Ok i start off my saying at this moment i just about know i'm gay maybe bi but i know gay. That's not why Im here, i'm here to find out WHY, Am i really gay or did i turn myself gay. Here me out before you start to say im in denial. THE WALL OF TEXT BEGINS I should just live my life out for what it is im gay but that harder then it seems. Im the type of person they needs a reason for everything that happens and for me to not to know this kills me inside. and if i do just start my life (get a bf) and never found out if i turn myself gay by over reading what im seeing here would just make me look like a fool to think im gay this whole time but be straight. its hard for me to talk about my feelings, ive went my whole highschool not caring about anything or what anyone thought of me. i hated myself enough there's nothing anyone could have said that would make me sad or happy but i just played day by day with a poker face on. For starters lets start at when i was little i was the happy kid ever i was always happy to meet people guys or girls i wanted to be everyone friends. ya that didnt happen because i was to much to handle to be as a friend to anyone i would talk you to death. i got over being that happy in the 6th grade but i was still a very happy person in and outside. When i hit about 6th grade i notice everyone started to if not already getting to like girls and to me they where just girls nothing more. and when i hit end of 7th and started 8th grade i notice i should start to like girls and i just played it off that i just hate all the girls there and when i hit high school i would find someone. now still remember im still that happy-go-lucky kid, up until the very last day of 8th grade i was in a room full of people i didn't know because people in that room had past the EOG (test to see if you past my grade for people who don't know what it is) and this girl i known for years growing up but never talked to her or know her name walked up to me and asked me " Are you gay" and i replyed "no", her reply was not word for word but somewhere along this..."i know thats a lie, you just need to come out the closet already, you are as gay as they get, you're a faggot " ya to others the word faggot may have hurt them but the gay as they get part hurt me the most. im talked about destroyed me i went from being happy to hating myself that fast. Not just for that day but for the rest of my life. it put a new look into my eyes i maybe gay and up until that point i had no problem with gays, i just known they where guys liking guys and they where this type of people you never meet but everyone hates. So when 9th grade started to tone it down abit and that wasn't too hard i already started to be shy so i now was this loney kid with no friends (only friends i had moved away or didnt have a class with them) when my whole 9 and mostly 10 grade with no feelings for girls. Dont know if i was just shy or what. I could talk to them but never see them in the love you lets go out way. Then i started to talk to this girl in i was good friends with but didnt realy like but i did like being around with her as a friends she basically asked me out i said yes because i need to get used to being around girls i cant be alone forever. and hey maybe i would started to have feelins for her or girls in all. We only talked on the phone and saw each other at school thats all my feelings for her never changed so i ended it. just wasnt feeling it maybe it was she was bored and never wanted to hang out or what. so i just played it off as a made pick. 12 grade i started talking another girl, more of the line of she started to talk to me but anyway she LIKE me she way crazy for me i don't know why but she never stop talking about me to her friends i was told. i still looked to her as a girl that happen to be a friend. none the less she gave me her number we talked about random things for a week then she asked me if i wanted to go out (yet again another girl asking me not me asking them) i told her give me a day to think about it. and the way i looked at is yet another girl i couldnt see myself with. so i said no i just wanted to be friends. i dont know if i was just scared of getting a gf or i really didnt like her at all. i just couldnt bring myself to yas yes for i dont know reasons. Now this whole time in highschool since i was that loner kid i was always called gay faggot and all the gay terms you could think of not because they didnt like me but because i walked gay even i notice the way i hold myself was gay like. and i just blow it off like i said nothing anyone could hurt me. now here comes the part i didnt say yet. when it came to guy in 9th grade realy didnt pay no attain to them or girls. but i wanted to act less gay so i started looking at how people my body type acted the way the walked way the dressed hair everything. and when i say someone my body type (skinny tall full head of hair) i would check them out and after a while i notice what i was doing and notice hey this may turn me gay to look at guys all day while trying to get to like girls. every time i would see a guy my body type i would automatic look away and not talk to unless spoken too. so i was blocking myself from looking at guys while trying to find the right girl. ive been out of school a year and a half now doing nothing but thinking about what my life has been like and on what im going to do next (job etc) while taking some community college classes. ya i know i need to get a job but i dont see myself doing anything good enough going to a big college or getting a job i would like and be good with. after reading my life story here what