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Depression will win?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Louie1, Nov 11, 2012.

  1. Louie1

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    I was reading another thread by Serephina and she wrote the exact thing on how I feel:

    I'm terrified of ending up alone, but I can't trust anyone. I've never been in a long term relationship. How can I love someone when I can't even love myself. I can't just love someone, because I don't know how to love. I don't know how to be happy.

    I want children more than anything else in the world, I'm afraid to bring a child into this world knowing that it will likely inherit the mental diseases that plague my family. Depression, anxiety, and anger are only the tip of the ice berg, and I don't want my baby to have to go through that. I want my child to grow up never having to wonder if his or her parent will be angry, or depressed. How can I be so selfish and have a child and to raise another generation filled with suffering and pain.

    I'm so over my life. I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm not looking for attention. I'm only looking for happiness, within myself and around me. Is that too much to ask? Do I even know what happiness feels like anymore after being on anti-depressants for 6 years and counting...what a waste of my life. The best years of my life are being shared with Depression and anxiety and I just don't know how to get out of this dark place.

    :tears::tears::tears:
     
  2. Maunglwin

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    Well you definitely are not alone cuz I went through the same thing...still m..
    I was depressed for years aside from the unsupportive family I have, they are also violent(mostly emotionally). I get shocked every now n then if they even care about me because I would never fight in front of my kids(if I have 1 one day) and set a bad example.
    I went through depression from feelings of loneliness, thinking no one really cares if I die or no one loves me. I especially felt more alone thinking that I must b the only gay!!
    But what I really needed was just some supportive friends to talk to. The more depressed I got, the less socialize I would b.
    I started going to places with them, chatting with my best friends about problems I have(some times even personal things). Im actually seeing a therapist for the first time tomorrow.
    I hope you kinda get what Im trying to say. When feel alone and at a dark place that u seem to b right now, definitely reach out for help(like what ur doing rite now by posting this). And make sure you hav someone close in ur life that you can talk to n trust. If not then you're always welcome to talk to me or ppl on this site who r very supportive and would help you! And you're not alone. Many people go through this so Im sure u'll find ppl here who r like you.
    Can you maybe get a therapist to talk to? Im not really sure wa the environment that ur in rite now? r u in U.S.?
    I really hope u feel better soon! And this isn't some thing u will get over wit in a day or two so yes, thanks for posting this n keep posting when u feel down or depressed n someone would help u!! :grin:
     
  3. Mogget

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    One of the things that has majorly helped me recover from depression was finding a network of friends that also experience mental illness. I did it through one of the NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) support groups, but there are other ways. Being in contact with people who share the lived experience of depression has helped me learn new techniques for managing my symptoms, and helped me to feel less alone.
     
  4. Amicus

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    First and foremost: (*hug*)

    Now, on to your concerns:

    (1) Being alone. This is a worthy question to ask yourself: what would you do with your life if you were 100% certain that you would never, ever find a partner? Would that be it? Is there anything else in life that makes it worthwhile for you besides the idea of someone loving you like that? Even if you do find a partner, there will still already be someone you've committed to spending the rest of your life with: yourself! I'm asking you these questions not because I think you have no chance of finding love and should just give up now, but because these questions shift the focus onto what you can already do right now to make your life more fulfilling. It's a very worthy investment to fall in love with the person that you'll be with til death do you part. Pretend that the question of finding a partner is already settled: it won't happen. What happens then?

    (2) Kids. Every child born into this world, mentally ill or not, will experience suffering and pain. That's just part of joining the human race. But you're focusing solely on the negative aspects. No child has a perfect parent. No child has a parent that never gets angry, sad, or upset. It seems to me that if you want a child as badly as you do, you'll be a parent who treats their child with kindness, compassion, and love. Not every child has a parent like that. Sure, by not having a kid you might spare them the possibility that they might inherit your struggles with mental illness, but you'll also be removing the absolute certainty of the love you would give to them.

