Rant about life, school, and depression

Today has not been a good day. It's as if my mind said, "Nope, not doin' this anymore." I can't get motivated to do the massive amount of homework I have (some of which is due tomorrow). I skipped two of my classes. Other people seem to be noticing, too. When I asked this one girl in my math class (who is very cute, by the way) if I could get the notes from her on Wednesday, she gave me this look that screamed, "Are you okay? 'Cause you don't look okay."

I am seriously beginning to question whether I'll be able to make it through college. My lack of motivation just keeps getting worse, and it has been for years. Seriously, if it weren't for the fact that I'm sure it would mess up my entire future I would drop out tomorrow. I love what I'm learning; I just hate school. I hate going to class and sleeping through half the lecture or not being able to focus because the whole :***: building is one massive trigger for me. The worst day was probably last Thursday when rather than paying attention in class I kept thinking of ways I could kill myself afterward.

I know I shouldn't feel this way. My life should be great. I understand the material I'm learning, and my school is completely paid for thanks to scholarships. As I said, I love that I'm finally getting to study physics. I even enjoy doing the homework for it! So why can't I get motivated to do it? I feel so worthless and lazy, and I know I'm just being over-dramatic. I feel like I probably don't even have depression, in spite of the fact that I've been diagnosed with it, and by seeking treatment all I've done is make my laziness worse by giving myself an excuse.

I know I'll feel better in a few days, but I'm also sure that it will only be a matter of time before this hits again, each time a little longer, a little more miserable than the last. How do I break this cycle? I've tried everything I can think of.

 

Finally I've been waiting for a post like this school has become hell, the only class I do like is the class the girl I'm kinda sorta with is in & of corse that means I get nothing done.:bang: can't wait for brake who knew one week could take so long.:***:

 

Thanks for the response.

I've been seeing a counselor at my school since February. It's not really helping much.

I'm a physics major, but that's not what's causing me problems. At this point all of my physics courses have been ridiculously easy, algebra/arithmetic fails aside (what do you get when you square the square root of 2? Apparently, 4).

College isn't hard for me. If I could just focus on what I'm doing, there isn't a doubt in my mind that I would get a 4.0 in all classes (except upper-level math courses, which are pure evil anyways and I've long since stopped caring about).

The problem is motivation. I've been doing little things like what you suggested to motivate myself for years now. I probably wouldn't have graduated from high school otherwise -- I came within inches of dropping out my senior year. But it gets old. It feels like I shouldn't have to struggle this much to care about school, especially when I actually enjoy what I'm studying.

 

Well, I don't really have any friends, so that definitely doesn't help. I think I've just "hung out" with people maybe a dozen times since I started high school (which is about as far back as I can remember -- I have horrible memory). I'm horrible at connecting with people. Whenever I try to reach out, I fail. Usually I can shrug it off because I'm used to it. Last year, however, I tried to build up a genuine friendship with someone...and wound up falling for her instead. Which ended in disaster. That didn't help either.

As for the cause of lack of motivation, I'm not sure. In the end, I suppose it is probably depression, but that's, well, depressing. If it's hung around this long, it's probably here to stay, which means I'll have to struggle with it for the rest of my life, a thought which hardly inspires motivation.

 

I've begun to seriously question whether I'm on the right track. I used to keep myself motivated by constantly looking to the future, whether it was a few hours ahead when I was done with school or a few years ahead when I could finally start my career as a physicist. But after the nightmare that has been 2012, I just can't convince myself that the future is worth looking forward to anymore. This leaves me with the rather depressing present. I have some self-esteem issues thanks to various baggage from childhood and earlier this year. I've already complained enough about my social situation.

I guess you can sum up my depression as feeling that I am unlovable and that the future is hopeless. I know it's overdramatic, but if I'm honest with myself, that is truly how I feel, no matter how irrational it is.

Thanks. *hugs* Baked sweets sound delicious.