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Help with bi-sexual feelings

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Neutrality, Nov 12, 2012.

  1. Neutrality

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    Soo...I've recently discovered that after years of soley dating guys that I do like girls too...I went into how my mom abused my physically and that turned me off from girls in another thread but, this is more of a request for assistantce with a practical matter in relationships....

    So...I don't like being the "man" in a relationship, everytime I have been with a guy it has been an equals thing or I'm the "woman"...and I like that...I can't imagine being a protector or provider for someone else...I kind of like someone to take care of me...but is it possible to find that with a woman too? I kind of just assume I may as well be 100% gay because the kind of woman I'm attracted to would have to be a bit of a tom boy and couldn't wear alot of make up or dresses or skirts....feminine things like that turn me off...long hair is ok though...but is it possible to find a woman like that whose ok with me taking a more feminine role in the relationship? Or should I just focus on men who it's easier to find the masucline qualites I like with and remain open to dating that 1 in a million girl if she comes along?
     
  2. fluidity

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    Hey.

    I can very much relate to this. I'm out as a lesbian to all that know me but have feelings towards men occasionally. Usually these men are gay so for a while I thought maybe it was just the unobtainable that attracted me, but I think it could also be a personality compatiblity, which often blossoms into great friendships and maybe oneday it will happen with a bisexual male, who knows... I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you're attracted to a certain type of person, all you can do is stay open to that possibility without boxing other possibilities off. I wouldn't rule out a woman wanting to 'take care' of their partner, I know of a few (as well as myself). Some will be gay, but plenty of straight and bisexual girls are very open to ditching stereotypical gender roles. I think you should just remain open to partners of any gender who you find attractive and can see yourself in a relationship with. :slight_smile:
     
  3. Neutrality

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    Thanks =), I'm not really sure what to tell people though...I guess I could say pansexual since it seems to be a certain type of personality that attracts me regardless of if the person is male or female, it just so happens that it's more common for men to have the personality I'm drawn to.
     
  4. Chrissouth53

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    To be honest with you, I think both parties in relationships these days are more equal, and the chances of finding a woman who will take care of you and do all the protecting and providing is probably slim.

    But that doesn't mean you won't find some hot female executive with a lot of drive who wants a boy toy to hang with :slight_smile:
     
  5. LailaForbidden

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    Speaking from a woman's point of view, i would prefer if a guy or girl i was dating were equal to me. To be completely honest, i don't like the whole macho-man, protector thing (y'know, stereotypical relationships), so I think i'd welcome more feminine men or different gender roles into the picture as long as we both respect each other as equals. My point is, don't worry! There are girls out there who welcome a different types of relationship.
     
  6. musicgeek13

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    There are definitely some women who are straight but prefer to take the dominant role. I would just say to go with the flow and whoever it is that comes along who you are attracted to, man or woman, go for it!
     
  7. Neutrality

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    =) Thanks for all the helpful supportive replies yall, I guess now I just need to figure out how to re come out as bi instead of 100% gay, without people thinking I'm just doing this for attention or flip flopping or whatever
     
  8. jargon

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    I had to do that same re-coming-out thing, in my case mostly because one of my friends gave everyone the impression that even though I was claiming bi, I'd turned gay :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Anyways, agreement with there being women who are open to a more equal relationship. Just fair warning: from my experience, sometimes women who like the idea of an equal relationship are still very attached to being the feminine one in certain situations. I've also known at least one who ended up going the exact opposite way though, so its a situational thing.
     
  9. Neutrality

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    Thanks for the heads up, I think because of what I like in a lover and how I like to be treated I'll most likely end up with a guy but, who knows maybe that special girl is out there too. =P
     
  10. fluidity

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    I don't think you necessarily need to "come out" again. I haven't anyway. The way I see it is, if I meet someone of the opposite sex and fall in love, then I'll explain how I feel to people. If I don't, then my close friends will remain the only ones who know I have a slight leaning that way too. But if your more comfortable with it being out there, then yeah pansexual is always a good way to put it. Although you will probably find yourself explaining what that means to many!
     
  11. Odahingum

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    If you would like a woman who doesn't expect the man to lead and provide and decide, and prefers to keep the power to herself, your best chance is to date a feminist. Fortunately for us submissive guys, they abound these days.
     
  12. Chip

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    One of the best suggestions I can offer is to see a therapist for a dozen or so sessions. Someone who has experience with LGBT people. Your situation is a bit complicated becausse of the abuse by your mom, and you owe it to yourself to unpack that before you can make any definitive decisions about where your sexual orientation lies. :slight_smile:

    One other thought: It might be worth exploring what exactly it is that you're attracted to in men or in women. It's possible that seeking a "tomboy girl" could be a part of "bargaining" in the stages of loss, because you really aren't quite as OK with being gay as you think you are; a lot of men, just as they are getting ready to fully accept themselves, play these sort of mind games with themselves to convince themselves that they aren't really gay.

    If you have genuine sexual attraction and arousal to some women... then it's clear you're not completely gay. But as I said, given the complexity and the history, I think you're a lot better off to explore things with a therapist before coming to a conclusion for yourself.
     
  13. Neutrality

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    Honestly it's not my mind that these attractions originate in, it's that other place...like down there...just like when I'm spending time wiht a guy I like it feels exactly the same...If it was just a mental attraction and I wasn't getting excited down there I wouldn't be worried about it at all...but I can even get off thinking just about certain kinds of women, just as easily as I can to thinking of men....it's 100% the same feeling.

    And I mean there is no doubt in my mind that I like guys, so no mind games would work there....I still think it's more then likely I'll end up with a guy....It's just certain personalities that seem to attract m more then anything...and guys have that personality type more....but I've just noticed some girlsa have it to and it seems to draw me in the same way on the,
     
    #13 Neutrality, Nov 14, 2012
    Last edited: Nov 14, 2012
  14. TheSeeker

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    Human sexuality is fluid and evolves over time... Enjoy the ride and remember you're not just bisexual, you're bi-winning. POW! Tiger blood...