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Need advice on very confusing situation. Not sure what to do :(

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by paranoidmoose1, Nov 12, 2012.

  1. paranoidmoose1

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    hi, I'm 19 and openly gay and I've gotten myself in a bit of a predicament so to speak. I'm looking for advice on what people think I should do next as tbh it's got to the point where I'm really not sure. Apologies firstly as this post is really long but if anyone could it and offer any advice I'd be so grateful.

    Now I've been in love with a straight guy before (who happened to be my best friend at the time) which lasted into well over a year of misery and ended when I told him that he was basically everything to me. That signalled the end of the friendship and I vowed never fall for a straight guy ever again. That was 3 years ago and for the first time since then I really really like someone. However I fear I've fallen into the straight friend trap again and I'm seriously unsure how to get out of this.

    It goes back to may, so quite a few months ago now, when I discover I guy who went to my school added me on a social networking site (sad when I read it like this) he's a year younger then me so I never spoke to him but I remember he got on my bus and I've always found him to be really cute. Like really cute. That level of cute where you wonder how the hell anyone could possibly be that hot. I remember I was quite infactuated with him in school, but this is going back quite a few years now and this was way before I fell in love as I previously mentioned, and before I was out and comfortable with myself. Anyway back to may, so he added me and of course I had to except as he was still real hot, although with past experience I'd learnt to put up a safety net and assume every hot guy is completely straight and unavailable. Still I was curious and looked on his profile to find that he hadn't filled out the "interested in" section. Odd I thought, everything else had been filled in why not that? I didn't think anything of though and I just forgot about it. Then I noticed some pictures of him making out with these guys. Friends of his who say they are straight, they have girlfriends and are very open with their sexually. Still I found this silghty odd. Maybe these guys are just mega comfortable with their sexually, or something. Still I guess I didn't think much of it. But then we started talking.

    You see I find out that we have a rediculous amount in common. Same music, humor, movies, food, books. Everything. Que infactuation.

    Seems silly I know, I'd never spoke to him, but I'd found Myself completely smitten. Over the next 2 months he became all I could think of and I desperately tried to find any thing I could to discover if he was gay or bi. I noticed he had liked several gay related posts, mostly political, and he seemed very comfortable around his guy friends but not any girls. He's never gone on about girls like other guys do, and although he'd had a girlfriend they weren't together that long and he didn't seem all that interested - no lovey lovey kind of posts with hundreds of kisses to her or anything, in fact none at all. Meanwhile I was talking to him online and he would be sending me messages with multiple kisses on. I know it's looking into maybe a bit too much, but as I didn't actually know him I tried to find anything to justify my infactuation.

    Now we go 6 months down the line, my feelings for him are out of control and after several falled attempts trying to meet him I feel like giving up with everything. I've turned him into the only person I could ever be with and I desperately try and clutch onto anything I could of him. He stops replying to my messages but instead of stopping I keep sending them to him. Awkward I know. I reach a point where I feel like I just can't take anymore and get my friend to message him to ask him If he's gay. They start talking and at first he jokes around with it, not giving any clues to his sexually. But my friend persists and begins to really annoy him. He ends the message with "it's a secret and I don't know you well enough".

    Thats it! I thought he is totally into guys!

    But the next day I notice all of the pictures of him making out with guys are removed. And I start noticing him using words like "thats so gay, that's a right fag". which leads me so confused. Is this a defense mechanism or is he straight all along?

    Anyway 2 months later and through a crazy scheme I desperately conjoured up I finally convince him to meet. Yes I thought. After all this time I get to finally met him. The guy I've pretty much based my life around in the last 7 months... Well it goes really well, we talk for hours, hang out, listen to music and get to know each other. I was happy, it was great being with him and I realize that he is everything i thought he was and more. We meet up a second time and it doesn't go so well. He leaves after an hour and throughout the whole time he tells me how he went to a party and got with some girl the other night. I was angry and crushed and decided in that moment to just randomly come out to him. Not ideal I know, but after all this time I couldn't handle the possiblity of it just ending like that. "oh, okay" was his response, followed by an awkward silence. It stays like the for awhile as I drag the conversation back onto music. The awkwardness clears and we smile as we say goodbye. I walk home crushed. I stupidly decide it's a good idea to get completely drunk and go out to a field far away from anywhere and bawl my eyes out. Then in a drunken state I decided to text him and tell him everything. No reply. Bare in mind this is like the second time I'd met him.

