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Need help on coming out - for the second time - to parents and a potential boyfriend.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Skyecraft, Nov 10, 2012.

  1. Skyecraft

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    I'm a 15 year old girl in my freshman year of high school. Don't let my age turn you off from the thread, please, because while it may seem like no big deal, I've actually been quite panicky over this. Might be a little long, sorry! D:

    I live in the Pacific Northwest, and my family is pretty liberal. They told me when I was 10 and convinced that I was actually a boy that if I was gay or transgender, they wouldn't care, and would support me in whatever I was.

    When I was 13, I fell for one of my best girl friends, and came out as bisexual to close friends and family. When I was 14, I came to the realization that I am a lesbian. Once again, I got nothing but support and love from my friends, and I am very open about my sexuality. No one has ever bullied or teased me (mostly because I'm naturally charismatic, and because I'm not afraid to beat up people who try to take me down.) and it's just part of who I am now. I don't let it be a defining trait, of course, but it's something that my friends know they can make light of or reference in certain situations.

    So I started a new school this year for high school, where I knew absolutely no one. The first few weeks were very lonely. But then first person who took the time to talk to me, hang out with me, and get to know me showed up. For the sake of anonymity, I'll call him David. The fact that I'm gay came up nonchalantly in conversation in the first few weeks of our friendship, and he didn't care at all. (The friends I made later, most of which are friends with David, didn't either.)

    He's honestly one of my best friends, even though we only met about two months ago. He's funny in a kind of awkward, silly way, we like the same video games, we both love Doctor Who and My Little Pony (yes, we're bronies. No judging allowed.), and most of all, we just click, I guess. I described our friendship to my therapist as flowing water with no stones. It's not complicated, not filled with drama, and not worrisome.

    He told me a few weeks ago, "You're like the girl version of me and I'm like the guy version of you. This is awesome."

    I've been comfortable with my sexuality for months. Just recently I've realized that I like David, in the "let's hold hands and go for a walk in the park, but then let's go home and drink Mountain Dew and play Grand Theft Auto" kinda way, and it scared the crap out of me at first.

    After thinking about it I found that I'm not physically attracted to him in any way, except for maybe noticing how his eyes crinkle when he's happy or how much I like it when he smiles. Kissing him would be a maybe, anything like making out or feeling up is a huge no-no. But when I like a girl, it's like, "Hell yes, let's get naked."

    So I've accepted that I'm biromantic and homosexual. I'm comfortable with that.

    The problem is that I have no idea how to let and my parents know that I like boys but I don't want to do the nasty with them. I'm not sure if they can distinguish the two, especially with me being a hormonal teenager and all.

    And I also want to somehow let David know that I'm open to a non-intimate relationship with a boy without just walking up to him and saying it. We're great friends, but we're like most guy friends, where emotions just aren't a daily subject. I'm also afraid he might see me as totally "one of the guys" and not girlfriend material.

    If it helps, here's an anecdote. We were working on a project at our computers and we were talking about Bon Jovi. As a joke, I sang the opening verse to You Give Love A Bad Name, after which he looked at me and said, "That sounded..really good. I mean, maybe all girls can do that, but still. That was great." I got really giggly and embarrassed, and thanked him, and he said a minute later, "Now I feel awkward." It was honestly adorable.

    He's like the sweet-but-not-sensitive type, and I want to get everything over with and just be with him.

    Any advice is welcomed and appreciated. <3 Thank you!
     
  2. TwoMethod

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    Re: Need help on coming out - for the second time - to parents and a potential boyfri

    OK, I don't think I'm going to have the reaction you're hoping for. It's great to be in touch with your feelings and your sexuality and all that, but there's a point where you just have to, um, stop.

    I'm gay, and I'm sexually attracted to guys, but yeah, of course, I could be romantically and emotionally attracted to girls. I have been in the past. And I have a few gay friends who are the same. I think a lot of people are slightly to moderately "biromantic", but I mean come on...

    I just don't act on my "biromantic" feelings. I think it would be extremely unfair to do so. I don't think I could expect anyone to be a "relationship" with me, and invest time and effort into something when there is no sexual or intimate side. I don't think that's fair.

    I'm glad you're comfortable with being both "biromantic" (I have to put it in inverted commas because I think it's a fairly ridiculous label. I mean human nature is extremely complicated and so too is sexuality, so we could be labelling till the death of the solar system) and homosexual, but I think this could really confuse your friend. No matter how liberal everyone around you is, I don't think this notion of "biromanticism" is something that will compute with any of them. Well, maybe it will compute, but for me anyway, I think it's bordering on selfish.

    Secondly, I don't see how you're not already in a non-intimate relationship with him. I have plenty of people who I'm "everything but the sex" with, and I don't feel the need to call it a relationship. Heck, one guy is gay... he's my best friend, and we joke about "everything but the sex" all the time, but by no means do we need to call it a relationship. He's just my best friend.

    I was always under the impression that, for straight girls and guys, that being in a relationship was like being intimate with your best friend. You often hear people say at weddings that they married their best friend. I don't see how you can take this any further other than calling it a "relationship", which is silly and confusing.

    Like I said, I am biromantic, too. And I know other gay people who are biromantic. But for God's sake, do they feel the need to come out as "biromantic"? God no! Human nature, sexuality, and emotional attraction; they're all extremely complicated. Sometimes we just have to stop at a point and accept who we are without labelling every part of ourselves.
     
  3. pinklov3ly

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    Re: Need help on coming out - for the second time - to parents and a potential boyfri

    Are you sure it's a good idea telling him that you like him? I dated my BFF for 6 months, but after we broke up things were extremely rocky between her and I. We're better off as friends only and I think you should take a step back, is it worth the risk of possibly ruining the friendship? I should mention that I'm biromantic as well and I have dated guys, but anything I felt for them was short lived; literally 3 months or less. I just kept thinking to myself how it's not fair to the guy, although he was fully aware of the circumstances. I'm not friends with the last guy I dated, which sucks because we had so much fun together. I wish I could take it back, we actually had class together while we were in college. I invested so much time into the friendship and it was ruined in less than 3 months :eusa_doh:

    I think you should think about it a little longer and since your family has been totally accepting, I think you should tell them how you feel. Most people don't even know what the term biromantic means, but if it's important to you then explain to them what it means to be both biromantic and gay. I didn't even know what it meant until I joined this forum :lol: