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Im Gay, and my girlfriend doesnt know.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by TheFirstStep, Nov 11, 2012.

  1. TheFirstStep

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    Iknow just how bad it sounds, and it feels just as bad if not worse to me.

    knowing that i lie to her every day when i kiss her, when i caress her.

    i feel like nothing more than an alien from a ar off distant land thats being forced to conform to the norms of what is socially acceptable; my fear of being discovered is wha drives me, and im not at all proud of it.

    i feel that my day to claim who i am outside of the closet is fast approaching, and with that day will come the time when i can let her go to be with someone who can show her the love she really deservs.

    i diddnt purposefully put myself in this sitatin to keep myself hidden and undetected. in fact, i believed that i was doing the right thing.

    i thought i was treading a thin line between straight and bi, i thought i still liked girls, and i hoped that maybe, just maybe if i dated a girl long enough, if i got close enough to her... that i could live the life that i always wanted.

    But after a month of dating her, i realized that this is not what i had hoped it would be.

    she is head over heels for me, and i love her to death too... just not in the same way that she loves me.

    im not denying that what i am doing is wrong, because i know it is, and every day i delay tears a bit of me upinside.

    Im ready to let her be happy.

    but im not ready to come out of the closet.

    Where do i go from here? :icon_sad:
     
  2. Amicus

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    First: congratulations on being able to admit to yourself that you're gay. That's a huge accomplishment.

    Coming out and breaking up with your girlfriend don't have to be simultaneous events. It would be great if you could do both at once, but I'm going to recommend that you break with your girlfriend as soon as possible.

    I can understand why you wouldn't want to break up before you come out because questions about why you wanted to split will inevitably arise. Coming out on your own terms in your own time is your prerogative. However, it is supremely unfair to her to continue stringing her along.

    So, what can you say if you aren't ready to come out, but don't want to be completely dishonest? Maybe something like this:

    "[Girlfriend], it pains me to say this, but I'm afraid I have to end our relationship. You are very important to me, and I absolutely want us to remain friends, but I've been having some very, very personal problems that I need to work through. You have done nothing wrong: you have been an amazing girlfriend, but I won't be able to be the boyfriend you deserve."

    No doubt she'll want to know what your problem is. Perhaps she'll even be able to guess that you're gay. But whatever you do, don't phrase it in a way that implies that once you're "fixed" you'll be able to pick things right up again.

    Or if you don't want to even hint at the fact that you're having a problem, simply tell her and everyone else who asks that you are not ready to be in a committed relationship.

    If you think that you'll be ready to come out in the very near future (i.e., a matter of days or a few weeks tops), then wait to do this until then. But if you think it will be a matter of months/years rather than days or weeks, then I would say that you should break things off with her before you come out.

    Best of luck (*hug*) This is a rough situation you're in, but I think you'll be able to handle it with dignity.
     
  3. AAASAS

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    ^
    I'd take the above advice as it is pretty solid.

    If you plan on staying in the closet for an extended period of time the honourable thing to do would be to gently end the relationship.

    If you plan on coming out in a couple months or less, than maybe stick with her and then come out to her. Let her know that you were still attracted to her, and that she still is a beautiful girl; this may effect her self esteem because she may begin to question why you even dated her in the first place. So let her know she is the perfect heterosexual partner, you just aren't heterosexual, and that you thought she would be able to turn you straight, but that definitely did not happen.

    The key is to do no harm to the unknowing party. This can be very damaging to someones ego; dating a homosexual. I know a guy that dated a lesbian for years, and he was pretty down on himself for it, he started to question his self worth as a man. Which is dumb, but it can happen.
     
  4. Hard Candy

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    I had the same experience man. I felt like I was cheating on her, and I was cheating on myself.
     
  5. Phoenix

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    I wouldn't even tell her you thought she might turn you straight. She might feel used and upset. But I wouldn't even say anything until you're closer to being ready to be out about it.
     
  6. TheFirstStep

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    First off, thank you all for your advice. I really do appreciate it.

    And I also have to say, I knew from the start of this post that I wasn't the only one who went\is going through this kind of problem; but it sure helps to know that at least one person here has done what I will be doing soon...

