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Frustration!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Ruby Dragon, Nov 11, 2012.

  1. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

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    Since I decided to be openly out, it seems like so many men are attracted to me and it's driving me insane! I enjoy the attention but I just don't think I can be with a man again. Could it be that I'm perhaps a homoflexible lesbian? I don't consider myself bisexual.

    Speaking of which, the girl I've gone on the dates with mentioned that even though I identify as butch, I still have a lot of feminine qualities. That sort of hurt. I don't want to be seem as fem, or even "futch"... What do I have to do to be more butch? I know I still have feminine clothing, that may be the biggest issue at the moment... I just want people to immediately get the right impression of me and not mistake me for a bisexual or even straight woman. It's so frustrating that I can't seem to find the right identity (look) to be on the outside what I am on the inside. I don't know what to do, where to start and how to go about it. Does anyone have advice/tips for me?

    Perhaps this'll help: I'm quite tall (1.79m / about 5ft10) with quite big hands and broad shoulders. I don't have a masculine face though, and have both my ears pierced, which probably just adds to me looking a bit too girly. Perhaps more piercings will do the trick? :lol:

    I just feel fake at the moment and just wish I knew how to be the true me...:eusa_doh:
     
  2. Toffee

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    If you don't want to be with a man and don't consider yourself to be bisexual it doesn't really seem likely that you are homoflexible.

    As for how to butch it up well I'm probably not the best person to help you since I am femme but I think that appearing more butch probably will help you to deter some male attention. I think if you feel strongly about discovering your true identity that you should get rid of your feminine clothing and invest in more masculine clothing.
    I don't know what the latest fashions are in men's clothing are but I think that perusing the local department store will help with that.

    I'm not sure about piercings surely more would make you look more girly? You could wear small unisex studs or hoops.
    I think being butch is probably more than just the clothes you wear but also your general demeanour and attitude so you could try to act more masculine as well like in the way you walk and sit etc.

    What was your date referring to when she said you have a lot of feminine qualities? Did she mean your face? Your demeanour? Your clothes? ...once you've got your clothes off? :wink: I don't think she meant to hurt your feelings and you could maybe explain to her why to this hurt. I think you could have a problem though if it was these "feminine qualities" that attracted her to you but now you intend to purge yourself of them.
     
  3. ameliawesome

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    you are the true you from the inside, not the outside. if you want to look more masculine then yeah, you could wear different clothes or style your hair differently. but there are also plenty of women who dress butchly yet are completely straight. all that matters is that you are comfortable in your own skin. if guys hit on you and you're not interested, just tell them so. and i agree with toffee, if your date likes a little femininity in you then she might lose interest if you consciously block out your more feminine qualities.
     
  4. AAASAS

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    Maybe you already know your identity, and are trying to change it to adhere to social conventions on what a lesbian should look like.

    It can be difficult to find someone if you aren't obviously gay, I am the same as you but on the male spectrum, nothing about me gives my sexuality away, and I feel if I was more "flamerish" I could possibly attract someone, but that is the wrong train of thought.

    Just be yourself, you can still identify lesbians, and are comfortable with letting others know you are, so why not just approach people you are interested in. I am sure the majority are attracted to femme girls, since lesbians are attracted to girls, and nothing says feminen sexuality like some girly clothes. So maybe you are being put off by the wrong things?

    Sounds like you know exactly who you are, and are more considered with how other perceive it. As for the male attention, just take it, males are horny anyways, butching yourself up won't deter them completely, and may subjugate you to being chirped for being butch. I'd rather be complimented than chirped.
     
  5. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

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    The reason why I said I may be homoflexible is I would consider kissing a guy and even have sex with him if I feel like it but I know I won't really be satisfied anyway. (Not the point though). I just won't DATE a guy again. As in, I don't see myself in a steady relationship with a man... As I know I won't be happy.

    I feel my clothing plays a huge role in how people perceive me and also how I perceive myself. I'm not comfortable in girly clothes at all, but unisex clothes are ok, though I would be most comfortable in men's clothes... Shopping time (something I loathe...)

    I feel I have quite a masculine walk, and I certainly don't sit in a feminine way. I seldom, if ever, have my legs together and when I cross them, it's ankle-on-knee, or just cross them at the ankles... So that in itself should also give it away.

    I have no idea what she was referring to when she said I have lots of feminine qualities. Perhaps the way I treat her? The way I talk to her, or the way I dress. I don't know. I'll have to check with her to be sure. She did, however tell me that she likes my hair the way it is and doesn't want me to cut it even shorter. I'm not sure about that because I don't feel happy about my hair... I think if I have a more masculine cut it would also help a lot.....

