Hi there, I'm new to this website so I guess I should introduce myself and my situation. I'll be 19 next month, currently in my first year of college, and I have only dated girls up to this point, but I think about being with guys all the time. When deep in thought I consume myself over coming up with an answer that I am either bisexual, gay, curious, or questioning. I can never seem to come up with an answer. I'm getting tired of this, and I really would just like to know for sure. But it is hard to find out when I am still keeping this an inner secret. I am afraid to come out because I am afraid of being judged. I knew I would never want to come out in high school because it's a horrible place, but I feel like I could now that I am in college. I have told three of my close friends about my questioning and they are pretty supportive. I am terrified of my family knowing, though. I know they would still love me and accept me but I am just too afraid to tell them.. mostly because I still don't know myself. I find myself checking out guys all the time and fantasizing about them, which leads me to believe I am gay. I have dated girls but I am still a virgin. Most girls I dated never went past second base, but my last serious relationship we did everything but sex. I didn't hate it ('it' being the sexual acts) but I also didn't love it. I had a guy from my school court me once and once I found out he was gay I confided in him and we would always text, but I mostly played him because I wasn't attracted to him on an intellectual level. I was also scared as I was still young. I also found it frightening how he almost "knew" I was gay and that I would confide in him once I found out about him. We held hands that was it. I've never gotten to experiment with a guy, though I want to. But I am terrified. It is also hard to find a guy when you are not out of the closet. At puberty age I started watching porn (straight) but I found myself mostly checking out the guy and eventually started watching gay porn. Now that is all I watch.. it gets me off (sorry if this is too much). I should also mention that during my sophomore year I had a best-guy-friend whom overtime I became obsessed with and fell in love with, though played it off to everyone else that we were bros. Everyone staring questioning us, our friends and family thought it was getting a little weird. We would hang out 24/7 and sleep over all the time. We slept in the same bed and even cuddled (spooning). I secretly loved it and become obsessed with it and wanted to do it all the time.... >.< haha. We did some pretty risque things but never went into anything serious, though I still wish it did. He has a girlfriend and I believe his is mostly straight but part of me thinks he wouldn't have stopped me if I tried something on him.... haha. we're no longer friends unfortunately. I need some help, what should I do? I want to experiment, but it would have to be secretive for the fear of anyone finding out or me finding out that I am not gay. But it is almost impossible when you are not out in the gay community... Any advice is greatly appreciated! Sorry for the long post..
Hey Matt, Welcome! I understand the urge to want to experiment to figure out if you're gay. There are certainly ways of finding other guys to have anonymous sex with. That said, it might be safer/healthier to talk with your friends more (they seem open and supportive) and try to come to terms with your sexuality on your own. It sounds like you've done a lot of thinking and you seem to have a great attitude. Perhaps visit the LGBT center on campus? They usually give you the option to keep your participation confidential, and you might meet some nice guys while you're at it! Once you're comfortable with yourself, you'll probably enjoy the sexual experiments more anyway
I am thinking about the same thing, except I know for a fact that I am gay and will never be sexually attracted to girls. Let me know what you plan to do when you come to a decision.
