I am sure I can talk about this here. It's not really a LGBT topic...but I just don't know where to go to get some opinions about this....kind of annonymously. I have a friend, who I consider my BEST friend...we get along so well, and our marriages are somewhat similar in that we love them, but are not IN love with them. We are very close. Sometimes. We are SO close...we can read eachother like a book. But, after several years, I'm having a hard time with our friendship. Maybe I'm selfish, but it just doesn't seem right. Her husband travels for work. He'll be home a month, then gone a month, stuff like that. I completely understand about "family time" when he's home, I get that. My husband used to travel too, and I understand how you want to spend time with them when they are home. But, we go from SO close, talking all the time, etc etc, to non existant status. I have some "rules" I have to follow. I can't cal when he's home. At all. I definitely cant' stop by. I can't "reply" to her Emails, I have to create a new one so the old Email isn't showing in the reply. That rule, I forget fairly often. I don't even exist when he's home. It's not a happy marriage, but it is more because of the fact that he can be a little (ok, a LOT) controlling. He was born and raised in the Middle East, where sometimes women have very few rights compared to here. He especially controls who she talks to, sees, etc. Best friends, I think, are there for each other when needed. I am NOT a needy person. But there have been times, sure, where I've really wanted to talk to her, if nothing else, just to get my mind off whatever's going on. She can call me whenever convenient for her, but I can't call her when he's home. There have been some pretty big things happen in my life this past year, and she won't even call to check up on me, see how I'm doing, while he's home. It's very hard. I would do anything for her. And when he's gone, we are very close. But it's so hard to just shut that off when he's home. I've never really had a friendship like this before, with RULES. Stipulations that I need to follow. I'm feeling like I'm starting to slowly push her away. I don't want to, but I also feel like I need to take care of myself, which I never do, and I know this roller coaster is very hard on me. So close when he's gone, nonexistant when he's home. I love her with all of my heart, but sometimes I wonder if I'm just being used when he's gone. I know if he didn't travel for work, we would have no relationship at all. I hate missing her all the time. Because we go from talking or seeing eachother daily, often more than once, to nothing. She will try to call me once in awhile when he's home, but from her cell phone, when she's running to the store or something. I've actually told her in the past it feels like we're having an "affair." Talking behind his back, once in awhile planning to meet at the grocery store at the same time.... Am I crazy, or selfish, for having such a hard time with this??? I know we both love each other very much. But sometimes, it sure doesn't feel like it. She's only there for me when he's not home and it's convenient. I'm here for her 24/7, always. I've always been one to give more than I receive....but I think as I get older, it's starting to bother me even more. I would love to get an outside opinion on this.
All i can offer is my two cents....it sounds as though your friend's life must be hell. If indeed her husband is so controlling, jealous, and well, horrible as to be threatened by her friends, living with him must just be a nightmare. If there are social/economic reasons she is not free to leave him, and she doesn't dare to defy him, then she is beyond trapped. The question then is do you want to continue to offer her this one-sided support? There are people for whom you'll do anything to help. Anything it takes to make their lives even a fraction of a bit better. There are other people to whom you say, "Look, when you get your act together, and can act like an equal in this relationship, let me know." Only you can decide which category you and your friend fall into. I'm not sure any advice can make that decision easier for you, except to confirm that yes, it is seriously messed up, and yes, you *do* have a choice to make, just so you can stop brooding about it and driving yourself nuts.
if she's truly unhappy with her husband then she probably needs you. is she afraid of him? because it sounds like you don't exist when he's there because you can't exist when he's there. my opinion is if you care about her happiness then don't just abandon your friend. the frustrating part, from what i can see in your post, is that she seems willing to sacrifice her own happiness in order to preserve a poor marriage. do you/can you talk to her about it?
Thanks. Well, I know I can't do anything to help her situation, I guess where I'm asking for advice is if I'm just horrible to even consider taking care of my own emotions, and letting her go. I don't want to. And things didn't used to be like this. She always says it's her, not him. I don't believe her life is a nightmare by any means, and she does stick up to him quite a bit. We used to talk when he was home, here and there, maybe once a week on the phone. That all stopped. If I'm there visiting while he's working, (she invites, I'm not one to force myself on her), if he calls, I have to be quiet, jeez, if I have to cough I have to run to another room. And if he's home, and she were to call me while he was gone, she freaks out when she hears the garage door open and has to get off the phone. If something has changed regarding me, she will NOT tell me. This has been going on the past year now. She doesn't want to leave him. We've talked about it. Financially, she could. I don't bring it up, she does. I figure it's none of my business how she lives her life if she chooses to, but it is my business how I feel....and I feel like I'm wrong, being selfish, to feel the way I do. But the friendship is just a big roller coaster. Very good, then nothing. We can finish each other's thoughts. She can tell just by my typed words how I'm feeling. Seriously. So I am quite sure she knows how I'm feeling about this. I am not one to look for what I can get out of friendships, relationships. I'm a "do-er." And happy to go out of my way for anyone I love, anytime. I don't expect it from her, but it sure would be nice to have someone in my life to treat me the way I think I treat my friends. I'm probably just feeling sorry for myself. But it hurts. ---------- Post added 12th Nov 2012 at 09:02 PM ---------- <<from what i can see in your post, is that she seems willing to sacrifice her own happiness in order to preserve a poor marriage. do you/can you talk to her about it?>> You hit the nail on the head there. I swear, she seems like she deserves this, for any bad choices she's made in her life. We have talked about it, and the way she always puts it is "I made my bed, now I have to lie in it." When it comes to talking about stuff like this, any one little thing can cause her to clam up. But, I really do know that she doesn't think highly of herself at all, and she thinks she deserves to live like this. I just don't know what I can do to help her, Ihave been trying for years. She doesn't "need" people. She prefers to suffer in silence. Different than me, I like to talk about things, and the tears can be stopped with just a hug, for me...usually! Although my life is ok, I have nothing to cry about. Figure of speech!
I am so sorry for your friend. She doesn't deserve this, no matter why she thinks so. For her own safety, she need to get out, preferably when he is gone.:icon_sad: That is the only safe and sane option. It is called battered spouse syndrome *or something like that* :icon_sad: Sorry I am not a doctor, but I have had friends in those types of dangerous situations, some of them survived to get free, and some...well their spouses are now in jail for life.:tears: Please be safe (*hug*)
