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You could say slightly confused...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by kajo, Nov 10, 2012.

  1. kajo

    kajo Guest

    Greetings,
    while browsing around the net to get some information about being gay, thoughts, feelings, related stories, I have stumbled across this forum and decided to give it a try.

    My current situation happens to be the following: I am applying for university next year. Lately I tend to be attracted by men. I think about them, I imagine being in a relationship with a caring boyfriend, I even catch myself enjoying gay porn. However, I am in an inner conflict. During the years, I never had a serious thing going on with women. From time to time I had a crush on one or the other, but now I am asking myself if it wasn't just to fit in, to be accepted. One part of my mind is constantly dragging in the question “Could it be that you're gay?”, the other part brings up counter theories such as “...nah, you're a straight dude, stop tricking yourself into something you're not! You have read too many influencing threads and articles”. At the same time different futures flash in front of my eyes. In some I am happily living with a guy, in the other it's a beautiful wife chatting about random stuff. (it is not as dramatic as it sounds; rather tiring and confusing)

    However, it is this inner conflict driving me apart. I feel like I need to know right now, right away...calculating consequences by the minute. I tend to force the question out of my mind as it would not be the important thing to worry about right now. You will meet the right girl...or guy (starting over again). Or maybe I'm bi...who knows? It is this status quo of being unsure about everything.

    I do not expect you, no, I do not want you to make the decision for me. It is a way too important question in my life for others to take care of.

    I am actually hoping for some advice, some help to sort out my thoughts. It's all really weird..
    Here's a thank you in advance.:icon_bigg
     
  2. Gazza123

    Gazza123 Guest

    Firstly you are right we, any of us could not make that decision for you. It is only you that can find the true answer. It is also good to note that instead of bottling up inside you're actually seeking out advice unlike me who kept it bottled up for 6 year before accepting I was gay. That is not to say your gay because you may or may not be.

    How long has this attraction to men been apparent?
    If you really think about it, can you see yourself having a full long term relationship with a guy?

    I've never had a serious relationship with a woman, hell I haven't even had a girlfriend but I knew I was gay and there was no changing it for me. I also had crush on a few but it went no where.

    You say you have a inner conflict. Are worried you may hurt a girls feelings if you start a relationship? Are you worried you maybe bi? Are you worried you maybe gay?

    I know I may have been about as much use as a fart in bucket but in all seriousness just think about those questions and if you wanna chat then am here, all if EC is here to help you.

    Just one last thing I did when I wasn't sure was for one just pretend that I was straight and see how it felt and then do the opposite and see how I felt. It's not the best advice but hopefully someone will be able do a better job than me.

    (*hug*)
     
  3. Amicus

    Full Member

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    Hello Kajo,

    I think you can comfortably say you're not straight, at least: you not only have a sexual response to men, but you can also see yourself in an emotional relationship with one. The million dollar question is to what extent you also feel these things about females. Do you have a natural sexual response if you see attractive women when you're out and about? Do you get a sense of emotional fulfillment when you imagine having a wife?

    For what it's worth, you have certainly not made yourself gay by reading "influencing articles and forums." If we could change our sexuality merely by the power of suggestion, then I think we'd see a much higher success rate of "reparative" therapy!

    So look more closely at your wants and desires, and then I think you'll be able to remove some of that uncertainty.
     
  4. kajo

    kajo Guest

    Talking about it, well, writing about it feels great. You start seeing the things more clearly. Let's start with Gazza's questions:
    As you address it so directly...yes, I can actually see myself in a relationship with a guy, but (and I think this is the important part) I feel discomfort in the thought of how friends, family etc. may respond.

    After all, I guess it comes down to the individual. What kind of wife/guy. I still can imagine both.
    I like the idea too, of going for testing days, as someone may call them. I might try that out, but in an unknown environment. (better safe than sorry) This approach brings me straight down to the comment of Amicus: "To what extent [...]" do I lean towards the one or the other gender. I guess I will have to find out.

    Thank you folks, you've helped me to get a better picture of the whole thing.
     
  5. Gazza123

    Gazza123 Guest

    Glad we could help. I know am not the best advice giver but i gave it my best shot.