parents' feelings: this is something that they need to work through on their own. The impression I get from their responses (esp. your dad) is that they imagine if they bombard you with enough negativity in regards to your sexuality, you'll give up and just live life as a heterosexual. So in a very important sense, that battle is already won: you are out, and from what you've told me, you are not going to back down from who you are. That takes serious strength and courage, which I think you should give yourself major credit for. I don't know how long your parents will be willing to keep this campaign up, but as far as you are able, be kind to them: provide positive feedback to any positive development on their part, and continue to calmly assert that their negativity is not going to change you. I think that for the short term it would be best to continue cutting contact with your father. As far as the guy you like: enjoy the attraction you're experiencing, but I want you to think very, very carefully about why you think a romantic relationship will give you what you want. We're indoctrinated from when we're very young to believe that this is the Ultimate Happiness, but that is not the case in the vast majority of situations. To be sure, loneliness can be painful, but so can having a partner: all states of life have positive and negative aspects. Don't look to this very particular kind of relationship with other people to give you fulfillment. It is a far more worthy investment to fall in love with the person that you'll automatically be spending the rest of your life with: yourself. The desire you have to to feel loved is perfectly natural, but don't get ahead of yourself with this guy: don't build up some version of him in your head and invent some deep connection between you two that may not actually exist. Instead, try befriending him. Talk to him. Take things one step at a time. See if he is actually interested in being friends/something more with you. More importantly, see if he's actually a cool person that you enjoy hanging out with. Why don't you like yourself? What specifically are you struggling with? Don't underestimate friends/other family members: however awkward it seems to you, odds are that if they care about you, they will rise to the occasion and provide you with some support. And of course we're always here when you need us (*hug*)
Small town life is no fun for a homo. Know at least there are other people going through the same, and that once you leave it will get better. Loneliness can only be solved by fully coming out. As for your parents, all I can do is say I feel for you man, I have no idea what that would feel like, but it must be crap. Your parents seem like sick sadistic people. Honestly, point that out to your mother, she takes pleasure in your unhappiness, what an utter fucking cunt. Try looking up stress relieving techniques. I didn't and let my stress build up and now I get angina from time to time, and most likely will suffer a heart attack in the future.
Well, I look at this post now and realize that I was really depressed last night. Probably a bit overly. That tends to happen from time to time. Sorry for posting this. Things are better now that I was able to have that moment. Although the stuff up there is true, I feel a bit embarrassed now that I posted this. Sorry. :icon_sad: :lol:
I'm glad you're feeling better. And there's no need to feel embarrassed: these were quite reasonable things to be upset over. Remember, you don't always need to project strength.
