So my story isn't exactly a new one and I have read other threads similar to what I am about to get into but I want some advice on my situation and generally someone to listen and talk about it with. I am still in the closet (unfortunately) but I want to come out so bad! except I keep talking my self down eg. that its just a phase, I'm not really gay just experimental. (geez I'm even shaking typing this!) I have had experiences with men before, I perv on men, I fantasize etc etc I just feel that attraction. My big problem, I have been going steady with a girl for 2 years, I have tried to break it off numerous times with her, all to no avail. I even once came out to her while I was drunk, she pleaded that it wasnt me speaking, Im just saying it etc. she did not take it well at all. the next morning I couldnt stick to my resolve and stayed. we keep having fight after fight that always end in me giving up, I have just not been able to be honest with her when I know I should. Whats worse is I'm the one supporting her. Money, clothing, food, rent, EVERYTHING. I just keep feeling like I'm going to ruin her life if I am completely honest. Which leads me to the worst part, because of my inadequecies I myself have fallin in to what you could call a pit of despair. I just dont see a bright future for myself anymore, I dont even think as me, I dont act like me, I'm just not me anymore. I just feel empty and I wont even help myself. I just want to feel happy again and not this fake happy mask I seem to wear everyday. Thanks for listening. :help:
Oh my this is a sticky situation. You need to plant your feet firmly on the ground and tell her to listen to you, have a little tone. Practice in a mirror saying "I am gay" or even just saying the word gay to get used to it. And it really seems that she needs to begin to support herself and get some income. Just sit down and talk about you being gay and talk with her about getting a source of money, start paying less and less until she gets some income, don't just leave her there in a hurry, give her some support ( not too much ) so that you can get out there and indulge yourself in what life has to offer instead of being super glued to her best of luck to you solving this problem. (*hug*)
Thank you for your advice, I'm slowly going to rebuild my confidence in the hope I can do this. Apart of it is just having someone to listen as well. I have already put her on the track to gaining an income for herself but now its a matter of convincing her to responsibly manage her income. But I think she will leave in a hurry if I say to her what I really feel. She has made it clear that if I break up with her she will throw everything away and go back to her parents. I feel pidgeon-holed because I just feel that it now rests on me whether she succeeds or not you know?
This sounds like an incredibly unhealthy situation, and very codependent. The following is a little harsh, but very true: Her income, ability to manage money, and success or lack thereof in life is not your responsibility. Honestly, if she cannot manage by herself, then she may need to go back to her parents; it is certainly not on you to take care of her. One of the hardest things for people who are codependent (I'm talking about you here) is to realize that they are, in fact, enabling the other person's dependence. As long as she has you, she has no real reason to change. And if she doesn't have you to take care of her, she'll be forced to take responsibility for herself, which is as it should be. You need to focus on you. That doesn't mean being unkind to her, but you need to tell her. It's clear that she already knows, but doesn't want to believe it (perhaps because she doesn't want to give up her meal ticket.) So you have to make it clear. Perhaps you write a letter, or sit her down and calmly tell her this is how it is, it won't change, and she needs to accept it. But be prepared for her to pull out absolutely every manipulation and trick in the book to get you to stay, including threatening to harm herself. If that happens... you have to stay strong and just say that if she continues to talk like that, you'll be forced to call the authorities because you can't let her do that to herself. Honestly, I don't think the weaning off idea will work, because it sounds like the relationship is so enmeshed that it won't be healthy for either of you, and she's unlikely to go along with removing the enmeshment. So a clean break may be necessary. And... in the meantime, you need to start working on yourself and your own self-esteem. I'm going to suggest that you take about an hour out of your day and watch the following three videos. The person presenting, Dr. Brené Brown, is a brilliant researcher who works directly in the areas of self-esteem, shame, and how you address those issues so that you can begin to live fully and wholeheartedly. If her work speaks to you, she has several books I can suggest. [youtube]X4Qm9cGRub0[/youtube] [youtube]_UoMXF73j0c[/youtube] [youtube]psN1DORYYV0[/youtube]
Thanks very much for the response. I understand that it is a matter of being strong in my resolve and not caving to her manipulative ways, keep in mind I have shared 2 years of my life with this person who slowly over this time has changed me into a timid, apologetic person. I know it isn't completely her fault, it takes 2 to tango, I just feel too responsible for this happening and cant help having scared feelings of how she would react. my confrontational skills are not what they used to be and whatever I say to her she seems to have all the responses to negate everything. she's been doing this for 2 years or else I wouldnt be in this situation. GAH! I just feel so helpless!! I am truly grateful for the videos too, every little bit helps.
