Ok... so... I never thought I'd be here... I'm quite confused, so if some of you might give me a hand, I'd appreciate it a lot. I know that I'm on a LBGTcommunity page and forum and many will tell me I'm gay, others may not, I just want another opinion as this is killing me, almost in a literal way. The reason I'm writing here is because it's a safe place for the LGBT and questioning, curious, etc... people and I need the security as I feel down and need a safe place for my doubtings. Well, I'm 17 years old male from Mexico, and first letme give you some background. I think I'm or was (or something) straight, I always thought like that, but some months ago, a random thought entered my mind, a thought that told me I was gay. I kept telling myself: no, I'm not, but the thought kept coming and coming, and in some time, I broke and started saying yes. It freaked me out. Back then, I saw gay as a threat, as everybody is taught when little and I saw it as a threat to myself. This thought was strange as I always had feelings towards girls, but then I started looking into my past, and I think I might have liked a boy from when I was about 4 or 5, but I'm not sure. I was told by my mom that when I was little I liked Shakira and one of the Spice Girls. Growing up, I liked girls also, but, again, looking back, I think I might have liked(?) Leo DiCaprio and one dude from the Back Street Boys. I have read and maybe it was just admirtion, but it's freaking me out that it could have been attraction. I'm uber shy and never had a girlfriend because of that (I think). I was bullied in elementary and middle school. All my friends were guys from about kinder to 2nd year of middleschool. Again, through out all these years, I always thought I was straight and never liked a guy, or atleast not that I remember. For about 4 years, I had the same crush on a girl, and it faded away to be replaced by my current (I believe) crush. For months, I tried to be her friend, and I kind of succeeded, but the friendship went down and I believe it's almost inexistent after summer vacations. The thoughts started after the friendship went down, my parents (that hate each other) started fighting over money again, and I couldn't tell her i liked her (or did I?). Back in school, I was feeling overwhelmed by this thought that I could be gay. I started to feel depressed, I got quite negative, and my low self steem went on a long journey away from me, leaving me with practically no self steem. I started to get suicidal thoughts and my checkings on the internet became longer. I felt almost nothing towards girls, and I kept feeling nothing (i believe) towards guys. I learned mant things Internet can teach about psichology, sexual identity, gays, many other things. I understood gay wasn't bad, but still, I didn't want to be gay, I wanted to be with the woman of my dreams, but my sex drive was in the negatives so I felt different than before. I started looking at guys and became anxious because of that, and when I saw a good looking one, I would stare at him, I don't know if in admiration or attraction, but it just made me feel uncomfortable and strange. I felt scared that the reason I was friends with my friends because I liked them and I would try a move on them someday. I started to look at pictures of guys and women, both attractive on the net, to se who I was more attracted to. When I realize I'm straight, I feel with joy. I would think of the girl I like in the night and dream of how happy I'd be with her, not sex, but just spending time with her, but then the questioning comes again... Other times, I would try to accept me being gay. I would for some hours maybe, but it was forced I think. I would try to look at guys and think naughty, and sometimes I succeeded, but when a good looking girl passed, I'd look at her. The me being gay doesn't last for long and then it's the non-gay but questioning me that comes back (again) and then, another day I try to convince my self that I'm gay and that everything points to that. This 2 things happen oftenly now, but neither stays. My fantasies about girls went down, but fantasies with guys were non existent or practically non existent, not sure. The thing is, a couple of weeks ago, I noticed 2 guys specifically, and I'm not sure of what I think of them. Maybe they are good looking, or cute, or they have a faction I like (I have a thing for eyes). I wasn't sure! This lead to more anxiety than ever as my only pillar of never having a formal crush on a guy was on doubt as I don't know if I feel one for them. I started checking more and I found a thread in here that made me freak out and I think, accept more that I'm in denial. I don't want that! But if thats me, then what is going on? Why was I always attracted to girls always (or mostly maybe, i don't know)? I still like the girl I mencioned, but the sex impulse and other things are almost gone. I might be a porn addict, not sure. I always looked at straight or lesbian kind. More of the second as I was afraid I'd like the dude's thing. I've had I believe is social anxiety for many years, not sure though, its self-diagnosed and I can't trust that a 100% or, maybe I'm just shy and introverted. Yesterday I watched some minutes of gay porn, more than other times as an impulse made me do it. I haven't been able to get out one specific image on my mind, and it's driving me crazy! I wasn't aroused by the scene, but I just can't get it out of my mind. It didn't look bad, but for me it wasn't good either. I don't know how I feel about that. I'm super anxious all the time and after that, I read a thread here and I found out that all this things could be me being in denial and having an identity crisis and change. I just became petrified and today has been one of the most anxious days of my life as im 99% I'm gay now and always have been. More background- My mom's side of the family has some mental illneses like schizophrenia and I'm suspecting OCD. In vacations, I learned of OCD and I self diagnosed again (I know... my bad...) I was/am sure that I had harm OCD as I had many violent pictures and thoughts in my mind that I hated as they involved me killing or harming my loved ones. When I read of an OCD about sexuallity, I just passed it over, didn't care at all. Then this kind of thoughts started and escalated to this degree. I know most of you don't belive in this type of OCD, HOCD or Gay OCD, how ever you want to call it, but I believe (or believed? Don't know anymore) I have that. I now understand some things of this community, and no longer see them as a bad thing, DAMN! I even admire you guys, but I feel this isn't me. I have nothing against this community and if this thread offended some of you, my sincere apologies. Please if someone replies offended, don't write bad words, I'm very close to a breakdown and I just can't tolerate them anymore. I know this could belong in another kind of forum, but I believe here I could get some explanations too. Some more things to add. In this age, people often talk about sexuallity a lot, and me, being a male, was used to calling and being