    I don't mind the attention from guys, it's quite flattering to know they're still interested even though I'm far from girly. Perhaps that's what they like??? Anyway, I even went so far as to tell a colleague of mine who is obviously interested in me that I'm gay but that didn't seem to deter him. He's now more determined than ever, so that's a bit frustrating, almost annoying

    Perhaps I am trying to adhere to social conventions of what a lesbian should look like, but that is what would make me feel most comfortable. And true to myself on the OUTSIDE too. I don't know, it's just all so complicated right now.

    I honestly don't give a damn how others feel about butch women. If they have a problem with how I dress or how I choose to style my hair then they don't need to interact with me. There are plently of people who will accept me as I am (soon to be anyway).

    Trouble with approaching someone I'm interested in is I'm scared of rejection. Since I know there's a big possibility they may be completely straight... Guess it's a chance I'll have to take :lol: Just have to get my confidence up and jump right into conversation. Asking for a number is probably the most subtle way of letting them know I'm interested.

    Well - watch this space. That's about all I can add at this stage. :slight_smile:
     
  6. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

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    I asked the girl what she meant when she said I still have feminine qualities, and her answer: "You are very soft (gentle), decent and well-mannered. My butch friends aren't like that, perhaps they are just rude, lol. But I am crazy about you just as you are"

    So guess it's not such a bad thing then :lol:
     
  7. Toffee

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    I think in the future you could do your shopping online but since you may not know your size in men's clothing yet it's probably better to do your shopping in person for now.

    That's a shame she likes your hair as it is.

    ---------- Post added 13th Nov 2012 at 06:54 AM ----------

    D'awwww! That's really cute (!)
     
  8. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

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    I just get easily annoyed when I can't find what I'm looking for, and I hate crowded places like shopping malls. Always feel like I'm in everybody's way. And I'll also probably need to go by myself so will need to use my own judgement. Which is not such a bad thing come to think of it but it'll be nice to at least have some company...

    A more personal matter is underwear. I'm quite big breasted (G-cup) and therefore cannot find nice bras, have to wear those old-fashioned ugly ones because those are the only ones I can find in my size! And I'll be so ashamed to remove my shirt in front of someone and have them see this.

    But that's unfortunately something I have little control over. The bigger problem is, which undies should I wear? Or doesn't it matter? :icon_redf

    Very cute. Went for a milkshake with her at 9 and when we kissed and hugged each other hello it was extra long, almost like she didn't want to take her lips off mine or let me go. I think that was super adorable. Ok, fine, I'm infatuated with her :rolle: When we kissed and hugged again before we parted ways, we again got shocked looks from bystanders. Perhaps they're jealous that they're not getting any lovin' :lol:

    I actually had the intense urge to give her a full-on smooch right there and then. Talk about public display of affection :icon_wink
     
  9. Toffee

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    I have an extremely large chest so I have the same problem as you. I have to go to a specialist bra shop that sells bras for large chested women in many different pretty and modern designs, though I don't suppose you'd want to pretty ones lol, they also sell some more plain bras, it's a UK based company called Bravissimo so you could look them up I think they deliver world wide. Another idea would be to find a good fitting underwired sports bra as they have a more plain and practical appearance.

    Undies: I assume you'd want to wear men's underwear? I think you could find boxers or briefs quite easily you'd just have to get them in a men's "small".

    Your date sounds wonderful I'm so glad it went well for you it does sound very cute and to hell with shocked by standers this is the 21st century FFS! :lol:
     
  10. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

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    I can't wear underwires. They chafe me... And because I also do horseriding, I have to think of something versatile. Sports bras are an option I suppose, but I'm not too sure about whether or not they'd eventually sort of stretch out too much and then be ineffective anyway... Lol

    Yes, I want to switch to men's underwear. But can't seem to find any I like. And I'd also like to get a few pairs of boxers and tshirts to sleep in, but finding boxers are a bit of a headache at the moment. Perhaps I've just been looking in all the wrong places?

    Yesterday I took the plunge and asked her to be my gf. She said she needs time to think about it:dry: What I don't get though is she keeps telling me that she's crazy about me, and she only wants to be with me, and she has all these cute pet names for me (my angel, my love, etc.) It's driving me insane! Why can't she just give me a straight answer? Now I'm all paranoid because her actions say one thing but now that push comes to shove she needs time... PFFFT! :bang:
     
  11. Toffee

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    Ah maybe you could get non underwired sports bras? The only problem is when you have a large chest is that non underwired bras don't give as much support but a non underwired sports bra could solve that problem especially if you are horse riding. I'd suggest you find a good bra shop and arrange to have a fitting and get some advice.

    It is possible to get men's style underwear that is made for women I know because I bought two pairs some years back to try them out from the women's underwear department at Marks and Spencer's here in the UK. They are better because they are in appropriate sizes to fit women's hips with the right gusset size (for sanitary pads). I never did buy any more though because I prefer women's style underwear. I had a look on their website though and they don't seem to sell them any more... But not to worry I found this company and they specialise in making masculine underwear for women Let's Be Brief :thumbsup:

    Wow I'm really surprised that she is so reluctant :confused: Could there be other matters that are complicating things, like is she closeted? Is her family highly religious? Or maybe she has been dating other people as well? Sounds really strange to me. Have you asked her why she needs more time to think about it?
     
  12. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

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    After a long discussion that lasted almost all day, I finally sent her this:

    "All I'm asking is for you to please just be more straight-to-the-point than speak in riddles. I always end up saying all the wrong things, which then upsets you or leaves you dissatisfied and I have no idea what you're on about...:slight_smile:"

    Her reply:

    "I don't get upset about things you say, I'm just trying to understand and that's not easy. And yeah, perhaps I don't want to do the gf thing because I'm afraid of getting hurt and that I'm just another experience to you until you grow tired of it and move on. That's what's holding me back. You also don't always say stuff that motivates me to give you a chance..."

    AAAARRRRGH!:bang: I'm so :***: tired of this game!

    The rest of the conversation up to this point in time as follows:

    Me: "Fair enough" "Then we just leave everything"

    Her: "Oh nevermind"

    Me: "It just hurts very much to hear those things. But yeah, I cannot force anybody to be with me and it doesn't help that I try to fight for you if you're not willing to give me a chance"

    Me again: "It just sometimes feels like a yo-yo, and I don't know where I fit in. You say you like me and miss me but I don't understand..it just hurts really bad"

    Her reply: "I DO like you and I miss you every day, and I want to be with you. Nothing is a yo-yo. All I'm trying to say is, just be sure that I am the one you want to be with"

    My reply: "I AM certain. [Her name], I smile whenever you send me a message, and when I'm with you my heart feels like it's going to beat right out of my chest. I get nervous because I want to impress you and make you happy. I'll even take off my shirt for you and put it across a mud puddle for you to walk on so you don't get your feet dirty. I am crazy about you"

    Her reply: "Was that so hard?"

    Me: "I only said what's in my heart"

    Now it's a waiting game I suppose... At least I haven't messed things up.

    ---------- Post added 14th Nov 2012 at 07:57 AM ----------

    Just a ... small ... update:

    SHE SAID YES!!!


    (!) :eusa_danc (!!):thewave::wow:
     
    #12 Ruby Dragon, Nov 14, 2012
    Last edited: Nov 14, 2012
  13. Toffee

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    Awesome! I was really worried reading that for a second :eusa_danc Aw I'm so glad things have worked out for you really I am.
    It just sounded like she was a little insecure about whether you really wanted her is all.
    Congrats you really deserve this :thumbsup:
     
  14. Cassandra

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    And this is a perfect example of why I always prefer to speak with the truth to the people. When you say exactly what you feel and think, people answer back the same way, and you understand each other.

    Congratulations!!!(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
     
  15. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

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    Thanks you guys :icon_bigg

    I'm sooooo happy that things have finally come together.

    Now I have a different problem... I've previously mentioned to my mom that there is a girl I'm interested in, and her reply was, "Just don't bring her home"

    That broke my heart into a million-and-one pieces. Now that we're officially a couple, it's going to be hard to NOT want to bring her home and have her spend some time with me at my place too. But if I'm going to have a hard time from the parents, I'm not too sure that it's such a good idea. Any advice there? Do I tell them that we're now dating and that I'd like to at least have her over? I already know what their reaction will be but I just can't leave it at that. It's so frustrating that I don't have their support :tears:
     
  16. Toffee

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    I'm sorry to hear your parents are so hostile :frowning2: I take it you still live with your parents? Gosh that is really harsh. I mean you could defy them and bring her over anyway but if they are going to treat her badly -and it sounds like they would- then I don't know if there really is any solution other than hoping that they come around to the idea eventually.
    To be honest I think the best thing would be for you to move out and get a place of your own.

    Until then maybe you could take you parents and your girlfriend out to dinner at a restaurant get them to meet her and see how nice she is and how much she means to you somewhere neutral rather than at home. Once they are introduced to her and get used to the idea that you are gay and have a girlfriend and this is not going away they may change their minds :confused:
     
  17. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

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    Yeah, I still live with them, and cannot afford to move out :tears: so I'm pretty much stuck... I doubt they'd treat her badly, but they'd certainly give me an earful once she's left. I just wish they'd get over it already and just accept that I am gay. The subject often comes up randomly but I can never quite tell exactly where they are in the stages of acceptance (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance - I think that's it). At this stage it seems like they are in the anger/bargaining stage and are sort of getting stuck there.

    Taking them all out to dinner sounds like a super idea. Perhaps I should suggest that to them and hear their thoughts on it. That would also give me a better guide as to where they currently are in their stage of acceptance... I just wish I could fast forward to where they finally accept it, or at least peek into the future to see how long it'll take for them to get there