    (3) Happiness. I know of a Buddhist monk who gave what I thought was a very insightful teaching on this subject. He discussed a statue he had seen of a man throwing his arms up in ecstasy with the caption "Joy at last---to know there is no happiness in this world!" The solution to your problem is that there is no solution. Now, what does that mean? The truth is that every state of existence carries suffering with it and this is a perfectly normal aspect of life. Think about it: wouldn't you think it was strange if someone told you that they had never been sick? Just as sickness is a perfectly normal and regular aspect of life for the body, so is unhappiness for the mind.

    But it is true that there are certain states of life that carry more positive aspects than negative, so the question is: how do you get there? What happens when you try to force yourself not to think about pink elephants? The opposite: you think about pink elephants. The same occurs when you try to force yourself into being happy. So instead of fighting against your depression, make peace with it. When you start to feel depressed, roll out the red carpet for your depression. Say to yourself, "Welcome depression. Nice to see you again. How are you? Would you like a cup of tea?" Try to be content with yourself feeling as you do because once you've contented yourself with it, then you are no longer allowing it to disturb you.

    Feeling happy is not a skill that's built into us, so you don't need to feel bad about not being able to produce happiness on command (*hug*) I know it feels like these are the best years of your life, but that's a cliche more than anything else. Imagine a future where you've learned to accept yourself: I think you'll find that the best could very well be yet to come :slight_smile:
     
  5. Crazyguy

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    Hi Louie! Are you seeing a therapist for the depression, anxiety and anger? It might help to explore what the anger is stemming from and how that might tie in to the anxiety and depression you are experiencing. Doing that with a therapist or in a group therapy environment might be helpful but best to see a professional and finds out what they recommend.

    If you're concerned about your genetic history have you considered adoption? You sound like you really want children and would be a good father. You aren't being selfish thinking about having children, no parent is perfect so stop beating yourself up.

    When you are experiencing depression and anxiety it is hard to see past it. Don't give up because there is a lot of help available. I've been on anti-depressants for 20 years and can tell you that there is happiness out there even if it is intermixed with battling this illness.

    Best wishes.
     
  6. smprob

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    I used to act on that same fear sometimes: about ending up alone, bc that I rarely feel connected to people within my heart, emotionally. Which I don't know how, when it happens, so may be I'd end up being along all my life.

    But there is one thing I've noticed about me. I've never had the same opinions on everything all along in my life. They've changed by time to time, when the world I encountered changed, and when more experiences and more knowledge added. So I know those feelings I have now also have the possibility to change in future, and may be I'd become so different from how I think now. But no one can predict. So ask yourself, have you always been thinking in the same way you're used to now.

    Most proof I have for that is, about a decade ago, I thought I was really incapable of loving someone like you said or to know how it is to feel it truly. For me, to love anyone other than whom I've known from my childhood as mine was hopeless. So I thought I'd never experience love like others or know what it is and that I'd be unhappy forever bc of that, as everyone seem to care for someone in their lives. So what I always did is trying to fall in love with someone and to learn and experience what it could be. I'd been thinking that something was wrong with me as my mind didn't seem to operate as others'. Well, I'm still not much changed, but, never to know what love, is no longer true. However, now I wish that I've never had been changed and had that incapability like I used to be. Bc I now know how peaceful it had been without it and want to get out of what I feel now.

    Like that, a lot of things I've wished for me in past, those that I didn't have then but that I have now, are ones I don't like now, ones I wish if those never had the ability to become true. So now what I got to wish is that they'd never changed and for things I've lost in past to be replaced or for different solutions.

    As I see it and as most intellectual people had have said, it shows the nature of our minds. We think our happiness is based on the things we don't have at present, thinking we'd be happy when we get them, so try to achieve them, forgetting all about living our present. If those we want seem to be something unreachable, we are likely to start to worry, and then depression or other issues could come. But is it worthy? what I think is, it's good to make our future to be as what we want it to be, but making present life so miserable by thinking of it, or ignoring it, may be the key for never to have happiness within all life time, that is if we leave here before we achieve them or contentment.

    In my case I could have been more contented and happier in my past if I knew this is how I'm going to feel at present. But anyone I knew/know can't forecast. So what use! So that, past is gone, there's only present left or future. And it's obvious that there is no use worrying about future as it is to be discovered yet. Also worrying about how you are is no solution if it's not going to change you and it could give you self hatred.