    So thanks for showing me that im not that much of an unusual case Hard Candy.

    I only wish there was a less painfull way to go about doing it.

    "Tomorrow is another opportunity to do a little better."
    -An inspiration poster from 9th grade English.
     
  7. pinklov3ly

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    I think you're very brave for taking the first step, it's not easy, but you are doing the right thing. That way, you can still remain friends after everything is said and done. She could turn out to be one of your biggest supporters, good luck :slight_smile:
     
  8. Chip

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    Hi,

    First, welcome to EC, and second, I'm really sorry you're having to go through this. It's never easy, and there's no easy way to do this.

    If you tell her you have personal problems, you'll get the "No matter what it is, we can work through it together" line, and I would be *very* surprised if she lets it go without you telling her what the issue actually is, so if you use that, you're sort of painting yourself into a corner to tell her you're gay. Which means you'd have to be OK with coming out to her.

    And the issue there is... she will likely be hurt and angry, no matter how much you try to be gentle about it, because even though it isn't your fault, the stages of loss (denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance) will still come into play when you tell her. And that could result in her going home and telling her friends, and if there are any friends in common with yours... then your secret is no longer a secret.

    So, honestly, I feel like you just have to say something like "I'm really sorry, I like you and care for you very much as a friend, but this just isn't working for me as a relationship. It isn't you, it's all me, and I'm just not feeling it." That's far and away better than "I'm having a personal problem" because then there's nothing to discuss, as you're essentially saying you just don't feel an attraction to her. It's a tiny bit disingenuous, as you're implying it's her, and not ALL women, but it's the best course of action if you aren't ready to come out.

    Any way you do it, she will likely be hurt and angry, but staying in the relationship is even worse, because when you eventually do break it off, she'll probably figure out you've known for a while and didn't tell her, and that's being even less authentic. So doing it now, as uncomfortable as it is, is definitely the right way to go.
     
  9. TheFirstStep

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    The Stages of Greif...

    There seems to be a fine line between coincidence and irony... We were just discussing the stages of loss and greif in my psychology class today; and it really got me thinking about it. I understand that she will be angry and sad, for quite a while, but i cant help but look towards the light at the end of the tunnel. (however distant that light may be) Just as it was stated above by 'pinklov3ly', she might be my biggest supporter eventually... And by extension, her family too. That is after she comes to terms with my decision to live my life without lies.
    I never really contemplated having to do this, i always hoped this would eventually reveal itself to be a phase, and that life would go on the way its supposed to. But this is reality, and if it means i have to put myself out there in order for the truth to be known, ill be willing to do whatever it takes to bring happieness to her and to me.
    I just want to do the right thing. Over time, the wounds will heal, and one day... heal enough to forgive me. i hope.
     
  10. Shadow7796

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    I am in the same boat right now, but we will both work through it :slight_smile:
     
  11. TheFirstStep

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    Dude, I feel your pain. And it not Only comforts me to know that I'm going through the same thing as someone else at the exact same time, but it also saddens me that you too are feeling probably just as turned around as I am.

    I definitely wish you the best. And I appreciate the friend request. :slight_smile:

    If you feel in the need for support, I wouldn't mind lending an ear... Keyboard and monitor... Whatever! I mean if you need support after we gain the privilege of using the chat rooms, I'll be more than happy to not only help, but also open myself up for help from others. And that goes out to anyone else too.
     
  12. Thatoneguy

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    Well you have gotten some great advice already. Don't know if I can add much, but this was my situation until 5 days ago. I thoroughly recommend telling her as soon as you are comfortable.

    My ex is my biggest supporter so far, she was amazing when I told her, and I know she will be there to support me when I tell my parents.

    Waiting won't make it any easier, and the longer you put it off the worse it will feel for her.
     
  13. pitabread514

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    I know the feeling man. Last year I met a beautiful girl who almost had the same time as me, same last name, first name Christelle I am Christopher. After one month of talking to her online, went to see her by plane (If I wouldn't be attracted to her, I couldn't be to any girl). By this time, I knew I almost knew that I was gay from my previous relationships - I just wanted this to be the final confirmation before I officially gave up on girls. Well I chilled with her, hung out with the sea, held hands, but I was careful not to become overly intimidate as I didn't want us to get attached. I didn't want to hurt her feelings, I knew she was looking for love and I know a beautiful girl with a good heart like her could find someone better.

