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Why can't I just say it!?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Closet88, Nov 10, 2012.

  1. Closet88

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    Bare with me because this one might be a bit long... So tonight I heard that someone I used to work with was having a party. I saw people post about it on Facebook and I spoke to people who were going but I didn't get an invite, despite throwing several hints out. But this isn't what the post is about, this is just something which slightly annoyed me...

    So having no plans tonight, I decided I'd drink some beers at home, as I don't really tend to get through a weekend without having a drink. After several cans of beer I was feeling a bit tipsy but I was constantly looking at the clock. I'm sitting in the house with my mum and my dad is out with friends getting drunk. As I've stated in a previous thread, my dad is not a nice person when he's drunk, so I can't really enjoy myself sitting at home knowing that he'll come home soon and annoy me.

    As always when I've had a drink I started to feel good about myself and my confidence increased. And as always when I've had a drink or when I haven't had a drink, the subject of me being gay was playing heavily on my mind. So I decided to throw some hints out to my mum. After all this is my mum, the person I have always been close to and can usually tell anything. So I basically said "when do you think dad will be home? I'm gonna have to go to bed because he just annoys me by asking me if I'm gay every time he's drunk." I was secretly praying that my mum would somehow know without me telling her, and give me a response to let me know she accepts my sexuality. Her response was more along the lines of "you're probably best going to bed then before he gets home. I hate the way he accuses you of being gay. I know you're not, I'd be ashamed if you were. But thank god you're not. I know you'll find a girl one day..." After this comment I was dying to shout it out. The worst that could happen is that she throws me out and I would just live somewhere else. I have money to afford somewhere. This scenario doesn't even seem so bad, as I would finally be honest about myself. But still, there is the fear of not being accepted! So I stay quiet and don't say anything...

    30 mins later my dad comes home. At first he's fine. "Hi son, I'm glad you're here, we can have a beer together." So we sit there drinking together, which I enjoy. I would love to do this with him and not have to worry about sexuality. As predicted though, a short time later my dad starts talking down to me. "So why are you sitting in here on a Saturday night? Why don't you have a girlfriend? Are you a faggot? Just tell me. Do you take it up the arse?" My earlier drunk confidence gone, I sink into my chair and defend myself as always. "Of course not dad, I just don't want a girlfriend at the moment. I'm focusing on my career." Hardly convinced, he replies "well that makes no sense, you're a good looking boy. You should have lots of girls attracted to you. Something just isn't adding up. I think you're a dirty faggot." Again a small part of me really wants to shout it out. Tell him I'm gay so he'll stop asking me on a weekly basis!! But that would be too easy, so I just take the abuse without fighting back. And eventually I decided enough was enough and went to bed.

    Why can't I just shout out that I'm gay!? Is it normal to be living in fear at the age of 23? As always, any advice is welcome. I just feel like I will never get any acceptance from my parents if I tell them I'm gay. But that is so hard because I've lived my life trying to please my parents and do whatever they wanted me to do.
     
  2. pinklov3ly

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    Well, since you've stated that you can afford to live on your own, I suggest you start looking for a place. No one deserves to be treated the way your father is treating you, it's most definitely a form of bullying. And I'm so sorry that your Mom feels the way she does. It's hard to say if their reaction will be positive to you being gay, especially your father. I think you should come out once you're settled into your own place. I have a friend who's 26 and she's bisexual, she's so afraid of the reaction she'll get if she tells her Mom. I keep telling her to think positive, but she's not coming out until she moves. I think some people feel differently once they find out that someone they love is LGBT. My sister treated me differently for a while, but now, things are great between us, so your parents may surprise you. Good luck :slight_smile:
     
    #2 pinklov3ly, Nov 10, 2012
    Last edited: Nov 10, 2012
  3. TwoMethod

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    I think it's extremely understandable that you can't say it. You're living in an environment where both your parents are stuck some time in the past with backwards thinking.

    If you have money to live someone else, I would bloody well get out of there. I don't know how you've stuck it this long at home. Maybe you could write a letter to them explaining why you have left and come out to them. Writing about things is often a hundred times easier than saying it. You seem to think that there's a high chance that you're going to be kicked out if you come out. From the sounds of it, I think you're right.

    By moving out now and writing the letter, you've sorted the problem of telling them, and you've taken away their power to kick you out.

    Alternatively, I think you could move out and then after a few week's thought, meet them in a neutral location like a pub or restaurant and come out to them there. At this stage, you'll already have moved out, so again, they won't be able to kick you out.

    But really, I think writing the letter is by far the best option. Otherwise, you're just delaying everything. You're twenty-three, so it's not like you haven't been thinking about this for a while.

    And lastly, coming out to your Dad while he's tipsy and you're tipsy... that sounds like a recipe for disaster to me. This is a terrible, terrible way to come out. Writing the letter is infinitely better.
     
  4. Closet88

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    I've been looking for a new place. I work in a different city to where I live so that would be good to start afresh in a new city. I think the coming out process is all about time. Maybe my mum will come round to it one day, I just know she won't like it at first. I think my biggest fear is fear of the unknown. I am used to living at home, telling my mum most of my problems and having quite a close relationship with her. But if I move somewhere else and eventually come out then my life will see a huge change. As for my dad... Well, I can't see him accepting me ever!

    ---------- Post added 11th Nov 2012 at 01:36 PM ----------

    Thanks for your comment. You're right about it being easier to write things by letter. However I don't think it would be easier in this case. I think when I do eventually come out it will have to be face to face. I just couldn't do it by letter. Hopefully I'll find my own place soon and then perhaps meet up with my parents to tell them like you said. It's strange because most people tell their friends first, but I really want to tell my mum before I tell any of my friends. I don't know my reasoning for this, it just seems the right thing to do. And yeah, I guess coming out to my dad whilst we're both under the influence of alcohol wouldn't be the best idea. Think I only said that because the only time I seem to have any confidence is when I've had a drink.
     