    So try to accept, whatever your personality is, that you have now or whatever new things you're going to discover about it in future. Don't worry about however dark or dull or different those could be in others' eyes or in your opinions. Bc that is who you're, your true self, even you ignore it or deny it or worry about it, it would be there underneath you. If you know how to live without troubling others and yourself that is all that matters in reality. Even you can love someone or not, or whatever other personalities you'd have, it's not going to matter if you don't worry about it, as then it won't effect your happiness or your future.

    As I see, happiness is based on how you're are practised to see your experiences from the world or within you. So happiness is always there with us, if we can discover it. It is something to be learned again, bc we learn to be unhappy when we grow up. Bc we are taught as kids, in general, to be dis-contented as much as we can be and to success everyone we see, and so we be accepted and respected in our society.

    Why do you have to worry how your future children would face in this world. We live in this world, and however way we suffer or enjoy it, we will live our lives and do our part here and leave. So will do our kids. Also they may have very different lives from how you imagine or may be less or same. and you could be so different with them. But still it's their lives, it's they who live it. You got to leave it to them, and let your future come and be lived and decide what to do when time comes.

    If what you seek is happiness, it is no use worrying about your future thinking how it would be or no use worrying about your past thinking why it could not had been different, or about why you have not been different from yourself. As worrying is not what brings happiness, it is what that chase away. Worrying brings more worries like magnets. Like said that same kind of people attract same kind, happy or optimistic thoughts will attract happiness to you.
     
    #6 smprob, Nov 12, 2012
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2012
  7. Louie1

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    Hi Maunglwin, thank you for your response and support. It makes it easier knowing that other people are struggling like me...I hope we can both get over this once and for all. BIG HUGS.
    Yes, I do have therapists, but on some days it feels like I'm not getting better (that's the depression taking over again).
    I'm from Sydney, Australia.

    ---------- Post added 13th Nov 2012 at 02:02 PM ----------

    Hi Mogget, thank you for your response and support. Yes, I have been to many social groups for gay, depression, religious support. On some days, it feels like I'm all alone and that nothing is helping....

    ---------- Post added 13th Nov 2012 at 02:04 PM ----------

    Hi Amicus, thank you for your response and support. Your response was breathtaking and has really helped me to re-think allot of things in my brain. My sincere thank you for your advice. BIG HUGS.

    ---------- Post added 13th Nov 2012 at 02:06 PM ----------

    Hi Crazyguy, yes I'm seeing a counsellor, psychologist, psychiatrist and doctor. I go to Depression, gay, religious support groups, but the depression makes me believe that nothing is working because I'm always feeling down and lonely. I can't take this much longer. I know I will keep on fighting, but for how long? Is life suppose to be a struggle like this? really, this is it? :icon_sad:

    ---------- Post added 13th Nov 2012 at 02:08 PM ----------

    Hi smprob, thank you for your response and support. I will always come back to your post and read it again, especially on the days when I feel like that theres no point in continuing...I'm feeling sad again, brain, please stop it. leave me alone:bang:
     
  8. AAASAS

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    As someone who was formerly on Zoloft, if your problem has to do with internal struggles, drugs won't help. Only when you have an actual chemical imbalance will they help.

    You are not alone in how you feel, I experience the same feelings, and usually sabotage any chance of having a real relationship.

    Almost everyone is worried about dying alone, so you are not alone in that. You can also adopt children if you feel you don't want to expose blood children to your genetic predispositions. Adopting a child is one of the most honourable things you can do, and satisfying. You get the love of a child, and get to experience all that parenthood brings, and on top of it, you are rescuing someone in need, letting them know you are there for them, that you care. It seems like this is almost what you want for yourself, so you might be perfect for adoption, and I am sure any partner you find would be for it as well.

    All you are feeling is normal, and it is good to get your feelings down, try frequenting this forum now, just to get it all out.
     
  9. Serephina

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    Wow... someone quoted me. I feel like a movie star C:

    So, apparently, you've been(or are) exactly where I'm at. Amicus is awesome, and he's obviously a genius. Because I read that thing and I was like... oh wow. Why didn't I ever think of that?

    Anyway. We all love you long time, and we'll be here for you. Feel free to message me, to rant or just to chat. Cause obviously we're soul twins :slight_smile: