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Not really fitting in with the bigger lgbt community...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by snowflurry, Nov 9, 2012.

  1. snowflurry

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    Sexual Orientation:
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    So I went to the lgbt center about a week ago, and this was the 3rd time I'd gone. The first time I was super nervous and kind of ended up leaving after like 10 minutes without really doing anything. The second time I actually stayed for a group discussion and it was okay...but I just felt really out of it. Like I guess I'm not comfortable in general talking about my sexuality even though I thought I was. Or I guess I am, but only with my friends. Like I've never been asked so directly questions like "so, what, are you gay?" "have you ever cut yourself?" (okay I realize that one's not sexuality-related, but. I was asked that.) And I realize these are normal questions, but it kind of just caught me off guard, I guess. And I'm very very open with my friends, it's just that it's different when people you don't know ask you these questions.
    Also I knew they had counseling so I talked to an adult there but it was not really helpful, exactly. I don't mean to sound like an asshole because I know it's not like these people are professionals and that they're totally doing their best but it's just that they would just ask questions ("what qualities about yourself do you like? do you ever feel like you have final issues? are you in a relationship?") and I'd answer the questions but they really just wouldn't dig deep. Like I know it's a problem of mine that I have trouble trusting adults, but in the end as they're rattling off questions I would mostly just end up lying ("yeah, I'm so comfortable with my sexuality. no, I've never felt depressed at all. i get along so great with my family!") which is stupid because it's like, who would they tell this all to anyway?
    But more than that, I noticed that the people themselves (like the other teenagers) are just very different from I people I know and hang out with-- like the people at my school. So I decided to give the center a third try (this being a week ago) and went again, did a group type thing again. But again, I noticed that I just really don't seem to fit in at all. These people are all just so outlandishly different from people I normally associate with...and I know, I should get to know them and get along with them anyway. But the thing is, I don't know if it's really worth it.
    Everytime I get out of the center, I keep thinking, "I'm never coming back here again." and after three times, I really think I should stop. It's not like I'm not comfortable with other gay people- I do have other lgbt friends, but they're also not like the people I've found at the center. Maybe this place just attracts a certain kind of person?? I feel like by going to the center, I was sort of just forcing myself into being involved with the lgbt community...but in reality, that might not be working out so well for me. And then I feel guilty because I feel like maybe I should give it another chance?
    I don't really know. I mean, the people there aren't really an accurate representation of the entire larger lgbt community, obviously...But I don't have many other places to turn to to be involved in it. But the more I think about it the more I feel maybe this was all too forced and I'm taking it too fast?

    Sorry this turned out to be so long and rambling!! If you have any insight on any of this feel free to spill :slight_smile:
     
  2. Keelin

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    This will seem off topic at first, but bear with me:

    My parents would always tell me when I was little to "eat my food, some child in Africa is starving" and obviously we have all heard this at one time or another. I think the same thing applies here. You should feel so lucky to be able to get to go to these centers and talk to people who can identify with you.
    That being said, it isn't absolutely necessary to meet face to face with lgbt'ers, because you have EC, however I think if you try just a little more, you can become comfortable with the environment. If you have ever moved somewhere, or changed schools, you can relate. You [most likely] wouldn't have liked it at first, but after a while you would get used to it. I personally would force myself to go until I made a few friends, and learned somebody else's story before making a decision to leave.

    Hope this helps,

    ~K
     
  3. RueBea85

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    I think this could be a mix of things. You may be uncomfortable because you don't know the people very well. I know for me, it takes a long time to open up to other people when I'm in a group. It may be that these aren't the right people for you, there's just some people we don't really click with, and others we do.

    You may also not be comfortable talking about your sexuality so openly. You could always try to make a friend or two from the group, maybe see if someone has something in common with you and talk to them more one on one. I find it's easier to open up when I talk to people one on one, it feels like there is less pressure.

    This is a new thing so may take some getting used to. Maybe give it a few more tries? I think everyone has their own insecurities and it may just take some time for others to open up to you. Some people are more wary of new people. Anyway, I hope this helps! (*hug*)
     
  4. AAASAS

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    Don't worry about it, I never took part in this crap cause I am not one to do so. The type of person that joins a group or community based on similar interests for any kind is not the type of person I want to hang out with. These people enjoy forced companionship, I'd rather go off and make companions on my own.

    LGBT centres seem like they would be filled with fake support, and Hallmark sayings.

    You don't get along with them because you get along with people in general, not people that are so obsessed with what their genitals match up with that they have to join a group to talk about it.

    I wouldn't go back, you gave it a try, it's not for everyone, you clearly would rather be part of your ACTUAL community than some fabricated one.

    Have you joined clubs and groups outside of the GBLT one? I not that should answer your question. Your not an exclusive club/group type of person. I've always found organized interest groups to be perplexing. They accept you solely on one factor, and that's all it takes to get in. Seems kinda weird.
     
    #4 AAASAS, Nov 9, 2012
    Last edited: Nov 9, 2012
  5. Gen

    Gen
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    Hmm, It definitely could be that they are just not your crowd. It sounds it may be a bit more of self-help than socializing and it could easily feel awkward if you dont feel that you can relate to them. Had this of been after the first ten minute run, I would have said that you should try a few more times, but after three times it just may not be for you.

    Dont feel bad, its not the same as quiting. You are just testing the waters and think you should try another lake. You're seventeen so you will have many other options to seek other LGBT clubs in college, in new areas, etc.
     
  6. BudderMC

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    Woah now, joining a group because you have similar interests or something to relate to is not the same as "forced companionship". Friends are made based on things like similarity and proximity. So unless you're telling me that all of your friends are absolutely, 100% different from you in every way, then yes, these groups apply.

    The point of these groups is to go somewhere where you know you'll have something in common with the people there. It's not for everyone, but that's what it's for. I don't go to my photography club often because I don't like talking about photography much even if I'm into it, but I try and keep in the loop through them. Hell, I might meet someone interesting there.

    Same applies for a LGBT center, if not moreso. You go there and you know that the people there are either very similar to you or will at least be supportive. Now the difference between a LGBT center and a club/group is that for some people, being LGBT is not a defining point of their lives and not something they want to talk about all the time. That's why I don't want to go to mine: I find enough support/conversation in my other friends and EC that I don't need that. It's for some people, not everyone.

    And @WooEEE, I hope you realize that EC is a group centered around the idea of being LGBT. The only difference is that we highly value anonymity and we're not people you see IRL. Is it really that different?

    That said, if you've tried it and it's not for you, then don't feel obligated to go. Maybe that specific group isn't for you; maybe all LGBT groups aren't for you. Regardless, there's no sense in feeling forced to do something just because you have the opportunity to.
     
  7. Lewis

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    There's no reason you have to fit in with them. Why limit yourself to one group? Just meet people in general. The concept of an 'LGBT Community' or 'Black Community' etc. just annoys me. We're a community as one, we talk about minority and segregation, but we plague that upon ourselves. We want people to see us the same as everybody else, yet we have parades for ourselves, flags for ourselves, so much symbolism and it's not doing anyone any favours.

    I have no issue with LGBT groups that support young people when they're struggling with their sexuality and coming out, that's understandable. I just hate the concept of a community, like we need to have our own country or something. >_<
     
  8. snowflurry

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    Hey guys, thanks for all your responses!!

    I do know I'm really lucky to have this center nearby which is why I kept thinking, hey I might as well try going. Hey I might as well give it another shot. I mean, it's just there, right? I get that a lot of people don't have something like that by them.
    The weird thing is though, I'm usually really good with meeting new people. Like I've switched schools before, gone to summer camps...but here, I kind of immediately get that feeling that these people are not really my usual crowd. You know? Which sounds terrible, I know I should be open to new things, I'm just not sure it's worth it...

    I've joined other clubs (at school), yeah, and I really enjoy those- but those are like activity type clubs (like creative writing, things like that). So it's a little different. But I agree that it's maybe just not for everyone. Like if a club existed for my ethnicity or something...I doubt I would join it.

    Yes! This is what I was thinking. Like I'm forcing myself to rush and integrate myself into the gay world when I really just have a lot more time to explore, slowly, with more options.

    Agreed, and now I really get this. I talk enough with my friends and I don't want being gay to be like this huge thing in my life. It's big, but not so big that I want to talk about it thaaaat much in depth.

    That makes me kind of uncomfortable too. Especially when I think like, how would other people see this? All my closest friends are straight and they'd never say anything even remotely insulting to me about the lgbt community but I do wonder what they think of things like the parade and whatnot...