called, many words that relate to gay as a joke and I felt nothing (I think, maybe anxiety sometimes), but now, it's like I think they know what I'm thinking of and scares the willies out of me. Since I was smaller, don't know how younger exactly, I never wanted people to think I was gay. Maybe it was denial or social anxiety or God knows what. I know that atleast my mom, might accept me if I'm gay, so would many of my friends, but that isn't me... I don't know what I am anymore. My mom always told me I was a sensitive child and this might have something to do with this, maybe not. Just some extra info. Some months ago, like the rest of my life (i think), I was 100% sure I was straight, maybe a little weird, not in a gay way, but in others, but now I'm almost sure that my past is filled with slight hints I'm gay. As I said earlier, I'm sure many will tell me my worst irrational fear, that I'm not who I always thought I was, and others might tell me what I hope to hear. I'm open to answer what ever isn't here and a response if you felt uncomfortable at some point when reading this. Thanks for spending some time reading this Me
Hello Confuse D, First, deep breaths! (*hug*) It sounds to me like your fear of being gay has made you extra sensitive to absolutely any evidence that you could possibly be gay. Now, from what you've told us, this fear did not arise specifically because you were feeling same-sex attraction. You don't seem to fantasize about guys. So if I had to guess, I would say that you're mostly straight and perhaps a bit bicurious. But it's really hard for either you or us to tell for sure because your anxiety has hijacked the most important piece of evidence: your sex drive. I think that you'll be able to get a more certain answer if you can calm yourself down and experience your attractions naturally. Now that seems like a bit of a catch-22: you're anxious about your sexuality, so how can you calm down before you know what it is? I think the key to this is giving yourself unconditional love: try to get yourself in a mental state where you can live with yourself no matter what turns out to be the answer. Remember, even if you are gay, you don't have to tell anyone unless you want to! Once you've calmed down, you can look more closely at these questions: when you're out and about, what kinds of people are your eyes naturally drawn to? Whom do you have a sexual response towards? When you masturbate, what kind of people do you think about? But concentrate first on giving yourself that love: remember, sexuality and relationships aren't the be-all end-all of life for gay, straight, or bi people! Take some time away from obsessing over these questions for a while, try to calm down a bit, and then process your attractions as they naturally occur. (*hug*)
Hi there! Questioning is an incredibly difficult time. I know because I've been there, and I found it impossible to think of anything else but my sexuality. Like the person above me said, try to focus on loving yourself. If you can find a way to accept yourself no matter what your sexuality is, dealing with this gets so much easier. Nothing you said made me think "oh yeah, he's gay" so I'm guessing that you're somewhere in the realms of bisexuality. It sounds to me that you could be bicurious. My advice is to calm down, take the time to love yourself, and try not to obsess about your sexuality. The answer will come. For me it took a year, but it's different for everyone. I don't know if my advice was at all helpful, but at EC we all stand beside you. If you need help, we'll be there.
Hey Con, I'm Sera. Welcome to EC First and foremost, Amicus and Chick are right. You need to calm down and just let yourself feel. You need to come to realize that, either way, it's not the end of the world. Nothing stood out to me saying you're definitely one or the other, but like I tell a lot of people who are desperately trying to figure out what they are; why do you need to label yourself? Why must you be either gay or straight? Of course I'm not trying to be offensive here, I just mean, you're freaking the hell out of yourself. That much is blatantly obvious. Like the two above me, I think you're probably a little bicurious. I know before I realized I was bisexual, I always used to stare at girls. Even now that I'm leaning more towards the ladies, I enjoy checking out hot guys. Appreciating the awesomeness of the human body, male or female, doesn't mean you'd want to hop on that. It just means you can accept that this person you're staring at is quite attractive :3 Don't mind me and my ramble. If you're gonna take one thing out of that, this is what you should know ; calm down, and whatever happens, happens. We'll all be here for you regardless of your "label" ^^ Feel free to message me if you ever need to rant about your stresses. I'm a fairly good sounding board c: Kay bye! Hope everything works out for you
Thank you all I'm feeling a little bit better, still confused though. I'm trying to love myself and right now I feel like bisexual some times, gay other times as well as hetero... even pansexual and asexual haha. I'm happier and I feel soon I might find out what I am. I'm also kind of sure it's like a bicurious thing, but who knows! Maybe I am bisexual; I'm almost certain im hetero, but there is also the mini chance I might be gay. My sex-drive is still in the ground so it makes the whole thing difficult. I hope the confusion stops forever and that like this the anxiety and my problems (related to this) are gone. Thank you all I'll keep you informed! Wish me luck :3 Any extra replies are always welcomed
Hi, I'm back. For the last 3 days, I have been telling myself I'm gay. I've been on an OCD forum since December and I visit it daily. I'm not really happy, I actually think my depression is coming again. With suicidal stuff and more... again... I tell to myself that I'm gay and I try to imagine gay things. From sex to relations and I really don't know how I feel. Same goes for women. I'm looking at men more, even though I, well... I don't know how I feel... Women, they don't come with anxiety when I look at them, but these last 3 days I've been telling myself that I don't like them because I'm gay. Men, every dude that comes in sight I think he is attractive, even when he is ugly. I feel more strange around good looking dudes though. When I hear or read about a dude that had sex with a woman, I feel happy for him and homosexual stories just make me a soup of emotions. In short, I don't know how I feel of men. I can get excited if I think of women in less that 10 seconds, but I can't get fully excited with a gay fantasy. I've hit rock bottom and I just don't know anything of anything now. I posted this here as above is my old post and it shows how I felt back then and how I feel know and a little insight is good. I wish I could talk to a gay guy so he could tell me what I am. I read a story of a member, Justin something, 4 days ago. Then it all started. Not blaming you dude if you read this, but if you could tell me of how you felt while straight, it would be awesome.