i cant find out and im asking can you help me find the answer to if i turn myself gay or am i find out im gay. Reasons i may have turn myself gay... *i may have looked at the way guys dressed and acted to act less gay so i would not get picked on too long * that and while being called gay for so long i could have started to believe it. * i was more of a momma's boy i had to rely on my mom for eveythings my dad wasnt a bad dad but he only looked out for himself that and everything my dad did regarding her kids wasn't good enough so she took care of us (me and my brother) *here comes the porn part, ya i know that porn dont mean anything but fantastic but hear me out i never care for porn at all video or story till 10 grade started reading porn sex storys and never realy got into it till i got the balls to look at a gay sex story. noticed what i was doing so i stop that. and in 11 grade i started again but with videos and yet again started to notice i was more getting turn on my the moaning and his dick then by the girl herself so i went to gay porn (why not) and started only watching that everytime like 2 times a week (not daily). i could have turn gay by just watching too much of the wrong porn. *and i know im going to get it for this but as i said i need prof for everything and i never really believed people are born gay i would think they would have proved people where born this way (please yell at me if i offended you) *again i know stereotypes mean nothing but i don't like gay typed things lady gaga type music (i like metal) and fashion (ya i looked to see what everyone was wearing but just wanted to stop looking like i was thrown away and look normal) i like old cars like i have always wanted a 57 bel air or a 69 chevelle. i like computers and xbox *i dont like or even think other guys other then my type of body (slim or skinny and hairless) are good looking and anyone over say 27 i dont like the look of, im 19 by the way *i could be just going to guys because i couldnt find the right girl and my school had alone of types of girls tail, skinny, happy-go-lucky, sad/emo, you name it never wanted to talk to them but i may have just been shy * (hate to say it) i maybe scared of girls for what ever reason * i may have been reading too many LGBT stories (not porn) and thinking i was gay too * I've never went though with anything and would hate it if i had someone then only to find out this isn't me *i was never nerves around guys only girls because i tryed to find the right girl maybe i got too comfortable around guys and started to like them * i could be going crazy (sounds about right) Reason i was gay all along and just realizing it *never had no intersect in girls still dont *walks gay acts gay its gay no mater if i know it was there all along *just about everything i say above could be turn around and by saying i was in denial *i was somehow born gay and i need a answer to why i like guys and not girls *i needed more reason not to be gay or believe i was straight for some more years I know i need to start talking to people but dating would give no answer to if i turn myself gay or not. And lastly thank you for taking the time to read my problems. and if you feel like yelling at me or telling me to man up, WHILE still giving your input on my headache i have going on.If i come up with any more reason to add to the list ill add them later ive ben typing this for 3 hours its very hurt to put my feelings into words ive been trying so long trying to prolong this topic. if you are also confused on what went on so am i it was my life and im clueless.
I'm glad you took the time to write all of that out. It sounds like this has been weighing on you for some time. (*hug*) The very short version is this: no, you did not turn yourself gay. It's true that research has not definitively proved that being gay is associated with a specific set of genes, but a solid amount of evidence points that way. I don't think we even need to resort to biological research, though, to know that our sexual orientation is not a choice. If you know of a switch that we can flip to turn ourselves straight, I'm sure that lots of members here would love to know where that is! You're labeling the effects of your sexuality as its causes. You didn't turn gay because you looked at other guys: you looked at other guys because you're gay. You didn't turn gay because you were reading/watching gay porn and LGBTQ themed stories: you enjoyed that kind of stuff because you're gay. You haven't turned yourself gay because you haven't found the right girl or are afraid of girls: you're not interested in girls because you're gay. And I think that you're 100% aware of these things as well. The thing that really stuck out for me when I was reading your story was how long it took to address the 1,000 lb. elephant in the room: you talked a lot about how you weren't attracted to girls, but you didn't mention whether or not you were attracted to guys until the very end, and even then you were attempting to attribute it to other causes. I don't think you're in denial, because you're here and you've identified yourself as gay. From my perspective, I think you're just very uncomfortable with what you're feeling and are looking for some way to be able to escape from it, to make it somehow undoable. Which, by the way, is a perfectly normal way to feel when you're coming to terms with these feelings. You've taken some very important steps. You've admitted to yourself that these attractions exist and that they're not going away. Fully accepting your identity will take time, and we're happy to offer any help we can in the meantime (*hug*)
