On not coming out and parent death

Unfortunately, as much as I hate to recommend it, this is probably a good idea. I just wish the decision didn't have to be made for these reasons.

When I moved home to take care of a dying loved one I was the only member of my family within 600 miles, aside from the aforementioned terminally ill family member. I felt extremely isolated and alone, and even though my friends were always there for me as much or more than to be expected I was still empty feeling. There was no reason to come out to this family member, as I knew the love was unconditional so saying such things were unnecessary and not really possible (dementia is a horrible thing to witness), so I haven't felt any guilt not doing so. Honestly for about nine months I couldn't get out of the house for more than an hour or two a day, so even if I met Mr/Ms right things would have been difficult, but I would have felt far better.

To answer your question, yes the things going on in your life have a large bearing on your feelings, and not having someone who has undivided attention and care for your trials, and who can be there for you, can definitely make things harder to cope with. It's only natural to want that sort of relief and companionship, I don't think there is anything odd about that.

It most certainly is!

I don't think you need to be okay with never coming out, nor do I think it is all that healthy of a decision in the long term, for the reasons you describe above. In time, despite how bad things are and can be, you will find a time a place to make your own way through life, as freely as you want.

Hang in there, don't give up, and don't resign yourself having to live a lie, even if it seems sensible now, that doesn't mean it will be forever. (*hug*)

 

You aren't alone, especially here, and I'm glad if I can be even a tiny bit of help.

For almost all of those nine months I would wake up, several times a day (I don't think I slept longer than three hours in a stretch at most) wondering how the hell I was going to make it another minute, hour, day, week, or month... somehow I did, I just don't know how exactly.

I'm really sorry to hear that, when my grandfather started appearing frail years ago I thought things couldn't get any more sad and depressing, but seeing him slowly robbed of his intelligence and eloquence was the hardest thing I've ever dealt with, I don't think I could do it again, especially alone, and be living once all was said and done.

My grandfather, in the final months of his life, became convinced I was a doppleganger (an identical body double) and not to be trusted with even the most mundane details of day to day life. He also had an arsenal dispersed around the house before he started thinking I was an imposter... I eventually removed the firing pins from all the handguns, and put all the rifles up a flight of stairs. Needless to say, before I found them all and did that it made life very 'interesting' for awhile.

I'm terribly sorry you are having to deal with this, especially on top of trying to make sense of your life in ways most people can't relate to or understand. I wish I could offer more advice, but seeing your post I had to add what little I could... if I can be any help at all in the future feel free to msg me.

 

First of all, (*hug*)

You are doing something very loving and commendable, taking care of your mother in her last moments. It's a difficult time to go through for sure, having that internal debate of tell/don't tell. I had that debate every one of the 90 days between my parent's deaths, and while Mom was probably more open to things, her mind was going and everything was becoming a source of confusion and agitation.

It can also feel lonely, and before it gets better it's probably going to get worse. I remember feeling awful at the mere sight of siblings and relatives that had significant others to comfort them and help out with "the regular day-to-day life stuff" while we were dealing with funeral arrangements etc... Then you will have the awkward "So how come a pretty girl like you isn't married yet" from long-lost relatives and people you don't know or remember. Just take a deep breath, smile, nod, "thanks for coming it means a lot to us". They just don't know any better.

Friends often don't know how to help, and often don't want to overstep boundaries between friends and family, so don't be afraid of being a little specific in your comments or requests for help.

Beside having very little free time as Alan posted above, this may not be the best time to meet someone new and start a relationship, because emotionally you may not have enough left to put in that relationship - and that's ok, we can't be everything to everyone all the time.

As far as honoring her memory after she passes, I think a good way to do this is to be the best version of you that you can be, and only you know what that is, not what anyone else thinks you should be doing.

As far as never coming out to her, if you believe in some form of afterlife she will know at that time. Some people write a letter to the person and place it in the casket before cremation or burial, maybe you would find comfort and closure from that.

 

It is very commendable indeed. I don't have much advice regarding the awkwardness, it still seems to crop up every now and then when someone asks specific things I don't feel they should.

Very good advice.

Indeed, I should have added this. I don't think it would have been very fair to the other person were I involved with anyone, during my rare few hours of freedom I was in no great frame of mind.

Indeed, be who ever you want to be, just be a good person doing so.

Taco, were you referring to dealing with never coming out to her, or people in general? I may have misunderstood. In whichever case, now probably isn't the best time for this, it would just be so much more for her and you to process.