    Well slowly we cut down the relationship, even chatting online. I officially recognized myself as gay and adapted my lifestyle. Have to say, the last year has been the best of my life. I feel like the chains are broken, a sense of personal liberation. Especially mentally. Have found another guy I am with, feels great.

    Overall most important person to come out to is yourself...good luck.
     
  14. Byron

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    I agree with what Pitabread said, you need to slowly end the relationship. Just make sure it is slowly ending and not just continuing as normal. Don't cut if off abruptly, unless you are 100% sure it won't end badly, 100% sure, and then you better give her the real reason too. Chances are though, ending the relationship abruptly will end badly, although I know nothing about your girlfriend so.....do what is best for both of you but end the relationship. (the romantic relationship, if you can still be friends that's great!)
     
  15. TheFirstStep

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    I am working at it. I must say that im not happy working to ease away from her as she tries to make our relationship work. Her efforts, although futile, make me want to sympathize with her and be the good boyfriend. I've always had this problem with the 'good guy complex, where I feel obligated to always sacrifice my everything to make others happy.

    That good guy is still here. He's just tired of the charade. Im working to slowly bring this to an end, and eventually break it off with her in the not too distant future.

    On a side note; over the past few months that I've been with her, I've become really close with her family, her very large family. Their all good people, and I don't want to let them play the guessing game with her, when she doesn't even know the real reason as to why we broke up. So would it be a thoughtfull, or stupid thing for me to apologize for all of the pain that I caused them and their daughter.

    I guess I would be instilling the idea in their mind that im nor doing this to be a jerk, and that I still deeply care for her; but I also don't want to cause more harm than I already am.
    I. Sorry if im dragging this out, I just feel that I should ask these questions now, rather than after the fact and wish I had.
     
  16. TheFirstStep

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    I can't stop crying.

    I ended it with her today after she confronted me about why i seemed so distant.

    She asked me why, and i replied "'Girlfriend'. I can't lead you on anymore. You want the truth, here it is. I think your the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, and I really value you and our relationship. I cared too much about you to break your heart. But I can't pretend any more. I really like you Steph. And he problem isn't wig you, its all on my head. And im sorry for all of this shit I put you through! "

    I hope that she will come to forgive me one day. Im not sure if I can though.

    I still can't stop crying, but I feel like I did the right thing... :'(
     
  17. Chip

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    I'm sorry that you had to deal with that difficult situation, and there really is no way to do that without it being hurtful. People, when they get into relationships, make themselves really vulnerable (if the relationship means anything) and so, in turn, it's really easy to be hurt. And it sounds like both of you are hurting.

    But you did the right thing. And even though she may not understand it... once you are ready to come out, then she will. :slight_smile:

    It's hard. And she may be angry for a while. But ultimately, she will be appreciative that you took the steps to be honest, and not go down a path that would end up being much more harmful for both of you. We have plenty of members here that have done the opposite (gotten married, because they were too afraid not to) and things are always much harder that way.

    As hard as it is, congratulate yourself for being authentic. That's the most important thing in any relationship.
     
  18. TheFirstStep

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    Today, after not talking to me for almost a week, my ex-girlfriend approached me as I was about to enter the college weight room.

    She hesitated, then told me:

    "if I see you in the halls, im going to wave to you, I don't want to have an awkward moment every time I pass you.?

    Deep wounds do heal slow, but it's steadily healing. I can feel a sense of deeper happiness being restored to my soul.
     
  19. nolarn2bcop

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    I know how hard that was for you but it was the best thing for you to do. Leading her on would be much harder for her in the long run. You wouldn't have wanted her to get any more serious about you. Maybe soon you'll be able to come out to her and let her know the truth.
     
  20. Chip

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    Wow. It's good that she's responding in a positive way. I predict there's a good possiblity you can, once you've given space to the situation, develop a good friendship with her.