  5. Average Joe

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    Sorry to hear your parents seem so homophobic. I don't think I can add much more to what's already been said. I would take the advantage of the fact that you can support yourself, find a new place and move out as soon as possible. Once you've come out to your parents, give them some time to wrap their head around the situation. Hope everything goes well for you and they accept you for who you are (*hug*)
     
  6. TheSeeker

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    Moving out is the key to everything here. I am 25 and have lived in five different locations since university. However, I empathize with your current anxiety somewhat, because I am temporarily back at home and just beginning the coming out process myself. I have told almost everyone else important to me, but my parents cannot know until I am ready to move.

    It is not that they would take it that bad, but since I am issuing mine more like an ultimatum, I want to ensure that they have no power over me. What your Dad is saying to you is abusive, plain and simple. I am sure you love your parents but no one deserves to be spoken to that way, ever.

    I personally prefer coming out face to face, but to put it bluntly it sounds like at least one of your parents is going to be a jerk about it. So write them a letter, emotionally neutral, but firm and aggressive; make sure it says exactly what you want it to say.

    Then leave it in the house when you go, and don't look back. For their treatment of you, I don't want them to have the honor of you coming out to them face to face. The impersonality of the letter is a beautiful reminder often your parents of how few fucks are given by you...

    Good luck, and happy house hunting!

    The Seeker
     
  7. Closet88

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    Thanks for the hug :slight_smile:. I'm aiming to have my own place by January

    ---------- Post added 11th Nov 2012 at 07:39 PM ----------

    Thanks for your advice. You have lived in a lot of places! I have lived in the same city my whole life! I don't know about the letter. It's strange because I do love my parents... Well my mum definitely. I feel bad writing this stuff about them because I feel like I'm being bad to them but I'm only telling the truth. Thanks for your support, and hopefully the house hunting will go well. I could do with some tips from someone who's moved as much as you! :slight_smile:
     
  8. TheSeeker

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    Yeah, I move around a lot for my job (Park Ranger)... But for the past couple of years I lived In a Moroccan village working with the US Peace Corps. Long story short, I finally came out to myself there and have been working on making it official ever since I came home. But, my story is long and this is your thread!

    Don't feel bad about talking about your parents or anyone else in a bad way on this forum. EC is here for you to vent your frustrations, ask advice, and share your successes with people who have gone through similar scenarios, to some extent or another.

    The important thing here is you. You can't change your sexuality, it may evolve throughout your lifetime but you are never going to be straight. Coming out to your parents is a courtesy, nothing more. Although it would be nice, their acceptance should not be a factor in your happiness. You are a human who loves other humans and wants to be loved in return... In that regard you are no different from the rest of the world. You deserve happiness, you deserve to find someone who loves you for who you are, so...what are you waiting for?! Go get it!

    If you have any house hunting tips, just hit me up on my wall... I'll send you a friend request. Best of luck, and please keep us informed,

    -the Seeker
     
  9. The Escapist

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    Hi, it's fine that you want to come out to your mom first. I think the thing is we tend to come out to those we are closest to first, and usually that's our friends. It seems like you are very close with your mom in this case and that's probably why you want to tell her first. Which is just fine. :slight_smile:
    I practically told my parents first, as I have no friends. Lol.
    And when I was venting and talking about mine I also felt a bit bad since we usually get along, and they aren't all bad. But like you I was just being honest. And it was anonymous.
    So anyway, I hope you feel better and things work out. I don't have any particular advice on your dad at the moment, but I hope you figure things out for you.
     
  10. Closet88

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    TheSeeker: thanks so much, your advice makes a lot of sense. I've been thinking of some New Years resolutions and moving to a new place and coming out are at the top of the list! The key message I'm getting from your advice is that I have lived my life trying to please others and it's time I started looking out for my own interests and doing what I actually want to do :slight_smile:

    The Escapist: you must have a lot of courage to be able to come out to your family at your age. I'm 23 and still finding it nearly impossible! Hopefully it won't be too much longer now though :slight_smile:
     
  11. AAASAS

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    Well if your dad prodes at you for it, he must not completely hate you for it. He kinda wants you to admit it, and by getting drunk that is the only way he can approach you, but he is a douche when he is drunk so he goes about it the wrong way? I used to have a friend who would rip on me when I was drunk saying I was gay...etc, but when he was sober he never did, and wasn't that homophobic. So possibly he just feels more liberated to ask, when drunk.

    That must have been harsh for your mother to say. My mom asked once in a really negative way, and I denied it. It felt not so good to hear her ask in a mean way, what I didn't realize is she isn't homophobic, and more so was holding on to the last hope I wasn't gay. She accepts me more than I do, but I know she didn't want me to be gay obviously,it isn't something any parent wants for their kids, but that doesn't mean they won't accept it.
     
  12. Closet88

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    He is still quite homophobic when sober, but not as bad as when he's drunk. I think it's just due to the times he grew up in. He still has an old school mentality towards many things, and he's one of these people who does not embrace change. He's never even learn to use a computer!

    Your mother sounds really nice, I'm glad she was cool with you. I suppose there is a chance that my mum could be cool with me being gay, after all she has always been there fir me when I have stuff to talk about. I think I'm just seeing the worst everything due to my fears of coming out, and I'm worried about losing the close relationship I have with my mum. But as I said before, it's time for me to start looking out for my own interests instead of worrying about others.