    The next day I text him and tell him that I meant to send that text to someone else and apologize for it. It's completely unconvincing and it's painfully obvious that it was a lie. Oh course no reply. That's it I thought, this is it. Time to get over him. I delete him from my social networking site and make a bid to get over him and get on with my life.

    A whole month goes past without talking to him and I cave in. I re-add him as a friend and send him a message asking if he wants to go to an upcoming gig of one of our favorite bands. I didn't expect a reply, but to my shock I got one. "yeah I'm up for That" he says, as casual as that, as he accepts my friend request. Did he really believe that I meant to send that text to someone else I thought? or maybe he felt guilty and was just being nice. I have no idea.

    Anyway que to where I stand now. Last Thursday and the gig. I meet him and smiles and introduces me to two of his friends he brought "this is the guy I was telling you about" they smile and give me a hug. WHAT?! I've only just met them. what did he say about me? I was confused. Anyway me and him spend the whole night talking and I notice he becomes very touchy, like constantly brushing up against me and putting his arm around me. At one point I sit down and put my arms out to him and comes and sits on my lap. I couldn't believe what was happening, after all this time I longed for this moment. It didn't last for long, he got up and went to the other side of the room but I was happy. Then it came for us to leave and he gave me the biggest hug ever. He literally jumped at me and squeezed me so tight. Best night of my life. I was so happy. After all this time was this actually gonna happen!

    The next day I text him asking what he was up to. No reply. I text him again the next day, still no reply. 4 days later and he hasn't replied and he hasnt been online or replied to any of my messages or bids of making any kind of contact.

    What am I supposed to do now? I feel like giving up cus I'm so tired of feeling like this just as I think I get somewhere. Do you think he is gay/ bi, do you think he likes me? Why would he become so touchy suddenly now he knows I'm gay. What do I do now and how to I solve this. I feel stuck.

    I'm really sorry for the crazy long question and back story. I think I needed to get this off my chest as it's gone on so long and I don't really have anyone to talk to. If you read all this thankyou so much and I would love to hear any advice you could possibly give me on my situation.

    Thanks- Alex xx
     
    #1 paranoidmoose1, Nov 12, 2012
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2012
  2. Wow, quite the post there! :icon_wink Oh yes, why is it always the straight best friend?! Thankfully mine is such a great and understanding guy, things aren't any different. He doesn't feel the same way, but we are still the greatest of friends, thankfully. I plan on putting the whole story on here sometime and I bet it will be just as long as your post so don't feel bad. Anyhow, nothing more wrenching than being tugged around like this. Why it happens, who knows, but it is common for some reason. As for advice, think about this. You are no stranger to heartbreak. Look how things have evolved over time. The same can only be true from here on out. You and your relationships will change as time passes us all. I would say don't put too much emphasis on this and really look for someone who's right for you. I see this is your first post, and I am pretty new too! See where this site takes you. I am sure others will have awesome advice too. Keep going day by day, and stay busy with other things whenever you can!

    Best of luck! Keep me posted! :smilewave
     
  3. Amicus

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    Hello Alex,

    I think it would be best for you to do either of these two things:

    (1) Ask him how he feels about you. It's definitely weird that he started getting touchy-feely after you (a) told him you were gay and (b) dropped an atomic bomb of drunken feelings on him. Maybe it means he likes you. Maybe he and his friends thought your drunken feelings bomb was hilarious and so he's toying with you because he wants to see if you'll do it again. The only way to know for sure is ask. Maybe you can frame it in terms of having made a mistake before. You could say something along the lines of "[Friend's name], since we both know I have a history of misreading your cues, I just wanted to make sure: there wasn't anything to when you sat on my lap or anything like that, right?"

    (2) Do what you're inclined to do: wean yourself off him. Even if he is gay and into you, for all intents of purposes he is neither of those things as long as he doesn't tell you about them. His erratic behavior is clearly stressing you out, and I think that you'll be able to gain peace of mind and shake off this infatuation if you take some distance from him for a while.