self esteem issues

Bro...

It's amazing. I swear it's like a rule. The more attractive people are the worse they feel about themselves. I think you're incredibly attractive. And I don't mean that in a creepy way. Only the most affirmative way possible. You have a body a lot of gay men would kill for.

I have had and still work through my body image issues as well. The key I think is to just get to a certain place where you are satisfied with who you are, and just think "I deserve to be loved too."

I'm not sure what it will take for you, because I don't know your path. For me, it was exercise. I've been working out for about 3 months, but my body looks basically the same. I've only lost 4 pounds. But the big difference from me now and me three months ago is that I feel like I deserve a partner.

And so do you. Don't think that you don't.

 

Hello Kyle,

First off, don't beat yourself up for having these feelings (*hug*) I'm sure I don't have to tell you that the body anxiety which poisons nearly everyone living in Western culture can be especially bad for gay males.

I've been down this path before too. I don't know if this is true for you, but no matter how many people re-assured me that I wasn't unattractive (as I'm sure others have most certainly told you), I never believed them. I only began breaking this cycle (which I am still in the process of breaking) by challenging the underlying thought patterns. So let me take you through what I did, and then you can take from it what you please

So let's push against that anxiety a bit. This might seem a bit odd/cynical at first, but stick with me. Ok, let's hypothetically say that your fears are real: imagine you are the ugliest of uglies to ever enter The Land of Gay. Ok, what's so wrong with that? Your anxiety shrieks in response: "No one will ever desire you or want a romantic relationship with you!" Ok, let's say that happens. Let's say that you never get a partner or a romantic relationship. What happens then?

And that is the crucial question. Life does not guarantee a boyfriend to anyone, beautiful or not. How would you live your life if you were 100% certain that you would never, ever find a partner? Would you just resign yourself to despair, or is there something else that makes life worth living for you? The first step to reclaiming your self-esteem is by considering this exact scenario: being alone.

Why? Because then your life becomes about the person it should be about: you! We humans put ourselves through all kinds of crazy things (diets, workouts, plastic surgery, cosmetics, tanning beds...the list goes on!), all to try to take control of something that we will never, ever be able to take control of: how attractive other people find us. Everyone responds to bodies in different ways. Everyone has their types. When you invest so much in how people will respond to the way you look, you are putting your own happiness into something over which you have no control.

But it is true that there is a certain set of characteristics (what I call being normatively attractive) that a lot of people find attractive. Ok. So let's play the opposite game now. Imagine that you are the most beautiful person that you can imagine. Whatever body you think that most people you know would find attractive: you've got it.

Now let's think this through. How do you respond when you see an attractive guy just walking down the street? Do you run right up to him and blurt out how beautiful you think he is? I don't know about you, but I typically just silently enjoy the view and then keep walking. Odds are, the same exact thing would happen to you! It might even already be happening to you!

But let's be generous and assume that you'll get lots more attention with your beautiful body. All of the guys approach you and want to talk to you. And all of them are approaching you because...they find you to be a worthy human being? Nope! Because they think you're totally cool and worth spending their life together with? Nope! They will be approaching you because you have a pretty face.

Now, I will concede that in terms of finding relationships beauty definitely is an advantage because more people are likely to approach and be sexually attracted to people they find beautiful, both of which are key starting ingredients for forming those bonds. But there's a flip side to that too: in the back of your head, you always have to wonder, "Does this person really like me, or are they just trying to get in my pants?"

Ok, I promise it gets less negative from here! Maybe you find something valuable in everything I just said, but if you're at all like me, you'll still be thinking to yourself, "Ok, I get it. There are other aspects of myself besides appearance that are awesome, and it's important to not base happiness on all this and yada yada yada, but it would still be really nice if I felt like I were attractive enough to be worth approaching/dating/propositioning/etc."

So let's start with your body. First, don't just see it as a piece of meat to attract a mate with. Your body does a lot of beautiful and very important things for you. It lets you walk. It lets you laugh. It lets you dance. You have eyes that can see the world. You have arms to hold someone. You have lungs that let you sing. In short, your body is the sole reason that you can experience anything pleasurable in the first place. When you think of all these functions, it's pretty hard not to come to the conclusion that your body is a pretty kickass piece of work. Put your hand over your heart and feel it beating, and know that you are only alive because of your body. Whenever you feel like you're not pretty enough, think back to these other functions.

And then there's one last technique I want to share with you. Imagine that you have a boyfriend who flings himself into your arms weeping because he doesn't think he's beautiful. What will you say to him? Even if you do think he's ugly, you'll humor him and tell him all the things about him that are beautiful.

So: when these thoughts come up, be your own boyfriend! Tell your boyfriend-self all about his positive features. Maybe you think he has really nice eyes, or really great elbows. Tell him that. Have hot sex with him. Do little things that let him know you appreciate his body. This is going to sound really weird, but sometimes when I was using this technique I would give myself a firm slap on the ass in the morning before I left for work/school just to remind myself whose property I was

You are a lovable and worthwhile human being. Don't wait for someone else to confirm that for you (*hug*)

This turned into a massive wall of text . Sorry I'm not sorry

 

I read this thingy on u tube and he said that a proven fact is that gays hate thare biddies the most out of all I'm not shure if trans was included in this studie

 

I think Amicus has done a great job by framing your body issues in several different contexts that are rather insightful (and funny)! :lol:

One thing I will add, though, is that you aren't alone in this, either. As someone who has an incredibly "average" body type, I still fall into the pitfalls of overly criticizing myself as well. Though, I have to remind myself that I actually like the "averageness" of my body because even if it doesn't conform to some ridiculous perception of attraction, it's still mine—in both the possessive context, and in the sense that it doesn't need to look like someone else's projection of attraction.

Plus, you—and people in general—are so much more complex than a body, and the intersection of whom you are, in your entirety, forms your attraction. That is, you aren't just a body; you have a personality, a sense of humor, interests, hobbies, goals, and funny quirks, etc. that supplement you. So, here is my suggestion: try to look at yourself as a whole instead of as disparate parts—because then, you'll see that all of these pieces complement each other quite beautifully.