Dumped, deployment, and death.. amongst other troubles....

I know this is probably totally random to come onto a forum I know nothing about but I'm literally sitting here having a mini breakdown with no one to talk to and found this site. I haven't posted on a forum since I was probably 19 but right now I'm at the point where I'm literally about to lose my shit if I don't get it all out. I'm trying to remember that emotional catharsis that writing gives. I know I could just type it up and save it for a secret entry in my journal but it's not that I'm trying to seek attention; I just want to know that someone somewhere can say "I've felt that too...."
So, tonight I had one of those moments where you open your phone and quite literally feel as if someone has punched you in the face. You feel a jolting shock of electricity run with such powerful force from your temples down to your spine and your skin tingles and palms start to sweat and you get dizzy and feel like the world has temporarily been jolted off its axis and not in a good way. I opened my phone to see a picture of my now ex with the girl I found out she was cheating on me with. It's so shocking and I still feel blindsided by it.
I know...it's dumb to feel so upset, but in the past month I've had 2 friends die- 1 was murdered and 1 only God knows why he took him. Oh, and I leave for my 2nd deployment to Afghanistan in 4 days. I feel like I've literally had the weight of the world just dropped onto my shoulders. I'm about to deploy and feeling like I'm at a point where I should be mentally tough and I'm just not. I'm broken and beaten down.
This past year has just been hard as well...6 months ago was supposed to be my original deployment date and me and my ex were going through another one of our "rough spots." Things started to look up and then my deployment was suddenly cancelled and once she found out I wouldn't be able to support her since I would no longer be getting deployed she quit talking to me. (I know...red flag #1) Both sets of news physically, financially and emotionally devastated me and I ended up having to call my family and suddenly move back home to come up with plan B. I lost all my friends when I moved and I ended up having to transfer units and just so happened to get into a unit that is, surprise, leaving next Wednesday for Afghanistan.
I started talking to my ex again this past summer and after HER persistent begging I agreed to take her back. I didn't see her until about a month ago when I went to Nashville. The same night I went to see her my friend was murdered by his own brother. I guess in the midst of my emotional turmoil over that I promised her I would stay faithful to her while I was gone. When I make a promise I mean it. I've never cheated in my life and have always been faithful.
Things seemed like they would be great....In spite of getting ready to deploy and news of my friend's death I felt like I finally had something to look forward too. I had someone to comfort me through my loss. I thought that maybe the past could be the past and just knowing that someone would be waiting for me back home made Afghanistan seem a little less scary.
Well about a week and a half ago...after promising me love and tons of other shitty lies, I go on facebook and see that she had deleted me and she suddenly quit answering all my calls and texts. I had no idea what was going on......I didn't know what had happened or what I had done. I know it's shitty and stalkerish of me and, yes, I went about it in quite a sneaky way. I decided to log into her facebook and found messages between her and the same girl I saw the picture of tonight. I was devastated. My mouth was dry...I had that anxiety you get where it feels like no matter where you go, it's not the right place. I tried to give her a chance to let herself out of the lie and when she wouldn't I sent her a picture of what I found. I haven't heard from her since and I've been hoping and praying it wasn't true. I've been hoping it was all just a bad dream and then tonight my stomach was turned inside out and my worst fear confirmed.
I just don't understand how someone can be so cold and heartless that they wouldn't even give you the courtesy of dumping you outright...Hell...if I hadn't decided to be sneaky I may have left the country thinking I was in love and sending the bitch money....Anyways...2 days after all this bullshit, one of the greatest men I've ever known just suddenly died. 2 close friends die, a shitty break up and deploying all shoved into one terrible ass month. I don't know if my problems seem shallow but I feel the loss of this past month just piling on top of me and with barely any friends back home to talk to I've felt totally alone.
Tonight it's all just come to a head and I literally feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm so scared of leaving this Wednesday and feeling like I'm striking out into this alone with no one at my back already dealing with the close deaths of friends. I know I have my family and a few close friends but it's not the same as having someone you think you'll spend the rest of your life with. And I know the breakup has taken the forefront of the story, probably because it's set my mind's catastrophic thinking into action, but it's a lot harder to deal with the grieving of someone's death when you're faced with the very real possibility of your own death within the next year makes it all the harder. I'm just feeling lost tonight. The biggest fear I have is being alone and right now I've never felt more alone. I don't want this to be the way I feel for the next year. I feel like I should have it all together and be strong, but right now I'm weak and just want to break down.
If anyone takes the time to read this, thank you. I know it's long but honestly it's the short version. No, I'm not suicidal either. I just needed to vent and if venting on a public forum is too much...well report me to admin. Hopefully someone can relate. Hopefully someone is listening.

 

That's what everyone says. I was single last time and it wasn't terrible. It's just a lot to deal with before leaving. I'm sorry to hear your partner passed away. That's got to be awful.

 

You're right and I know I seem kind of whiney about it. I love it and love what I do. The excitement of going overshadows the fear it's just last night the circumstances and duress I've been under have made it terrifying. I just need to buck up and prepare myself mentally rather than focusing on all the bullshit that doesn't matter.